The Search is Over

A few weeks back, I went on a trip to New Hampshire where among many other things, I made a stop at a small sub shop where I had one of the best burgers I've eaten in a long time. Along with the burger, I purchased a bag of chips if for no other reason than to have an excuse to sing the old 1978 Rusty Tiggins song "Chips and a Burger" while I enjoyed my meal. If you haven't heard that song, here's one of the verses.

Chips and a burger. Chips and a burger.
Chips chips chips oh chips and a burger.
My wife makes my life misery
When I get home, I think I'm gonna murder.

What's special here is that the chips I bought were a flavor I never tried before called "All Dressed". When I tasted the first chip, my tongue walked out of my mouth, past my nose, slapped me in the eye and said "Fuck you for having been around all these years and never eating these before." My eyes crossed and I replied, "Well I'm glad you like them"
He got ever closer to me and said "Like em? It's like I've been jerking off my toe all my life, then one day I discovered my penis"

As you can tell from what my tongue told me, these chips were very satisfying. Based on the packaging artwork, "All dressed" is supposed to be a medley of different chip seasonings such as barbeque, salt and vinegar, sour cream and ketchup. Who would come up with such a concept? Answer: The Canadians, Jim. The Canadians.

There is a potato chip subculture in Canada that rivals their love of hockey and the word "eh". The seemingly endless chip flavor variety ranges from Indian Masala chips, to roast chicken with a lot of stops in between. Why so many interesting choices? Coming from the heads of the guys who think health care is a right, there's no telling.

Occasionally, the Candians' zany chip flavors make their way into the US. You may recognize some such as "Dill Pickle" and "Ketchup". Though most of their flavors stay up north as they cannot muster the courage the tolerate the berating customs officers shouting things such as "Immigrant faggot" and "Pinko faggot!" So we shouldn't take for granted the few flavors that have defied the border.

Having discovered the border defying All Dressed chips, one bag was simply not enough. On my way home, I stopped by that same sub shop to buy a few more bags, but alas, they were closed. I carefully squeezed out a spite shit onto their entryway.

As I drove away, everything looked like a bag of all dressed chips to me. The cars passing by. The painted lines in the road. All of the strippers in the 6 clubs that I stopped in on the way home from my 100 mile trip, normally a 2 hour drive that spanned several days. Everything.

My veins were growing lonely and they desparately needed a visitor. (In this metaphor, the chips are heroin). I couldn't find all dressed chips in any of the local stores. I was about to give up. But then the Mexican that I hire to change the lightbulbs in my head showed up - late as usual. He unscrewed the smashed bulb floating above me and replaced it with a shiny new one. He flicked my nipple to turn the light on, smoked a funny smelling cigarette, put his clothes back on, and walked away. Then BOOM! It hit me! What if I were to contact the company that produces these chips?

In this case, it was Humpty Dumpty. I called them up and spoke with a representative. I explained my admiration for their product and how I was having trouble finding them in my area. I told them I would have no issue buying a small case and paying shipping charges. After a silent moment, they flat out told me no and hung up. I immediately shot myself in the head.

Weeks later, I woke up to a man in a white coat shining a flashlight in my eyes. I asked him "Where am I?" "You're in the hospital," he said "You tried to kill yourself and fucked up once again" Already ignoring him, I was surfing the TV channels with the bedside remote. "Does this get skinemax?" I asked him. His shoulders lowered and he sighed as he said "Fuck this job," while exiting the room.

A few minutes after the doctor left, I ripped the IV's out of my arms and brain and filled a trash bag with medical supplies which I slung over my shoulder as I leapt out of the hospital room window. Not realizing which floor I was on, I fell 4 stories onto the sidewalk knocking down the doctor who had recently checked me.

The next day I laid in a full body cast shouting at a nurse who wouldn't flip to the next page of "Raunchy Whores Vol. 9 Issue 8" for me. As she stormed out I exclaimed "You don't flip the page for me and I will leave a gift in the bedpan that will make you want to quit!" It didn't work. She slammed the door and I was forced to turn the pages with the straw in my mouth.

There was a knock on my door. It was my boss coming in to tell me that he had to let me go after he saw that my absence brought productivity up. I knew this was coming and I was surprised I got away with it for as many years as I did. When he turned to leave, I was readying a loogie in my straw, aiming for the back of his head, but he turned back and asked "How did you get into this whole mess anyway?" I explained to him the All Dressed Chips story and he nodded saying "Yeah, I love those chips"
"Oh, you've tried them before?"
"Yeah. They sell them at the gas station on 110 across from the movie theater"

You're fucking kidding me.

I bought three bags yesterday and will from now on frequent that place as the "Potato chips guy who always uses our bathroom".

In Defense of Pirates

Let me begin with expressing my disinterest and nigh hatred for the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Curse of the Black Pearl:

I was excited to see a big pirate movie. There hadn't been a pirate movie in a long time, it was a dead genre. And to my knowledge there had never been a pirate movie made on this large a scale. This was a big deal and Johnny Depp's character looked awesome.

Then I walked out of the theater. So Johnny Depp was okay ... but ... who the fuck is Orlando Blumpkin and Skinny Tits? Why did they take up so much screen time? I hated them. I wanted more Johnny Depp. There was hardly ANY pirate stuff in this movie. I wanted pirate stuff. I am severely disappointed.

Dead Man's Chest:

Hmmm, a sequel? Well I guess it's just gonna be Johnny Depp the whole time because Fuck Face and Skinny Tits' story has already been told and they were sent on their merry way. Well, with them out of the way the movie HAS to be better.

Then I stumbled out of the theater. WHY THE FUCK WERE SKINNY TITS AND FUCKERNUTTER STILL IN THE MOVIE!?? It was so fucking long, nothing happened, I was confused the whole time. Johnny Depp was okay, but the story didn't end, they just left you on a cliffhanger and answered the question they left you with at the end. Yes, Johnny Depp died, but don't worry we'll bring him back to life. AND THERE WASN'T ENOUGH PIRATE STUFF!

At Worlds End:

Are SKELETON NIPS AND FUCKLEBERRY HOUND in it? Yes? No need to watch it.

So that's my summarized history with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. By no way am I a cheerleader for the franchise. You'd think with the relatively unhealthy relationship I have with them, I wouldn't give two wet hemorrhoids about another sequel. However, as noted in the trailer, Titty Lips and Shit Ass are nowhere to be found. This perked my ears. Black Beard is in it. This made my tail stand up. Johnny Depp is still around. Good, good. The fountain of youth. Fun, interesting. Mermaids and Zombies. Alright, they suckered my in.

I checked it out on Friday and was thoroughly entertained. It was all Johnny Depp. His Jack Sparrow is awesome. One of the most unique and memorable characters in cinema history. There was TONS of pirate stuff. Sword Fights, Mutinies, Treasure, Poop Deck Swabbing, you name it, they had it. The action was fun. The characters were fun. The quest for the fountain of youth was very much Indiana Jones-ey and as a matter of fact, this movie was better than the last Indiana Jones.

So ... why all the hate? And why do I find the need to defend a billion dollar movie from a bunch of internet bullies? By all means, this should have been the only Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I feel like the first three were experiments until they finally got it right.

The feeling that I get is that most people are now tired of the franchise and can't be bothered with another, but the irony therein is the majority of these folks participated in the general consensus that Fast Five is the best entry yet in that diarrhea pile of a movie series. History doesn't lie, especially when it was only two weeks ago. Take a moment, if you will to go to rottentomatoes.com and check out the ratings meter for both movies. Today it stands at this: Fast Five - 79% With a nice fresh tomato next to it and Pirates - 34% With a big green splat. You can go past that site to analyze as many reviews as you want, but rotten tomatoes sums it up right there with a big, bold PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I happened to see Fast Five, and it is without argument, one of the dumbest, most poorly made, meat-headed, piece of shit installments from a series of tank top wearing, upper tooth rotting, car accident inducing movies you will EVER SEE. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained. But in the way that I enjoy watching a morbidly obese man wipe powdered sugar off his chest flaps while he guzzles down a hunk of fried dough trying to enjoy it despite a sandy windstorm, which in fact I gandered at a week or so ago from a street corner whilst holding opera glasses to my eyes. Why is this entertaining to me? Because it defies nature. By all means it shouldn't be. In fact the cogs of the universe almost seem like they're specifically trying to make sure it DOESN'T HAPPEN. Yet somehow a movie where two guys hook a giant vault up to their cars and whip it around city blocks, knocking other cars out of the way and crushing buildings with no physical repercussions to their own vehicles, gets good reviews and simultaneously a human sack of cheeseburgers galoots around in this world with a functioning heart.

Fast five is almost three hours long and I'm pretty sure an hour of that is establishing shots. I fucking get it, you're in RIO and there's a giant Jesus. They could have told the same story in a half hour or less. I don't say that sarcastically. If somebody wanted, they could cut the movie on their own to a half hour and not lose a bit of story. Yet sites such as the A.V. Club say this about it,

"Fast Five may be lizard-brain escapism—and there’s something unsettling about how it lays waste to Rio’s desperately poor favelas—but nonsense this well-orchestrated is a rare and precious thing."

Giving the movie a B+

The same site reviewed the new Pirates of the Caribbean and here's what they had to say,

"POTC was never about nuance, and now it’s even less so: It’s about watching Depp fall into peril and wriggle his way out, over and over, for hours. Tides is a smaller film than past installments, by design and necessity. Which often makes it feel lightweight, but that’s still better than bloated."

They rated Pirates a straight C.

This is just one example of many. You can make whatever argument you like regarding the new Pirates movie. Like it or hate it. But you can't do the same with Fast Five. Fast Five is simply bad. You can enjoy watching it. I did. I laughed my ass off. But it is just not a good movie and taste can't come in to play. With food, somebody can enjoy or dislike a certain chili or casserole, but nobody can make an argument for a piece of shit. A literal piece of shit. If you tried to defend it, nobody would look at you the same.

"Oh come on, man. It's good. Give it a shot. It's an acquired taste."
"No ... that's okay, Willy. You can leave now."
"If only you would give shit a chance. You fuckers needs ta read Green Eggs and Ham"

I, for one, thought they did a great job with the new Pirates of the Caribbean. However, there are a lot of critics out there who will tell you otherwise. And for the record, they all have shit stains on their teeth.

The Death of Macho Man Randy Savage

The too soon department brings to you all of the things that have been going through my head since I heard about the death of Macho Man Randy Savage. As sad as it is, he's just one of those people you make cracks about when they die like Osama Bin Laden and Clowns.

Crash Into A Palm Tree!

Yet more proof that you shouldn't have a heart attack while driving.

He could be faking it. He used to get paid to do that.

And ...

Will The Undertaker be at his funeral?

We just kid, though. There's a certain grieving widow who wouldn't appreciate these jokes. Along with a whole crew of people who are now out of work ... scratch that, just a widow.

THOR

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Good Luck, Avengers Movie

For the past 5 years or so, Marvel and DC alike have been releasing direct to video features based on their most popular properties. Though there have been a few misses, these videos for the most part are eye socket shattering hits. I mean that in the sense that they are more entertaining than most live action comic book movies I've seen. When I first watched Marvel's animated Iron Man feature, I was SURE that it was going to be better than soon to be Robert Downey Junior Iron Man. Fortunately they did an awesome job with the live action movie, but it should be noted that these are so well done they make me doubt their blockbuster counterparts.

Recently Marvel began producing an Avengers animated series, and yet again it is so well done that I doubt the Avengers movie will be anywhere near as good. In fact I don't see this Summer's Captain America or Thor matching the quality that you'll find in the new Avengers cartoon.

You'd think live action movies would hold an upper hand to cartoons, but the problem with movies oftentimes is that there's so much money involved, they get micromanaged by the uncreative people who write the checks. Think about all the rich people you know, if any, and ask yourself if they could write, act, or direct their way out of a wet paper bag with a tear on the bottom. If they could, well then fuck you for proving me wrong.

With animation, there is still a certain amount of bullshit, but it doesn't exist anywhere near on the same level as 100 million dollar movies. Typically, the creators tasked with targeting a specific audience for their content and they are left alone. It's different if you are making a show for 5 year olds as compared to 13 year olds or (if you're lucky) a cartoon for adults. Other than that it's just a matter of getting the shit out in time and if you're fortunate enough to be managed by a group of people who care then you get to make an awesome show. We happen to live in a time where Marvel and DC animation is for the most part taken seriously enough to produce content that can go toe to toe with the big guns at the cineplex.

If you haven't already, give the Avengers: Earths Mightiest Heroes a chance. You won't be disappointed. And while you're at it, try these features and series of recent years:

The Invincible Iron Man
Dr. Strange
Next Avengers
Hulk Vs.
Wolverine and The X-Men
Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes
Justice League & Justice League Unlimited
Every Single DC Showcase Short
Justice League New Frontier
Green Lantern First Flight
Batman Under the Red Hood
Batman: The Brave and the Bold
WonderWoman
Batman Gotham Knight
Justice League Crisis On Two Earths

It's all FUCKING amazing.

'Nuff Said

You Flush it, I Flaunt it

I made a quick stop at the New England Depression-con today. If you're not familiar with "Depression-Con" that's probably because the proper title is the "Seacoast Collectible Show". It's a comic book, and sports memorabilia show that dares to depress the fuck out of you with it's one, two, three, kill yourself combination of mopey atmosphere, sluggish people and crusty things for sale.

I always end up going into these things excited and leaving with a deflated balloon in my hand and a face streaked with tear-soaked mascara. It's because I build it up so much. "There's gonna be all these awesome comics and artists and toys and holy shit, SUNDAY WILL ROCK!" I drive there with an ear to ear grin, then as soon as I step into the place and look around, my grin is shattered by the environment of reeses peanut butter cup induced guts, pit-and-tit-sweat-stained superhero t shirts, old carboard and sad man-child toys that deserve to be thrown away.

And man did I find some Gems this time around.

First up is Bob. The Joker's right hand man in the 1989 Batman. I remember in kindergarten some girl brought this toy to school and gave it to me, why, I don't know, but it's a distinct memory of mine. I kept the thing for a while until life happened and it disappeared. I bought it back today for five bucks off this guy who got into a smile-faced passive aggressive argument with me about which episode of Batman the animated series was the first. Long story short - he was wrong and he charges too much for his shitty action figures.



Needless to say, I am excited to bring Bob back into my life and one day hope to relieve my stress by shooting him in the head just as Joker did.

Oddly enough, there is a photo on the back showing Bob in action and if you look closely, he is way shittier than the Bob that comes in the package.









It was smart of them to lower a kid's expectations because the Bob they get is quite a sad affair to begin with.

Moving along. If you didn't think I could top Bob, you were right because my other purchase was a set of Total Recall trading Cards.



Yes it's true. I can now carry my favorite moments from one of the Mars-iest movies ever made in my wallet like they were photos of my own children. I can picture myself being held at gunpoint and flipping open my wallet to show these cards

"Please, mistah. I have Total Recall trading cards"

"Isn't that the movie with the chick that has three tits?"

"Yeah, mistah. It is"

"I liked that movie"

BLAMM! (That was the sound of him shooting me anyways)

The best part of this set isn't even the cards. Included in the box is a shit ton of Total Recall memorabilia including:

A Receipt from Rekall

A Ticket To Mars

MARS MONEY!

And Last, also just as least:

A ROCK FROM MARS!

I know it's a real Mars rock because the sticker on it says so. If you dare question it, I will punch all of the Karate lessons right out of you!

Not a bad set - if you suck just as much as me. I do have a major complaint however. Missing from the cards are 2 important images.

Number one: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger's bloated face as he is about to explode in the vacuum of Mars' air free atmosphere. That is one of the most iconic images from the movie. They have a card of Ronny Cox's face blowing up, so there's no excuse as to why Arnold's is absent.

And Number Two: The chick with 3 tits. I know they would claim she was not included because these trading cards are directed toward kids, but don't even try me. A kid's gonna buy these cards because he saw the movie, which means he saw the titties, which means he intends to throw away everything BUT the titty card. Imagine the look of disappointment on that kid's mug. And let's just say some kid bought these blindly having not seen the film. Guess what, Janice - After he sees these cards, the first thing he's gonna do is find his Dad's copy of Total Recall from under his bed and watch it right away. In both cases, the kid is witness to the titties, so there was NO excuse to keep that card out of the set. Poorly played, boys. Real sad.

Those were my finds from Depression Con. Hope you enjoyed them. I know I will until my next house fire.

Before I go, since I've been on the topic of Total Recall, I just want to remind everybody that, YES, they are remaking that movie, and YES everybody involved can go FAG themselves.

Cap'n Merrrica

They released the new trailer for Captain America which I am pretty fine with, though I have to admit it sure does lack in the haymaker department. One uppercut is all we need to quench our thirst for fist. That's all we ask.

The one real problem I have is at the end of the trailer, they reveal the release date for Captain AMERICA. And that day is July (Drumroll) 22nd (fart). Really, guys? July 22nd? Now I'm a simple man and I don't know much. I know how to roll a cigarette with my toes. I know how to tell my wife what I want for dinner. And I know that Captain AMERICA comes out on THE FOURTH OF JULY!

I don't give a shit about the marketing tactics.

"Well you see here if we release the film on July Fourth we'll be competing with the Smurfs Vs. The Carebears III: Revenge of He-Man. I believe that releasing the film on the 22nd will increase the profit potential"

Whoah, whoah, whoah. I didn't catch any of that. All I heard you say was "I'm a fag and I like pink" Well guess what, FAG - I like RED WHITE AND BLUE. Do you know what that spells? It spells F-U-C-K-Y-O-U and you know what date FUCK YOU falls on the calendar? JULY 4th, Francis.

You put this movie out on the 22nd, you might as well have Santa come to town in August while you're at it. Why don't we just throw everything we know down the toilet? Except for my dude magazines. Keep your faggot fingers off my dude mags.

New Pooperman

They hired some British guy for the new Superman. I'm not sure how I feel about the new Superman to begin with given that it is likely to have a bunch of slow motion shots and CGI backdrops as is the nature of Zak Snyder.

But a Brit for Superman? I don't know. I hate to sound like a dick, but I'd be just as bummed out if they hired an American to play James Bond. Some roles are cultural.

Although, Robert Downey Jr. did do a good job as Sherlock Holmes. I guess I don't have any clout in this opinion.

Forget I said anything.

Brandon Routh was fine, bring him back.

Okay, I'm going now.

This movie will probably be lame, but I'm gonna check it out anyway.

Sorry, you can go back to what you were doing.

Boobies.

Ha! I got your attention again! Okay, now I'm done.

They stole it from us

I'm not a fan of the elitism that derives from special clubs, groups, orginizations, subcultures, classes, schools, cliques and the such. Which is why I don't like to call myself a geek due to the stigma associated with that term. However, based on the content and volume of media that I consume, one could rightfully call me a geek and I wouldn't have much headway to defend myself.

There are a handful of movies that I watch over and over again for which I have a genuine admiration. I understand that pretty much any movie that is even slightly mainstream has been viewed by thousands if not millions of people. Movie making is a business and the point is to attain as much exposure as possible to sell tickets, videos and related merchandise. That said, there are some movies that have come and gone, and are dead in the eye of the general public. Some of these movies turn to dust and blow away never to be seen again. Yet, a smaller few are held together on life support by a small community of people who care for and nurture these movies. It is that group of films, what used to be called the "Cult" film, that lacks mainstream exposure, but is adored and tended to by people who appreciate the movie a thousand times more than your average eat-it-up-shit-it-out moviegoer.

When I say underground, underexposed movies with an adoring audience used to be called "Cult Films" what I mean is that there is an ever expanding relationship with the community of insecure 17 - 38 year old's who are on a constant, desperate scavenge to be hip cool knowitalls about the latest pop culture fad and the corporate entities who own these "Cult" films wherein T Shirts, Posters, Special Edition DVD's, albums and more are shared in an "I won't tell if you won't tell" agreement which posits the idea that overnight hundreds of thousands of people suddenly discovered and are the ipso experts on, say "Evil Dead" or "Escape From New York" thereby negating such a movie's "Cult" status because, Charlie, no longer is a small group of adoring watchers keeping this movie alive. It's moved up to the next tier of film status which, for sake of conversation, we can call "Above Cult".

What causes this phenomenon more often than not comes in the form of an announcement of a remake or sequel to a property typically 15 years or older. A more recent example I can conjure would be "Tron". We heard about the Tron sequel close to 2 years before it's release date. This gave our Above Cult boys and girls to come out of the woodwork and profess their endless Tron fanhood. You would think they were there when it first came out. Sadly, most of these folks wouldn't have been born yet. The thing about Tron is, it's not a very good movie. The only people after, say 1996, who would even give it the time of day would be extreme nostalgists or Uber Geeks. After the dazzle of the, now extremely dated, special effects wore off, there really isn't much there for your standard movie goer. He goes into the computer, everything looks computer-y. He awkwardly stumbles around and stops the bad guy from stealing his program. The end.

Why would so many people claim they were the world's biggest Tron Fan? Their insecurity doesn't allow for them to humbly admit that maybe they know nothing about the original, but are somewhat intrigued by the look of the new movie. No. They "used to have Tron birthday parties" and "Dressed up as a Tron character for halloween" and some other bullshit that you can neither prove nor disprove and to do anything other than take their word for it isn't worth your energy.

Here's a good test for this specific "Tron" example. Tron was released on DVD once many years before the idea of a sequel was mentioned and can only be found on ebay at the going rate just shy of $100. If they claim to be such a huge Tron fan, ask to borrow their copy of the DVD because it is out of print and you can't find it anywhere. A hardcore Tron fan might say "No, I don't want you to scratch it, but I'll try to burn you one". A pseudo Tron fan will stutter and possibly pee in the Tron pants they bought at the mall last week.

I'm not writing this to prove my Tron fandom, I'm not much of a fan at all. Just a casual viewer who has seen it once or twice and saw the new one and pretty much enjoyed them. I only use that movie as an example because it harbors all of the traits of the larger point I am trying to make which is how hard it is to watch something you love get swallowed up and spit out by the general public who put your shoes on for a few months and return them with weird white stains that are impossible to remove.

It's like living in a quaint New England town that becomes victim to the trend of rich couples moving in. Their friends and friends' friends hear about the same town and next thing you know the property values have gone up so high that you can no longer afford to live in the town that generations of your family were raised in.

Another example I can use is the "Doug Effect". There is an episode of the cartoon, Doug (A show which has also been raped by trendsters) where a character in a TV show, by coincidence, starts dressing like Doug. Everybody at school assumes that Doug is dressing that way because he was inspired by the TV character. He is adamant that he has always dressed the way he does, but nobody believes him. Suddenly everybody in school is dressing like him. It drives him nuts so he tries to come up with a new look. By the time he does, the fad is over and he goes back to dressing like himself.



That's what happens to the movies we love sometimes. I am watching it happen right now to "Monster Squad" a movie I watched on TV countless times as a kid. I remember one day I was sorting through a bargain VHS bin where I found a copy of it and freaked out. I watched it over and over, tried to get other people to watch it and most were simply uninterested. I was fine with that. Maybe it sucked, but I didn't care. I enjoyed it and that's all that mattered. Cut to years later, suddenly it's "cool" to like the Universal monsters and Monster Squad is being dug out of obscurity for a DVD release. I was just as enthusiastic as finding the VHS copy because now I could see it in widescreen and listen to the director's commentary. But I noticed something odd. I started bumping into Monster Squad "Experts". "Where the fuck have you been?" I would think until it hit me. "Oh no, Monster Squad is going to be chewed up and spit out soon". Then, wouldn't ya know it - There is a Monster Squad remake on the way.



Now I'm ready to hear people tell me about their Monster Squad birthday themed parties they had as a kid as I nod silently while veins expand in my forehead. The matter of the fact was, Monster Squad was a box office failure. It was the last movie with any notoriety that was written and directed by Fred Dekker because of how much of a failure it was. It hardly scraped by in video tape sales. The only real fans were the little kids who found it on HBO when nobody was home. It was a small audience, but an adoring audience.

Why does this upset me? Shouldn't I be happy that the culture is now beginning to discover this much deserved movie? I should, but I'm not because I know for a fact that it's not being appreciated in the true sense of the word. The people who are now starting to take this movie on are only doing it for fad's sake. It will be forgotten about again once the next so called nostalgic fad hits the streets. I will only be witness to something being torn apart, eaten up and shit out by a group of people pretending to be something they aren't and care about something they don't.

Aside from remakes, there are other causes for once "Cult" movies to be placed on an Above cult pedestal such as an actor or director's death. This instance is even worse because it requires somebody do die in order to get noticed. I can see when Michael Keaton passes away, the same people who spit and shit on the Tim Burton Batman in the wake of the newfangled Christopher Nolan series will suddenly say "You know what ... maybe Michael Keaton was a better Batman than Christian Bale" to which I will respond with a chainsaw.

The sad thing about the Above Cult movie trend is that there is no stopping it. It is, however, important to observe it and point it out. It would be a crime if we were ignorant to this because there would be no way to distinguish between the people who truly care about something and the proverbial cult movie locusts who come and go in a blink having swallowed and shit out what you love most.

If you watch a movie under superficial pretenses, you may as well announce your hatred for it because you're only hurting the movie and the people who truly appreciate it. The movies I watch over and over again - the ones I give more attention to (If I ever had a kid, I would totally play favorites) I watch because I love them and that alone is my motivation to play them on loop when I'm working on a project or fall asleep to them every night. The only reason any of us should appreciate something is because of the meaning it holds to us as an individual and not how it affects the way you are perceived by the people around you. In other words, go find your own treehouse, douchebag.

Twins

Free time on my hands ...

Oh...

The trailer to Big Momma's House 3: Bigger and Mamma'er has finally been released on the internet. Myself, I couldn't wait for it to launch online, so I went to the theater to see Country Strong because I knew the Big Momma's house trailer was set to play there. Watching Country Strong felt like smoking a cigarette with your asshole which is subjective depending if you enjoy that or not.

But man was the Big Momma's house 3 trailer mind blowing and a half. I've been waiting for this one since they left us on the cliffhanger that was Big Momma's house 2. Since I walked out of the theater, the only question on my mind was "Well? Does the homeless man fuck her or not?" I just can't wait. I already have my tickets to Sundance so I can catch the premiere of the final installment in the BMH Trilogy.

I have the trailer linked below. I only had one problem, I couldn't tell which one was which, so I posted 2 videos. One of them is the Big Momma's House 3 trailer ... I think.

Enjoy.

If it bleeds, we can kill it...

Justin Bieber was hospitalized. It really happened - check it out.

What this means is clear. All of the rumors that he was invincible have been proven false. According to the news, he was filming an episode of CSI when he had breathing troubles due to an allergic reaction. What caused that reaction, we're still not sure, but what we know is that he's allergic to something, which is promising. Some have supposed it could be a food allergy, others believe the reaction was caused by his trying to express human emotion on camera. More details as they arrive.

Excuse my excitement, but right now I feel like Lex Luthor when he discovered kryptonite.

Suck on Nostalgia

As I was perusing the ever expanding internet tonight, I stumbled across this nice little throwback.



It reminded me of the days when a movie was about to start on TV, it was a BIG FUCKING DEAL. Like, get ready kids, here comes a MOOOOOOOOOVIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! And your eyes would widen and wind would come out of the TV that left your hair blown back. So I guess that meant hairspray would come out of the TV as well. Wind and hairspray.

I always swore I knew which movie it was going to be, too. My guesses were either "Superman, Rocky, Scrooged, or Hot to Trot" And most of the time, I was right.

Now when a movie starts on TV, the TV's like "Whatever, here's a movie. It's like a show but longer" followed by a fart sound. Not even a significant one either. Just a little half-rip squeek. "Watch a movie - faaaarrrrt" And the fart isn't pungent either, it's just a faint whiff of a basement or a potato chip.

"Is somebody eating chips?"

"No a movie just started on TV. We'll watch a quarter of it and get bored, then move onto doing something gay on our cell phone while the movie still plays in the background"

I think that's what the problem is, now. There are so many distractions that people just don't give a shit anymore, so they stopped hiring a hairspray man to reload their tv set once a week. That also explains why TV's are so thin these days. You don't need to fill them with awesomeness anymore, so there's no need for all that extra space.

It's a shame, really.

Ghostbastards

I've come to terms with the sad fact that some talents lose their juice when they age - Speilberg and Lucas are prime examples.

I wish somebody could do a study because there has to be some science to this. Like a gland that just dries up after 45. Or instead of producing chemicals that inspire good ideas, it starts to spill out poison after a certain number of years.

"Ow, my brain hurts"

"That's just the bad ideas, Georgie, you'll grow numb to that feeling over time"

As cool as Harold Ramis, and Dan Aykroyd are ... they've contributed some of the most mediocre comedies ever made in the last 2 decades. Not to mention Ivan Reitman who , let's face it, has really only made 3 or 4 good movies in a sea of dozens of titles that only make people laugh when you use them as a punchline. How easy is it to make fun of "Twins"? Very.

At this point, do we trust a new Ghostbuters script approved of by these guys?

Bill Murray's the only one I have faith in, but I bet he can be bullied into making a stinker with the right paycheck.

Worst of all, word on the street is this new movie will be about new Ghostbuster recruits being passed the torch. Fuck that. I don't want to see Michael Cera (because we all know, that dipshit will be picked) wearing a proton pack. Nor do we want it to be a slick updated white shiny proton pack that looks like something Apple made. And all the other new Ghostbusters will have douchebag haircuts, no doubt. (Is it just me getting old, or do haircuts piss other people off was well?)






There is a way this movie could work, but I doubt they would do it. I apologize ... there's no need to bother you with the fanfiction writer in me.

Let's pray Indiana Jones 4 - 2: Ghostbusters 3, never comes to be. Because no matter how much I bitch about it, you know I'm gonna go to the theater to see the damn thing and I don't think you'll be able to bear the whine heard around the world emitted from my nasal passages.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2011-01-12/does-the-world-really-want-ghostbusters-3/


http://www.timesdaily.com/article/20110113/ARTICLES/301139997/1004?Title%3DSave-us-Bill-from-a-third-Ghostbusters-

The Black Swan and Obama

I saw Black Swan last night, not necessarily with expectations too high to meet, but pretty much knowing I was going to see a good movie. With all the award nominations and amazing reviews, and being a fan of the director, it was a sure shot that I would be entertained.

That said, am I the only asshole who can see through this movie? Within the first few minutes you can tell that this movie is for Fancy people. And when I use the word fancy, I mean it in the most derogatory way possible. To quote David Letterman in Cabin Boy - "Man oh man, do I hate me a fancy lad". It just had that certain air of arrogance to it that goes hand in hand with the performers and spectators of ballet, opera and any other art form that dictates you to wear a scarf when you talk about it.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and admire what these dancers do which is why as much of a turn-off the arrogance of it all can be, I was still optimistic to see what was going to happen in the movie.

Without ruining much, it's a story about a girl in a highly competitive dance company who gets a leading role and tortures herself to give the best performance she can which requires her to step outside of herself to "explore her darkside" or some such nonsense.

The movie rides on multiple themes, or story lines, but it fails to really focus on one, which was my major problem with the story. You have her relationship with her obsessed mother, the relationship with her pushy director, the competition with a fellow dancer, and the personal struggle which is dipping into insanity. All of these are fine conflicts to line together in a story, but it never seems to focus on one, so when the story comes to a climax you find yourself asking what the story is trying to tell you. Is this whole thing just a stew of metaphors that is intended to make us understand the struggle of a ballet dancer? Is there anything tangible going on? As nice as a metaphor can be, you still need an actual story for the viewer to follow. I hate to break it down so simplistically, but time and time again, we've learned the basics to tell a good story and when you stray too far, you lose your audience.

To compliment the movie, it was shot well and has some disturbing visuals that are more impressive than anything you'll see in a horror movie these days. I think that's about all the positive stuff I can say. I'm sitting here trying to conjure something positive to say about the acting, but it's pretty much 2 hours of Natalie Portman furrowing her brows. It wasn't her fault, there really was no dialogue to work with. Aside from her, none of the other actors have any significant moments in the story. So here I am trying to dig for compliments and I'm back to complaining about the thing.

Now to my main point which is the reception of this film. As I mentioned before, I was sure I was going to see a good movie. Basically, people are saying this is, if not the best movie of the year, most definitely a movie that will be nominated for best picture. I don't have much faith in the academy awards anymore, but it remains to be THE major ceremony honoring the best movies of the year, so it will always have my attention.

Why does everybody love this movie so damn much? Am I missing something here? I'm gonna go ahead and say it's not me this time. As you recall, I dubbed this is a fancy film. Oftentimes critics are afraid to stand out from the herd. And when one or two major critics steps up and raves or boos something, you'll notice that the rest will follow suit. If people are calling this the movie of the year and you're the guy who says "I beg to differ" then next thing you know it wins best picture, then you're the guy who didn't like best picture of the year. Maybe your colleagues don't look up to you as much, maybe your readers don't trust your reviews anymore. I can sense a lot of insecurity in that industry.

Do you recall the story of the Emperor's New Clothes? It's about somebody who claims to create an outfit for an emperor that is made of the finest fabric in the land. When he shows the king, he sees nothing, but is told that it is because the fabric is so fine that the mere human eye cannot see it. So he puts on nothing. Then walks around with his balls stuck to the side of his leg and everybody's afraid to tell him because he's the Emperor and he rules the land and he knows better than you and who are you to bring up his fallacies?

I'm pretty sure the Black Swan is walking around with it's balls stuck to the side of its leg, but everybody's afraid to say something because it's a fancy movie. Much like the liberals who are afraid to say anything negative about Obama. Well he's not as bad a Bush and he seems to have good intentions and I'm sure he just wants to help us even though he passed a bill that is going to make tons of money for private insurance companies while weighing down the country with another forced payment to worry about instead of a public option, and he's yet to pass any substantial legislation regulating the financial industry because maaayyybee, just maaayyybee corporate interests have more power than him. Oops.

Yeah I know Black Swan is fancy, and yes I know our black president isn't as mean to us as our last husband, but folks ... a spades a spade.