I keep whipping them out (is that the right term to use?)

New video thing

Check her out, why don't ya.

Another memo I didn't get. Well they probably gave it to me, but what fag reads memos?

Whether you caught it on the news, or became suspicious due to the lack of overabundant shouting on your television set, we're all well aware that one of the greatest TV personalities, Billy Mays has passed on. Be it from a small piece of overhead luggage tapping him on the head or a heavy duty cocaine overdose, either way, he's no longer here to sell us shit we didn't realize we needed.

This is all in the past. We're bummed out, but it's been long enough that we're pretty much over it by now. No more Billy May's shoutfest pitches and no more "Pitchmen" TV series.

- Uh Actually, Mark. Pitchmen's still on the air.

WHAT THE FUCK?!? Great, I swallowed my gum! What did I just hear?

- They're still airing new episodes of pitchmen.

Is it starring the ghost hunters? How the hell do you make a Billy Mays show without Billy Mays. That's like yanking the balls out of a ballsack.

- Well, Mark. There was another guy in the show as well.

Yeah, but nobody gave a shit about that guy. It was the Billy Mays show. When Billy Mays dies, you cancel it. Just like when they canceled "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter" after John Ritter died.

- Actually Mark ...

FUCK ME.

I hope you all enjoy the new season of "Nut-Free Skinflap".

Office Chat 15 - The band

I have been working on this series called "Office Chat" I make it using an application on this site called "extranormal.com" You can insert text and manipulate animated characters to say and do (mostly) whatever you like. It's primitive, but that's what I like about it. If the characters didnt sound so sterile, I don't think it would be as funny. And with no further ado, here is Episode 15

Piranha 3-D

I saw Piranha 3-D tonight. Though it is the 3rd installment in this franchise after a 30 some-odd year gap, it is not to be considered the 3rd in sequence regardless of the "3-D" placed in the title. This is one of those rare occasions where "3-D" is just an advertisement of the gimmick and not a clever play on words unlike "Friday the 13th 3-D" or "Jaws 3-D" or "Spy Kids" 3-D" or "World Trade Center 3-D" (was that in 3-D? I don't remember. Either way, it should have been.) This movie was a remake, or re-imagining. A re-re if you will.

Did I like it? Ehh, err, uh. Hmm. Nah. Probably not.

I wasn't disappointed because of huge expectations. It's not like this movie had much to live up to. Needless to say, the originals were retarded in their own right. They were cheap and fast Roger Corman produced movies. Roger Corman was the cream of the crop when it came to this type of film. I say cream of the crop because Diarrhea is also creamy and that's the best way to describe his movies. The only thing he gave a shit about is that they spent as little money as possible and got the films in and out of the theaters before anybody realized that they got duped. He would aim for the genres of popular films at the time and make his own $2 dollar version, print up an awesome poster, and run them at the drive in theaters. People who just saw Jaws would think "Oh, Jaws was great. This one's got the same vibe. I'll check it out" and man was the Original Piranha nothing like Jaws. But it didn't matter. Corman got people into the theater and by the time they warned their friends and family not to waste their time, the run was already over.

There is something interesting to note, however about the original Piranha's. By an odd coincidence, both movies were handled by master craftsmen. This was by no means the intention of Roger Corman. He just happened to be the first stop in a lot of young filmmakers careers and wound up with talents by the likes of Joe Dante (Piranha) and James Cameron (Piranha 2: The Spawning).

There's not much else to say about the originals. They were Jaws ripoff/ parodies. Forgettable, but cheesy fun. So what is there to say about the new one? Some big titted spring break fuckfaces get drunk in water and piranhas eat them. The plot? A twenty-something kid gets trapped on a boat with his younger siblings and a girl he likes. Their mom shows up to get them on a working boat, the girl he likes is stuck in a hard to reach part, but they all end up getting off the boat. Meanwhile the titty-beer people get eaten. I am not trying to be sarcastic by boiling it down to the shortest, most basic description - There really is nothing else to say about the movie. I thought when they got off that boat, the movie was going to kick into gear and actually start, but as soon as they got off the boat, the credits rolled and that was that.

What is most frustrating about the movie was that, unlike the originals, you can tell that some money was dumped into this production, but by no means was it spent wisely. Don't get me wrong, there is a high body count. The film is a bloodbath. But NOTHING HAPPENED. I usually hate when a movie like this plays by the numbers and rolls out some hashed up story that you've seen a thousand times, but I could have used something - anything - to make the sequence of events move along. They could have had some lame plan to kill the fish and save the lake, but no. The fish DO die, and you never saw it coming. Turns out as the kid escaped from the boat when he blew up those propane tanks, that was him killing the fish. When this is revealed you're like "Fucking seriously?" The least they could have done was have him say "I'm gonna blow up these tanks because it will kill all the fish" I still would have thought it was lame, but at least I would have known what the movie's intentions were. It's like you have a birthday party, then suddenly without warning, everybody just up and leaves. You go "Wait, no cake and ice cream?" and they say "Us showing up was the cake and ice cream".

Overall, a disappointing movie. Can't recommend it.