For those of you reading-

I have written up the 2nd F13 review. It will be up soon. Things get in the way, sometimes.

The news here is, they posted the teaser trailer to the new Friday remake/reamignaing/ re-re whatever you want to call it. I almost hate to admit this - because I'm not a fan of the director - but from what the trailer offers, the movie looks promising. There are a few faithful references. Mrs Voorhees head on an altar, and the score. The score seems to pay great homage to the originals.

Check it out for yourself.


Friday the 13th: Exclusive First Look

Color me cautiously optimistic.

Friday the 13th Part 1

And so it begins. The first installment in the Friday the 13th franchise, which I will from now on refer to as 'Friday'. Before I start, it's important to note that Jason himself is not directly involved with this movie. If you're looking to watch a movie with a big creepy machete wielding killer in a hockey mask, this is not for you. Most people who watch Friday the 13th part one don't understand the 3-movie-long evolution it took to create the icon that is Jason. They think they're opening a box of donuts only to find a pile of condoms. There are no donuts here, but in keeping with my analogy - if a pile of condoms is what you're up for, then you will be pleasantly entertained.

The movie opens at Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. A group of clean cut councilors sit by a fire place to share a late night koombayah session. This is played off in a really campy, sarcastic tone. I found it interesting that filmmakers from the 80's would have the gall to mock somebody for their fashion and music choices. It's like watching a retarded kid make fun of a retarded kid for being retarded.

Two of the koombayah councilors - one boy, one girl - sneak off to a different cabin because they could no longer restrain their religious campfire music induced horniness. As they attempt to discover what each others genitals feel like, they are interrupted by the POV of a very upset individual. The two councilors proceed to apologize. The onlooker answers with a knife to their stomachs.

KILL METER: 2

Cue the music as The Friday logo smashes through the screen. Literally. As the logo zoomed in, it pushed through a plate of glass which shattered to the ground. This must have been really cool to watch from your car window at a drive in theater, which I'm assuming was the core audience when this movie was made.

Harry Manfredini's full orchestra scores for the Friday movies are often overlooked and under-appreciated. These movies are fun to watch, but generally lacking in skill when it comes to most departments i.e. acting, writing, direction. However, if there's one genuinely artistic consistency that can be attributed to the Friday series, it is most definitely in the music. I don't care how pretentious that sounds, it's true. I think the filmmakers felt that way as well because most Friday movies open with at least a 4 minute credit sequence allowing you to indulge in the great score.



We jump to present day, which no longer applies, as present day then was 28 years ago today. A backpacker named Annie walks into a small town diner and asks how to find Camp Crystal Lake. From the utter silence this question brought to the room, she may as well have said "Large Marge sent me". Eventually one kind truck driver with the hope that Annie returns favors with her mouth, offered a ride.

As they are about to hop into the truck, my favorite character from any of the Fridays (yes, he even trumps Jason) interrupts. Ralph, the town crazy, shouts "Don't go there! It's got a death curse!" What makes Ralph so awesome, other than his encyclopedic knowledge of what is and isn't cursed, is the fact that he's well into his 60's and all he does all day is ride his bike around town in a Pinocchio hat shouting at people. And nobody does anything about it. When it comes to retirement, Ralph is in an ideal position.

Annie is headed to Camp Crystal Lake because a shirtless man named Steve employed her along with a small group of teenagers to renovate the camp and re-open it after a 22-year hiatus much to the dismay of concerned citizens such as Ralph and the local ornery waffle waitress.

Aside from Annie this group of young, hard workin' teens consists of Kevin Bacon as himself, Marcy the tom boy, Bill the everyman, Brenda the wild girl (slut), Ned the zany jokester, and Alice the loner (who we later come to learn, through allotted screen time, is the main character).

Annie unfortunately never makes it to the camp. The truck driver, listed on imdb as "Enos the truck driver", stops his truck at the beginning of the road that leads to Camp Crystal Lake. Though it wasn't on the DVD, I imagine a deleted scene where Enos pulls over not because Annie wouldn't give him head, but because Annie did a horrible job at it. Maybe there was something about her past that lead to her bad BJ skills, or maybe she was too tired from the long trek. We'll never know because this movie had awful character development.

We find Annie hitching along the final road to her destination. She is picked up by a stranger in a jeep. We never get to see this strangers face because the entire scene is shot from their POV. UH-OH. Annie goes on about how she wants to work with children someday while the jeep speeds past her destination. "What a minute, isn't that the camp!?" She shouts. The driver says nothing, and speeds up. Annie jumps out of the moving vehicle and is chased through the woods. The killer eventually catches up and slits her throat.

KILL METER: 3

It can be argued that the person who killed Annie may have not been the same person responsible for all the other deaths in the movie because it would have made perfect sense for anybody to have wanted Annie dead after listening to her drone on about children for more than 30 seconds. We may never know who actually killed her.

Back at the camp, the teens are taking a dip in the lake. You may wonder why the fuck they're not doing any work, but you're gonna have to get over it, old man. These teens play by their own rules. At one point, Ned screams for help and drifts underwater. As the viewer this is a hilarious moment because as we all know, Ned is a zany jokester. When they pull Ned out of the water after shouting "Watch his neck!" about 10 times, one of the girls attempts mouth to mouth at which point Ned Goes in for the kill. LITERALLY. He snaps the girls neck. Ned, you're so zonkers. No, Ned doesn't kill anybody. But he does take advantage of the moment to make out with his rescuer. Once everybody realizes Ned is fine, they all have a hearty American laugh.

Later, while the teens are back at work, Brenda finds a snake in one of the cabins. She shouts for help and immediately every single character runs into her cabin. Bill grabs a machete and chops the snake in two.

KILL METER: 4

What's cool about the snake death is that they used a real fucking snake. Even though the legendary Tom Savini, who was responsible for all of the film's effects, could very well have made a realistic-looking snake, they opted to kill a real one onscreen. And that is THE BALLS.

After the brutally concluded snake debacle, Alice moves to the kitchen where she opens the pantry door to find, of all people, RALPH! Now you gotta hand it to this guy. He could have been waiting in there for days before somebody found him, yet he had the courage of his convictions to sit and wait. And man did it pay off. Alice screamed at the top of her lungs. Ralph proceeded to go off on one of his classic rants. "You're doomed!" he proclaimed pointing at Alice as he backed out of the kitchen into the woods, "You're all doomed". He then hopped onto his bike and continued "Doomed, I say. Dooooooomed. Dooooooooooomed" As he rides away into the distance, the camera awkwardly lingers on Ralph until he is completely out of the shot. Making it the best shot in the entire movie. This is the end of Ralph for this Friday, but don't worry. He shows up in later installments of the franchise.



Night is starting to fall on Camp Crystal Lake, or "Camp Blood" as Ralph calls it. Also, just for atmosphere, the weather gods decided to send a storm their way. Whacky Ned spots a mysterious figure walking into one of the cabins. He follows in, asking "Can I help you" and curiously, we don't see what happens next. Christ's shit, I hope Ned doesn't get hurt. Without his antics, this place would be boresville.

Most of the other teens pile into the same cabin to y'know hang and whatever, except for Kevin Bacon and Marcy who sneak off to their own cabin for a game of 'find the vagina'. Kevin Bacon wins.

After their fuck-making session, Marcy rolls off of Kevin Bacon to go to the outhouse and repent. Kevin Bacon grins and lights a marijuana cigarette. The camera pans up from Kevin Bacon to the top bunk where Ned is laying in a pool of blood either dead, or playing a really fucked up prank that no one else can see.

KILL METER: 5

Back to Kevin Bacon. He takes another toke from his hash doobie and SPLIFF! A knife juts from under the bed through Kevin Bacon's throat. This is a great Tom Savini makeup effect, and among the fans, this is probably the most popular kill in the first Friday.

KILL METER: 6



Now we're rolling. It took a while, but the corpses are beginning to pile up. In the outhouse, Marcy is checking herself out in the mirror. I would too, if I had just had sex with Kevin Bacon. Watching her from a corner of the room, the killer decides to step out and give Marcy another reflective surface upon which to admire her own looks, RIGHT IN THE CHEST. THWACK! An axe swings into her body.

KILL METER: 7

If you've been counting, there are only 3 campers left. This, of course isn't including Steve, the shirtless employer, because he is inexplicably non-present throughout most of the movie. We later learn that he was out on the town eating pie.

Brenda, Alice and Bill have been in a cabin of their own playing Strip monopoly and smoking drugs. A perfectly teenagerly activity in the early 80's. Soon they will die.

As the monopoly game wraps up, Brenda decides to go to the outhouse to tidy up (gloss her muffin). On her way there, she finds herself standing directly in front of an archery target. I don't blame Brenda for this, and neither should you. She wasn't aware she was in a movie. If she knew, I'm sure she would have had a fighting chance to avoid an arrow to the tatty. Nonetheless, it was inevitable.

KILL METER: 8

Stuffed with local pie, shirtless Steve, sporting a raincoat to keep his permed chest hairs safe from the storm, moseys toward the camp entrance. He is stopped by the POV killer. He smiles, as though he recognizes the figure and says "What are you doing out here?" Bad move, Steve. You should have never asked such a selfish question. SHARP OBJECT TO THE BELLY!

KILL METER: 9

All that we have left are Alice and Bill. Finally hip to everybody's absence, these two teen detectives search for their fellow campers. Of course they split up. As Bill is inexplicably toying with the generator (because every good horror movie has a generator) the POV slasher sneaks up behind him. We don't see what happens, but we can assume they didn't have tea together.

Meanwhile, Alice has hit the jackpot. She's stumbled upon all of her friends bodies in their various states of impalement and decapitation. After screaming at the bodies, which I found to be rather rude, she runs toward the generator to find Bill. There she finds him posted like a note to the door with arrows.

KILL METER: 10

Now alone, Alice is especially annoying. Luckily a car pulls up, and an unsuspicious, kindly old woman steps out. She introduces herself as Mrs. Voorhees. Alice tries to explain what has happened. Curiously, Mrs. Voorhees is rather calm. Wait a minute- could she be?...nah. No way.

Mrs. Voorhees proceeds to explain to Alice that nobody should have tried to revive Camp Crystal lake. And how everybody has paid the consequences. In talking, she refers to the killer in first person. I assumed this was an error in speech. However, through deduction, Alice determined that Mrs. Voorhees was the killer.

What a twist.

Mrs. Voorhees then explains the movie to Alice. Turns out, back in the late 50's, her son Jason used to attend this camp. He was out swimming one day when the councilors on duty failed to pay attention due to a distracting mishap in which their genitals became intertwined. This of course led to Jason's unfortunate drowning. When we flash back to Jason's drowning, you can't help but notice, he's a bald misshapen mongoloid child. Was Camp Crystal Lake a camp for special kids? Or was Jason an exception? The movie fails to answer this question. The movie also fails to answer why Mrs. Voorhees chose to explain her point by point motive in rich detail to Alice, while silently killing all of the other teens.

Of course, a murderous chase ensues. Though reasonably successful at murdering 9 other people with little effort, Mrs. Voorhees seems to be having trouble with this Alice character. The chase leads to the kitchen where Alice catches Mrs. Voorhees off guard and thwomps her in the head with a frying pan rendering her unconscious. Instead of going for help, Alice decides to take a breather out by the canoes. It's reasonable. She's had a rough night. She deserves her rest.

OH FUCK HERE COMES MRS VOORHEES AGAIN! They tussle by the lakeside until Mrs Voorhees knocks Alice to the ground. Alice grabs the emergency machete placed near the shore, and charges toward Mrs. Voorhees. In glorious slow motion, we witness the decapitation of the murderous old woman responsible for the life of Kevin Bacon. The head whips around in the air in several beautiful rotations.

KILL METER: 11 (This is the final kill, contrary to the original trailer which claims 13 victims )



Alice, desperate for rest, takes a seat in a canoe, drifting into the lake without an oar. Finally, she can nap.

The next morning, Alice awakens in the middle of the lake. The sun is glistening off the water's ripples as the musical score has changed in tone to cheerful. Then, in the film's most inspired moment, a rotted version of mongoloid Jason leaps from the lake, pulling Alice under.

If the movie ended here, it would have gone down as one of the best endings in horror film history, right alongside Sleepaway Camp. But no. That's not how the movie finished. The Jason scene is followed by Alice waking up in the hospital after a nightmare. A police officer explains to her that all of her friends are dead, and she stares blankly, then says "What about little Jason? He's still alive" Roll credits.

What the fuck? Did we really have to leave on that note? What does that even mean? The movie would have been far cooler if mongoloid zombie fishfood Jason leaping out of the water was the capper. Or, a more realistic ending would have Alice leaving the camp in handcuffs after weakly explaining how a little old lady killed all of those people.



There you have it. That's the first Friday. To be honest, the movie is forgettable overall. The only reason people still talk about it and watch it to this day is because it was the spark that ignited a famous horror franchise, and because it was one of Kevin Bacon's first movie roles. If there was never a sequel to this movie, and Kevin Bacon died of a coke overdose before becoming famous, this movie would not have stood up this far. The only people who would talk about it would be elite horror buffs. "Oh you've never seen Friday the 13th? Come back to me when you actually know something about horror films. I'm a douche".

However, because this is the movie that birthed Jason, it has to be given all due respect. Kind of like Evel Knievel's mother. Nobody that I know would enjoy watching her do old lady shit, but she has to be treated with high honors for creating one of the coolest people to have lived.

Stay tuned for Friday the 13th part 2.

AWARDS

Best Surviving Character: Crazy Ralph. I would watch a movie just about him.

Best Fashion Statement: Suspenders with no T shirt - Bill

Best Line: "You're all doomed" - Crazy Ralph

Best Death: The Snake. Hand's down.

Best Victim: Mrs. Voorhees. Betsy Palmer's performance was impressive. This could have been because she was the only good actor in the whole movie.

A legacy of horror

I'm a big fan of horror movie icons. Chucky, Freddy, Leatherface, Michael Myers, JASON. They're all heroes of mine and are a big part of my childhood. As a child, I was constantly seeking out every film these monsters starred in. They were my Frankenstein, Dracula or Wolfman.

As early as 8 years old, I was fluent in slasher cinema. Many people might question my upbringing. What kind of parents would let their children watch such violent movies? We had free HBO, and my parents weren't fags about it. I don't know what else to say. One day, some scruffy looking guy came into our house, clipped a few wires in the back of our cable box and my dad gave him five bucks. After that moment, I had access to all of the classics that formed my childhood.

Let's face it. There are certain R rated movies that were meant for children. This list includes, but is not limited to - Anything by Jackie Chan, Robocop, Terminator 2, Aliens, Predator, Rambo, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Total Recall, and most of the horror films made in the late 80's into the early 90's. Pretty much if the movie was accompanied by merchandising geared toward adolescents, then it was meant for kids regardless of the rating. Most of the movies I listed were spun off into action figures and, more importantly, video games.

My gateway to the Jason franchise was via the Friday the 13th NES game. One day a friend brought it over. We didn't know what the fuck we were supposed to do to beat it, but man were we scared shitless every time we walked into a cabin and Jason popped up at us. It was the first scary video game I had ever played, and I loved it. I loved cringing as I walked into each cabin, not sure what would be around the corner. It was like when somebody stretched out a rubber band and pointed it toward you. The longer they held it, the more you anticipated the snapping pain, the scarier it got. It was exciting. So you could imagine my reaction when my friend told me this was based on a movie. "WHAT!? You mean, like the Ninja Turtles Movie?"
"Yeah, like the ninja turtles"
Except I don't remember Splinter ever beating a teenager's head in with a rock.

Friday the 13th was the first horror series I watched. Having seen any of the Jason movies was like a status symbol in elementary school. You may have had dry snot caked under your nose and crayon stains all over your sweat pants, but if you saw a "Jason Movie" you were the man. Luckily for me, our stolen HBO signal streamed Friday the 13th marathons weekly.

Jason was my annual Halloween costume for at least 3 years. My budget conscious parents were big fans of the 3 dollar mask and plastic machete. I've since come to despise the cheap plastic hockey masks they sell for a dime a dozen at every wal-mart, but as a 10 year old, I couldn't have been more excited.

Having been my first monster crush, I have quite a soft spot for Jason. It is standard tradition for me to watch a Friday the 13th whenever said date falls on the calendar. On top of that, I watch the entire series every October.

As October is fast approaching, I thought it would be a good idea to use this blog to post a series of Friday the 13th reviews. Once every other day, I will watch the Friday the 13th movies in order and write a subsequent review.

Now, as you know, Jason has spun off into other series, so I have to place a set of guidelines for which movies will be reviewed.

-First and foremost, "Freddy Vs. Jason" is out of the game, as it is not a Freddy, or a Jason movie. It's a novelty, "what if" type of movie that barely ranks into the horror or slasher genre.

-No "Jason X". The abomination it is. The big mistake they made here was getting rid of the classic Jason costume. Putting a horror icon in space is the sitcom equivalent to jumping a shark. Jason X isn't really a "Friday the 13th movie" anyway. It was made when New Line bought the rights to the character but not the title. That type of cheap legal manipulation doesn't settle around here.

-"Jason Goes to Hell" is the first movie that used cheap legal tricks to make a Jason movie by avoiding the "Friday the 13th" label. The biggest sin committed in this one was the utter lack of Jason Vorhees. He shows up at the beginning for 5 mins and the end for 5 mins. The rest of the movie is a bunch of people being "possessed" by Jason through spitting some worm thing into each victim's throat. I can't begin to express how lame it is to make a Jason movie without Jason. There's only one offender worse than this in the horror genre. (See- Halloween 3)

Other than those 3, all "Friday the 13th" movies will be reviewed. That gives us eight golden movie nuggets to be revisited. This should be fun. I'm looking forward to all of the exposed, stoned and decapitated teenagers that are to come.

Hey, Star Wars. WHA happen?!

The new Star Wars movie, by all means, BLOWS! I was excited for this one, as George Lucas did not write or direct it. I've had a long running theory that when George Lucas writes and directs a Star Wars, it sucks. Case in Point- the new trilogy. Proof that the new trilogy could have kicked ass - Watch "The Clone" wars vols 1 & 2 produced for the Cartoon Network a few years back. These stories took place in the Anakin Skywalker segment on the Star Wars timeline, and they were great. And guess what- Lucas had little to nothing to do with them.

Out of spite and frustration, I created this- "The Lucas Theory" My watertight theory on why George Lucas' creative resources have dried up over the last 30 years.

Enjoy

Not one fucking alien

This one will be quick. I went to see the X-Files movie, and though it did have Mulder and Scully in it, that was about all the movie had to do with anything this side of X-Files. No Aliens. No conspiracies. No black trenchcoats, or flashing of FBI badges.

Here's the supernatural this movie had to offer. A priest who used to bugger little boys has some visions of where a few body parts are. He has like 2-3 visions. We don't see the visions. He just says he sees something and we believe him. ( "I want to believe" ) And that's it. The end. The rest of the movie is people looking for some kidnapped chicks.

This movie had the production quality of a lifetime made for TV movie. The kind you see on a rainy sunday afternoon and watch only because there was nothing else on and you want to find out who the killer is at the end, but once the movie's over, an itch on your back will make you forget everything you just saw. If this movie didn't have X-Files in the title, it would be a little less embarrassing, but still not that great of a story.

No creatures. No cigarette smoking man. Nothing.

They give us Mulder and Scully post FBI careers, and man do those fuckers look weird now. I may have been able to stomach David Duchovny's Kennedy-style oversized (and still growing) head with an ever-disappearing chin and floppity cheeks if it were crammed inside of an FBI suit with a gun and badge, but that wasn't the case here. Same goes for Scully with her long flat "I'm a 40-something progressive yuppie" hairdo.

The X-files TV show is so awesome. Practically every week we were blessed with a great supernatural scary story grounded in enough reality to make you check your own room twice when the lights were out. This movie offered not the slightest pubic hair of an inkling of what the X-files show was all about. Why did they want me to see this? These fuckers knew fans like me were going to mosey into the theater. Is this a joke? If so, I want in. I want to be the one laughing at the sad and confused mugs leaving the movie theater in droves. Well, at least I can say this for myself - I will be the one laughing when the x-files theaters are empty because everybody told their friends about how much of a tampon scab this movie really is.

NOT ONE FUCKING ALIEN

Revenge of 'Jaws' Revenge'

Take off your swimming suit and put your pants back on. Get out of the water, Jack- Jaws is back. I fuck you not.



Of course there are the occasional, but rare, Shark sightings across the U.S. every year. Even more rare are sharks spotted in cooler waters than normal, but it's not out of the realm of possibility. However, what I'm going to speak with you, nay, WARN YOU about, will blow the sock off your dick.

Over the past week, there have been multiple sightings of GREAT WHITE sharks in, of all places, MARTHA'S VINEYARD. Those of you keen on JAWS trivia will know that Martha's Vineyard was the backdrop for the fictional "Amity Island" at which many innocent vacationers fell prey to the greatest creature ever to grace the ocean.



The movie JAWS depicted the struggle of a New England police chief as he fought to keep tourists and locals out of the water after a vicious shark attack, much to the dismay of the Mayor, who's seat in office thrived upon the popular tourist season on their small island.

According to Department of Conservation and Recreation spokeswoman Wendy Fox, "“We can’t tell people they can’t swim there,” she said. “But we can recommend against it.” Sound familiar?
Often the question has been asked whether art interpets life or life interpets art. Looks like that question has been answered because CLEARLY a few great whites have gotten their hands on a copy of JAWS.

Aside from the multiple JAWS sighting off the coast of Martha's Vineyard, the corpse of a great white washed ashore on sister island, Nantucket. The dead shark was verified to be a 7ft great white by some Richard Dreyfus-type marine biologist. The sharks spotted off of the Vineyard were estimated at around 15ft, rivaling the 20ft shark in JAWS. This Nantucket 7 footer was just a runt that failed to withstand the chilly New England Atlantic waters. Those 15 footers are still out there. Roaming. Taunted by the splashes and shouting of summer beach-goers.

You want my 2 cents on this whole shibaggle? Swallow these pennies- During the production of JAWS, the Martha's Vineyard locals constantly voiced their frustrations of the interruption of their, from what I can gather, BORING LIVES. To this day, the landmark of the greatest American film made does not, in any location acknowledge that the movie JAWS even exists. Not one gift shop, or sign post. JAWS was a warning sign from the beasts of the deep. They wanted us to leave them alone. My theory is that the ignorance of the people of Martha's Vineyard has pushed the sharks too far over the edge to the point at which they feel the need to express the veracity of their multi rows of teeth by force rather than diplomacy. They tried diplomacy through an educational film. And it worked for a while. JAWS was a hit. But the people are starting to forget. And so it seems, the people of the vineyard never acknowledged the threat in the first place.

If you ask me, I don't blame the sharks. I say steer the fuck clear of the ocean for a few years until things calm down. Be aware. Be afraid. And GET A BIGGER BOAT.