The Search is Over

A few weeks back, I went on a trip to New Hampshire where among many other things, I made a stop at a small sub shop where I had one of the best burgers I've eaten in a long time. Along with the burger, I purchased a bag of chips if for no other reason than to have an excuse to sing the old 1978 Rusty Tiggins song "Chips and a Burger" while I enjoyed my meal. If you haven't heard that song, here's one of the verses.

Chips and a burger. Chips and a burger.
Chips chips chips oh chips and a burger.
My wife makes my life misery
When I get home, I think I'm gonna murder.

What's special here is that the chips I bought were a flavor I never tried before called "All Dressed". When I tasted the first chip, my tongue walked out of my mouth, past my nose, slapped me in the eye and said "Fuck you for having been around all these years and never eating these before." My eyes crossed and I replied, "Well I'm glad you like them"
He got ever closer to me and said "Like em? It's like I've been jerking off my toe all my life, then one day I discovered my penis"

As you can tell from what my tongue told me, these chips were very satisfying. Based on the packaging artwork, "All dressed" is supposed to be a medley of different chip seasonings such as barbeque, salt and vinegar, sour cream and ketchup. Who would come up with such a concept? Answer: The Canadians, Jim. The Canadians.

There is a potato chip subculture in Canada that rivals their love of hockey and the word "eh". The seemingly endless chip flavor variety ranges from Indian Masala chips, to roast chicken with a lot of stops in between. Why so many interesting choices? Coming from the heads of the guys who think health care is a right, there's no telling.

Occasionally, the Candians' zany chip flavors make their way into the US. You may recognize some such as "Dill Pickle" and "Ketchup". Though most of their flavors stay up north as they cannot muster the courage the tolerate the berating customs officers shouting things such as "Immigrant faggot" and "Pinko faggot!" So we shouldn't take for granted the few flavors that have defied the border.

Having discovered the border defying All Dressed chips, one bag was simply not enough. On my way home, I stopped by that same sub shop to buy a few more bags, but alas, they were closed. I carefully squeezed out a spite shit onto their entryway.

As I drove away, everything looked like a bag of all dressed chips to me. The cars passing by. The painted lines in the road. All of the strippers in the 6 clubs that I stopped in on the way home from my 100 mile trip, normally a 2 hour drive that spanned several days. Everything.

My veins were growing lonely and they desparately needed a visitor. (In this metaphor, the chips are heroin). I couldn't find all dressed chips in any of the local stores. I was about to give up. But then the Mexican that I hire to change the lightbulbs in my head showed up - late as usual. He unscrewed the smashed bulb floating above me and replaced it with a shiny new one. He flicked my nipple to turn the light on, smoked a funny smelling cigarette, put his clothes back on, and walked away. Then BOOM! It hit me! What if I were to contact the company that produces these chips?

In this case, it was Humpty Dumpty. I called them up and spoke with a representative. I explained my admiration for their product and how I was having trouble finding them in my area. I told them I would have no issue buying a small case and paying shipping charges. After a silent moment, they flat out told me no and hung up. I immediately shot myself in the head.

Weeks later, I woke up to a man in a white coat shining a flashlight in my eyes. I asked him "Where am I?" "You're in the hospital," he said "You tried to kill yourself and fucked up once again" Already ignoring him, I was surfing the TV channels with the bedside remote. "Does this get skinemax?" I asked him. His shoulders lowered and he sighed as he said "Fuck this job," while exiting the room.

A few minutes after the doctor left, I ripped the IV's out of my arms and brain and filled a trash bag with medical supplies which I slung over my shoulder as I leapt out of the hospital room window. Not realizing which floor I was on, I fell 4 stories onto the sidewalk knocking down the doctor who had recently checked me.

The next day I laid in a full body cast shouting at a nurse who wouldn't flip to the next page of "Raunchy Whores Vol. 9 Issue 8" for me. As she stormed out I exclaimed "You don't flip the page for me and I will leave a gift in the bedpan that will make you want to quit!" It didn't work. She slammed the door and I was forced to turn the pages with the straw in my mouth.

There was a knock on my door. It was my boss coming in to tell me that he had to let me go after he saw that my absence brought productivity up. I knew this was coming and I was surprised I got away with it for as many years as I did. When he turned to leave, I was readying a loogie in my straw, aiming for the back of his head, but he turned back and asked "How did you get into this whole mess anyway?" I explained to him the All Dressed Chips story and he nodded saying "Yeah, I love those chips"
"Oh, you've tried them before?"
"Yeah. They sell them at the gas station on 110 across from the movie theater"

You're fucking kidding me.

I bought three bags yesterday and will from now on frequent that place as the "Potato chips guy who always uses our bathroom".

In Defense of Pirates

Let me begin with expressing my disinterest and nigh hatred for the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Curse of the Black Pearl:

I was excited to see a big pirate movie. There hadn't been a pirate movie in a long time, it was a dead genre. And to my knowledge there had never been a pirate movie made on this large a scale. This was a big deal and Johnny Depp's character looked awesome.

Then I walked out of the theater. So Johnny Depp was okay ... but ... who the fuck is Orlando Blumpkin and Skinny Tits? Why did they take up so much screen time? I hated them. I wanted more Johnny Depp. There was hardly ANY pirate stuff in this movie. I wanted pirate stuff. I am severely disappointed.

Dead Man's Chest:

Hmmm, a sequel? Well I guess it's just gonna be Johnny Depp the whole time because Fuck Face and Skinny Tits' story has already been told and they were sent on their merry way. Well, with them out of the way the movie HAS to be better.

Then I stumbled out of the theater. WHY THE FUCK WERE SKINNY TITS AND FUCKERNUTTER STILL IN THE MOVIE!?? It was so fucking long, nothing happened, I was confused the whole time. Johnny Depp was okay, but the story didn't end, they just left you on a cliffhanger and answered the question they left you with at the end. Yes, Johnny Depp died, but don't worry we'll bring him back to life. AND THERE WASN'T ENOUGH PIRATE STUFF!

At Worlds End:

Are SKELETON NIPS AND FUCKLEBERRY HOUND in it? Yes? No need to watch it.

So that's my summarized history with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. By no way am I a cheerleader for the franchise. You'd think with the relatively unhealthy relationship I have with them, I wouldn't give two wet hemorrhoids about another sequel. However, as noted in the trailer, Titty Lips and Shit Ass are nowhere to be found. This perked my ears. Black Beard is in it. This made my tail stand up. Johnny Depp is still around. Good, good. The fountain of youth. Fun, interesting. Mermaids and Zombies. Alright, they suckered my in.

I checked it out on Friday and was thoroughly entertained. It was all Johnny Depp. His Jack Sparrow is awesome. One of the most unique and memorable characters in cinema history. There was TONS of pirate stuff. Sword Fights, Mutinies, Treasure, Poop Deck Swabbing, you name it, they had it. The action was fun. The characters were fun. The quest for the fountain of youth was very much Indiana Jones-ey and as a matter of fact, this movie was better than the last Indiana Jones.

So ... why all the hate? And why do I find the need to defend a billion dollar movie from a bunch of internet bullies? By all means, this should have been the only Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I feel like the first three were experiments until they finally got it right.

The feeling that I get is that most people are now tired of the franchise and can't be bothered with another, but the irony therein is the majority of these folks participated in the general consensus that Fast Five is the best entry yet in that diarrhea pile of a movie series. History doesn't lie, especially when it was only two weeks ago. Take a moment, if you will to go to rottentomatoes.com and check out the ratings meter for both movies. Today it stands at this: Fast Five - 79% With a nice fresh tomato next to it and Pirates - 34% With a big green splat. You can go past that site to analyze as many reviews as you want, but rotten tomatoes sums it up right there with a big, bold PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I happened to see Fast Five, and it is without argument, one of the dumbest, most poorly made, meat-headed, piece of shit installments from a series of tank top wearing, upper tooth rotting, car accident inducing movies you will EVER SEE. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained. But in the way that I enjoy watching a morbidly obese man wipe powdered sugar off his chest flaps while he guzzles down a hunk of fried dough trying to enjoy it despite a sandy windstorm, which in fact I gandered at a week or so ago from a street corner whilst holding opera glasses to my eyes. Why is this entertaining to me? Because it defies nature. By all means it shouldn't be. In fact the cogs of the universe almost seem like they're specifically trying to make sure it DOESN'T HAPPEN. Yet somehow a movie where two guys hook a giant vault up to their cars and whip it around city blocks, knocking other cars out of the way and crushing buildings with no physical repercussions to their own vehicles, gets good reviews and simultaneously a human sack of cheeseburgers galoots around in this world with a functioning heart.

Fast five is almost three hours long and I'm pretty sure an hour of that is establishing shots. I fucking get it, you're in RIO and there's a giant Jesus. They could have told the same story in a half hour or less. I don't say that sarcastically. If somebody wanted, they could cut the movie on their own to a half hour and not lose a bit of story. Yet sites such as the A.V. Club say this about it,

"Fast Five may be lizard-brain escapism—and there’s something unsettling about how it lays waste to Rio’s desperately poor favelas—but nonsense this well-orchestrated is a rare and precious thing."

Giving the movie a B+

The same site reviewed the new Pirates of the Caribbean and here's what they had to say,

"POTC was never about nuance, and now it’s even less so: It’s about watching Depp fall into peril and wriggle his way out, over and over, for hours. Tides is a smaller film than past installments, by design and necessity. Which often makes it feel lightweight, but that’s still better than bloated."

They rated Pirates a straight C.

This is just one example of many. You can make whatever argument you like regarding the new Pirates movie. Like it or hate it. But you can't do the same with Fast Five. Fast Five is simply bad. You can enjoy watching it. I did. I laughed my ass off. But it is just not a good movie and taste can't come in to play. With food, somebody can enjoy or dislike a certain chili or casserole, but nobody can make an argument for a piece of shit. A literal piece of shit. If you tried to defend it, nobody would look at you the same.

"Oh come on, man. It's good. Give it a shot. It's an acquired taste."
"No ... that's okay, Willy. You can leave now."
"If only you would give shit a chance. You fuckers needs ta read Green Eggs and Ham"

I, for one, thought they did a great job with the new Pirates of the Caribbean. However, there are a lot of critics out there who will tell you otherwise. And for the record, they all have shit stains on their teeth.

The Death of Macho Man Randy Savage

The too soon department brings to you all of the things that have been going through my head since I heard about the death of Macho Man Randy Savage. As sad as it is, he's just one of those people you make cracks about when they die like Osama Bin Laden and Clowns.

Crash Into A Palm Tree!

Yet more proof that you shouldn't have a heart attack while driving.

He could be faking it. He used to get paid to do that.

And ...

Will The Undertaker be at his funeral?

We just kid, though. There's a certain grieving widow who wouldn't appreciate these jokes. Along with a whole crew of people who are now out of work ... scratch that, just a widow.

THOR

How perfect to have walked out of "THOR" to a lightning storm. The kind where the clouds are almost black and the lightning bolts are visible. Just poetic. It was like walking out of a porn theater to a blowjob.

The movie was good. I had no issues with it. It's not a movie that I would want to watch over and over, but the action, visuals and performances were very satisfying. And let me say, that is something for everyone involved to be proud of because by all means this movie should have sucked. It's based on a relatively uninteresting comic book character with a stereotypical backstory. The only reason most comic readers know about Thor is because he happens to pop up in stories about characters they actually care about. I've never met somebody who had this guy in their list of favorite comic book characters beside the girl from Adventures in Babysitting. So to take a character and story with which there isn't a significant amount of support from the fanbase and make a movie that is genuinely entertaining in all aspects - they deserve a reward.

Marvel studios does a good job at wedging in little things for the fans without causing head scratchers for the average movie goer and they dropped a few shiny nuggets in this one that made me smile. Like all of their movies so far, you can wait through the credits for a post script scene. They chose to further THOR's story with this moment rather than just show the ear hair of some character that might show up in a new movie down the road. I found that to be bittersweet, but it was worth holding my pee for a few extra minutes.

SPOILER:


I found the rape scene between Thor and the frost Giant to be in poor taste. It was extremely graphic and I have no idea how they got away with a PG-13. I almost left the theater when he pulled a gun on the frost giant afterward and said "Thor forgot to wear a condom. Thor doesn't want any kids" then proceeded to shoot the giant in the stomach. Messed up. What was he even doing with a gun on Asgard?


END SPOILER.


No matter who you are, comic fan or not, as long as you're up for a big fun action adventure film, you will enjoy this one. Definitely give it a shot.

Next up we have X-Men and Captain America to look forward to. I have hopes for Captain America and I would be shocked if X-Men didn't pick me up and punch me in the chest right in front of my mom. (That means I think it's gonna be awesome)

Good Luck, Avengers Movie

For the past 5 years or so, Marvel and DC alike have been releasing direct to video features based on their most popular properties. Though there have been a few misses, these videos for the most part are eye socket shattering hits. I mean that in the sense that they are more entertaining than most live action comic book movies I've seen. When I first watched Marvel's animated Iron Man feature, I was SURE that it was going to be better than soon to be Robert Downey Junior Iron Man. Fortunately they did an awesome job with the live action movie, but it should be noted that these are so well done they make me doubt their blockbuster counterparts.

Recently Marvel began producing an Avengers animated series, and yet again it is so well done that I doubt the Avengers movie will be anywhere near as good. In fact I don't see this Summer's Captain America or Thor matching the quality that you'll find in the new Avengers cartoon.

You'd think live action movies would hold an upper hand to cartoons, but the problem with movies oftentimes is that there's so much money involved, they get micromanaged by the uncreative people who write the checks. Think about all the rich people you know, if any, and ask yourself if they could write, act, or direct their way out of a wet paper bag with a tear on the bottom. If they could, well then fuck you for proving me wrong.

With animation, there is still a certain amount of bullshit, but it doesn't exist anywhere near on the same level as 100 million dollar movies. Typically, the creators tasked with targeting a specific audience for their content and they are left alone. It's different if you are making a show for 5 year olds as compared to 13 year olds or (if you're lucky) a cartoon for adults. Other than that it's just a matter of getting the shit out in time and if you're fortunate enough to be managed by a group of people who care then you get to make an awesome show. We happen to live in a time where Marvel and DC animation is for the most part taken seriously enough to produce content that can go toe to toe with the big guns at the cineplex.

If you haven't already, give the Avengers: Earths Mightiest Heroes a chance. You won't be disappointed. And while you're at it, try these features and series of recent years:

The Invincible Iron Man
Dr. Strange
Next Avengers
Hulk Vs.
Wolverine and The X-Men
Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes
Justice League & Justice League Unlimited
Every Single DC Showcase Short
Justice League New Frontier
Green Lantern First Flight
Batman Under the Red Hood
Batman: The Brave and the Bold
WonderWoman
Batman Gotham Knight
Justice League Crisis On Two Earths

It's all FUCKING amazing.

'Nuff Said

You Flush it, I Flaunt it

I made a quick stop at the New England Depression-con today. If you're not familiar with "Depression-Con" that's probably because the proper title is the "Seacoast Collectible Show". It's a comic book, and sports memorabilia show that dares to depress the fuck out of you with it's one, two, three, kill yourself combination of mopey atmosphere, sluggish people and crusty things for sale.

I always end up going into these things excited and leaving with a deflated balloon in my hand and a face streaked with tear-soaked mascara. It's because I build it up so much. "There's gonna be all these awesome comics and artists and toys and holy shit, SUNDAY WILL ROCK!" I drive there with an ear to ear grin, then as soon as I step into the place and look around, my grin is shattered by the environment of reeses peanut butter cup induced guts, pit-and-tit-sweat-stained superhero t shirts, old carboard and sad man-child toys that deserve to be thrown away.

And man did I find some Gems this time around.

First up is Bob. The Joker's right hand man in the 1989 Batman. I remember in kindergarten some girl brought this toy to school and gave it to me, why, I don't know, but it's a distinct memory of mine. I kept the thing for a while until life happened and it disappeared. I bought it back today for five bucks off this guy who got into a smile-faced passive aggressive argument with me about which episode of Batman the animated series was the first. Long story short - he was wrong and he charges too much for his shitty action figures.



Needless to say, I am excited to bring Bob back into my life and one day hope to relieve my stress by shooting him in the head just as Joker did.

Oddly enough, there is a photo on the back showing Bob in action and if you look closely, he is way shittier than the Bob that comes in the package.









It was smart of them to lower a kid's expectations because the Bob they get is quite a sad affair to begin with.

Moving along. If you didn't think I could top Bob, you were right because my other purchase was a set of Total Recall trading Cards.



Yes it's true. I can now carry my favorite moments from one of the Mars-iest movies ever made in my wallet like they were photos of my own children. I can picture myself being held at gunpoint and flipping open my wallet to show these cards

"Please, mistah. I have Total Recall trading cards"

"Isn't that the movie with the chick that has three tits?"

"Yeah, mistah. It is"

"I liked that movie"

BLAMM! (That was the sound of him shooting me anyways)

The best part of this set isn't even the cards. Included in the box is a shit ton of Total Recall memorabilia including:

A Receipt from Rekall

A Ticket To Mars

MARS MONEY!

And Last, also just as least:

A ROCK FROM MARS!

I know it's a real Mars rock because the sticker on it says so. If you dare question it, I will punch all of the Karate lessons right out of you!

Not a bad set - if you suck just as much as me. I do have a major complaint however. Missing from the cards are 2 important images.

Number one: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger's bloated face as he is about to explode in the vacuum of Mars' air free atmosphere. That is one of the most iconic images from the movie. They have a card of Ronny Cox's face blowing up, so there's no excuse as to why Arnold's is absent.

And Number Two: The chick with 3 tits. I know they would claim she was not included because these trading cards are directed toward kids, but don't even try me. A kid's gonna buy these cards because he saw the movie, which means he saw the titties, which means he intends to throw away everything BUT the titty card. Imagine the look of disappointment on that kid's mug. And let's just say some kid bought these blindly having not seen the film. Guess what, Janice - After he sees these cards, the first thing he's gonna do is find his Dad's copy of Total Recall from under his bed and watch it right away. In both cases, the kid is witness to the titties, so there was NO excuse to keep that card out of the set. Poorly played, boys. Real sad.

Those were my finds from Depression Con. Hope you enjoyed them. I know I will until my next house fire.

Before I go, since I've been on the topic of Total Recall, I just want to remind everybody that, YES, they are remaking that movie, and YES everybody involved can go FAG themselves.