Not one fucking alien

This one will be quick. I went to see the X-Files movie, and though it did have Mulder and Scully in it, that was about all the movie had to do with anything this side of X-Files. No Aliens. No conspiracies. No black trenchcoats, or flashing of FBI badges.

Here's the supernatural this movie had to offer. A priest who used to bugger little boys has some visions of where a few body parts are. He has like 2-3 visions. We don't see the visions. He just says he sees something and we believe him. ( "I want to believe" ) And that's it. The end. The rest of the movie is people looking for some kidnapped chicks.

This movie had the production quality of a lifetime made for TV movie. The kind you see on a rainy sunday afternoon and watch only because there was nothing else on and you want to find out who the killer is at the end, but once the movie's over, an itch on your back will make you forget everything you just saw. If this movie didn't have X-Files in the title, it would be a little less embarrassing, but still not that great of a story.

No creatures. No cigarette smoking man. Nothing.

They give us Mulder and Scully post FBI careers, and man do those fuckers look weird now. I may have been able to stomach David Duchovny's Kennedy-style oversized (and still growing) head with an ever-disappearing chin and floppity cheeks if it were crammed inside of an FBI suit with a gun and badge, but that wasn't the case here. Same goes for Scully with her long flat "I'm a 40-something progressive yuppie" hairdo.

The X-files TV show is so awesome. Practically every week we were blessed with a great supernatural scary story grounded in enough reality to make you check your own room twice when the lights were out. This movie offered not the slightest pubic hair of an inkling of what the X-files show was all about. Why did they want me to see this? These fuckers knew fans like me were going to mosey into the theater. Is this a joke? If so, I want in. I want to be the one laughing at the sad and confused mugs leaving the movie theater in droves. Well, at least I can say this for myself - I will be the one laughing when the x-files theaters are empty because everybody told their friends about how much of a tampon scab this movie really is.

NOT ONE FUCKING ALIEN

Revenge of 'Jaws' Revenge'

Take off your swimming suit and put your pants back on. Get out of the water, Jack- Jaws is back. I fuck you not.



Of course there are the occasional, but rare, Shark sightings across the U.S. every year. Even more rare are sharks spotted in cooler waters than normal, but it's not out of the realm of possibility. However, what I'm going to speak with you, nay, WARN YOU about, will blow the sock off your dick.

Over the past week, there have been multiple sightings of GREAT WHITE sharks in, of all places, MARTHA'S VINEYARD. Those of you keen on JAWS trivia will know that Martha's Vineyard was the backdrop for the fictional "Amity Island" at which many innocent vacationers fell prey to the greatest creature ever to grace the ocean.



The movie JAWS depicted the struggle of a New England police chief as he fought to keep tourists and locals out of the water after a vicious shark attack, much to the dismay of the Mayor, who's seat in office thrived upon the popular tourist season on their small island.

According to Department of Conservation and Recreation spokeswoman Wendy Fox, "“We can’t tell people they can’t swim there,” she said. “But we can recommend against it.” Sound familiar?
Often the question has been asked whether art interpets life or life interpets art. Looks like that question has been answered because CLEARLY a few great whites have gotten their hands on a copy of JAWS.

Aside from the multiple JAWS sighting off the coast of Martha's Vineyard, the corpse of a great white washed ashore on sister island, Nantucket. The dead shark was verified to be a 7ft great white by some Richard Dreyfus-type marine biologist. The sharks spotted off of the Vineyard were estimated at around 15ft, rivaling the 20ft shark in JAWS. This Nantucket 7 footer was just a runt that failed to withstand the chilly New England Atlantic waters. Those 15 footers are still out there. Roaming. Taunted by the splashes and shouting of summer beach-goers.

You want my 2 cents on this whole shibaggle? Swallow these pennies- During the production of JAWS, the Martha's Vineyard locals constantly voiced their frustrations of the interruption of their, from what I can gather, BORING LIVES. To this day, the landmark of the greatest American film made does not, in any location acknowledge that the movie JAWS even exists. Not one gift shop, or sign post. JAWS was a warning sign from the beasts of the deep. They wanted us to leave them alone. My theory is that the ignorance of the people of Martha's Vineyard has pushed the sharks too far over the edge to the point at which they feel the need to express the veracity of their multi rows of teeth by force rather than diplomacy. They tried diplomacy through an educational film. And it worked for a while. JAWS was a hit. But the people are starting to forget. And so it seems, the people of the vineyard never acknowledged the threat in the first place.

If you ask me, I don't blame the sharks. I say steer the fuck clear of the ocean for a few years until things calm down. Be aware. Be afraid. And GET A BIGGER BOAT.