Not one fucking alien

This one will be quick. I went to see the X-Files movie, and though it did have Mulder and Scully in it, that was about all the movie had to do with anything this side of X-Files. No Aliens. No conspiracies. No black trenchcoats, or flashing of FBI badges.

Here's the supernatural this movie had to offer. A priest who used to bugger little boys has some visions of where a few body parts are. He has like 2-3 visions. We don't see the visions. He just says he sees something and we believe him. ( "I want to believe" ) And that's it. The end. The rest of the movie is people looking for some kidnapped chicks.

This movie had the production quality of a lifetime made for TV movie. The kind you see on a rainy sunday afternoon and watch only because there was nothing else on and you want to find out who the killer is at the end, but once the movie's over, an itch on your back will make you forget everything you just saw. If this movie didn't have X-Files in the title, it would be a little less embarrassing, but still not that great of a story.

No creatures. No cigarette smoking man. Nothing.

They give us Mulder and Scully post FBI careers, and man do those fuckers look weird now. I may have been able to stomach David Duchovny's Kennedy-style oversized (and still growing) head with an ever-disappearing chin and floppity cheeks if it were crammed inside of an FBI suit with a gun and badge, but that wasn't the case here. Same goes for Scully with her long flat "I'm a 40-something progressive yuppie" hairdo.

The X-files TV show is so awesome. Practically every week we were blessed with a great supernatural scary story grounded in enough reality to make you check your own room twice when the lights were out. This movie offered not the slightest pubic hair of an inkling of what the X-files show was all about. Why did they want me to see this? These fuckers knew fans like me were going to mosey into the theater. Is this a joke? If so, I want in. I want to be the one laughing at the sad and confused mugs leaving the movie theater in droves. Well, at least I can say this for myself - I will be the one laughing when the x-files theaters are empty because everybody told their friends about how much of a tampon scab this movie really is.

NOT ONE FUCKING ALIEN