Friday the 13th Part 2

Welcome the the 2nd installment in the Friday the 13th franchise. In this movie, we are formally introduced to America's favorite teen stabber, Jason Voorhees. Though Jason is definitely up to his games that we know and love, it has to be noted that he is not in full form. Instead of the iconic hockey mask, Jason stalks his prey sporting a cloth sack tied around his face with only one eyehole. It's never established that Jason suffers from vision problems in his other eye, so the lack of 2 eyeholes in his mask was probably due to budgetary constraints.

Friday the 13th Part 2 was released exactly one year after its predecessor in May of 1981. You may be wondering why it wasn't released sometime in or around October, but the Friday the 13th franchise happened to be a summer series. This makes sense given that these were drive-in movies geared toward teens and twenty-somethings. What better time to release a horror film than during the summer when it's nice outside and all of those listless layabouts had nothing better to do than go to the drive in and feel up their girlfriend in the backseat while getting drunk off of the booze they stole out of my refrigerator because they don't have any of their own money since they won't get a goddamn job even though I circle a new one every day in the classified page. I'm sick of this bullshit. I wish somebody would teach my kid a lesson.

"Well sir, I have a solution for you"

"What would that be, voice?"

"Send your son to that new camp counselor training program by Crystal Lake"

"So he can get wasted with his buddies and swim around all day? That won't teach him anything"

"Trust me, sir. We have somebody here who will teach your son right where it counts"

"In the face?"

"Bam. Right in the face"

"Sign him up"

Friday 2 opens on a wet suburban street in the middle of the night. We watch Alice, the survivor of the last Friday tossing and turning in bed as she suffers from a nightmare which, conveniently for the viewer, gives us a summary of what happened in the first movie.

When Alice awakens from her nightmare, she sits up to show us how much weight she gained. Adrienne King should be applauded for her devotion to the Alice role. Not many actors dedicate themselves so strongly that they will gain an easy 20-30 pounds for a part in a movie that only lasts 5 minutes.

I guess I took away that surprise. Yeah, Alice get's killed. But let's backtrack. First she hears the phone ring. She picks it up. Nobody is on the other line. Could it be...? She hears a rustling outside. Quickly, Alice grabs a screwdriver to defend herself. The noise grows louder. It's coming from an open window. Alice walks toward the window. SOMETHING JUMPS INTO HER HOUSE! "Ahhh" says the audience collectively. Oh, wait. Never mind, folks. It's just the cat. We all laugh at the misunderstanding.

Alice opens the fridge to devour a cake in celebration of her not getting killed. But resting on the top shelf is a severed head. She steps back, bumping into a tall figure. We only see his hands. The figure jams Alice's screwdriver into her temple. Cue the credits.

KILL METER: 1. ( I debated whether to count the severed head Alice finds in the fridge, but ultimately decided no because we don't witness the physical decapitation, and we have no idea who the head belongs to. For all we know, it can be a prank head, or something Jason found on the side of the road in his travels)

Now, most of us might dismiss Jason as a strong retard with a knife. In fact, that's how the movie portrays him. But you can't help but admire how crafty he is here. Jason may not know how to swim, or speak, even, but he sure knows his way around a good private investigation. This guy was somehow able to track Alice down to her exact street address. He left the security of Camp Crystal Lake to venture into the suburbs to seek revenge upon the woman who offed his mother. Not only does he find her house, but he has her phone number, which he calls from a location that is within slicing distance of her kitchen. Keep in mind, this was a time before cell phones. Amidst all this, he swiftly tucks a severed head into Alice's fridge without making a peep.

Masterful.

As the credits roll, the Friday logo shoots toward us like before, but this time instead of shattering through a plate of glass, the logo EXPLODES into millions of pieces. This is followed by another brilliant Manfredini score. Oftentimes, movies like this will recycle clips from the original score. The Friday movies are too classy for that. Harry Manfredini whipped up a new number that rivals the original. This one is much more intense. Not in that EXTREME kind of way things tend to be today, but rather a faster paced, more piercing score that borrows some of the original themes, while introducing new ones that blend seamlessly.

We're back at crystal lake. A pair of wild teens called Sandra and Jeff pull into town in a pickup truck. From a distance, local nutbar and personal hero of mine, Ralph takes notice of the two kids. They hop out of the truck toward a payphone to call their buddy Ted. Not ten seconds into their phone call does Ralph pop up behind them. "I told the others," he says. "They didn't believe me. You're doomed. You're all doomed". Not knowing that they were in a sequel to a horror film, Jeff and Sandra dismissed the rantings of Ralph.

Meanwhile, Jeff's truck is being towed in the background. When they notice, both Jeff and Sandra run toward the tow truck screaming a bunch of teenager words until the truck stops beside a giggling goofy goober by the name of Ted.

Ted is the jokester of this installment. Turns out he called a friend of his to play the ol' truck towin' gag. After Ted explains this rib tickler to Sandra and Jeff, they all laugh and rub their privates.

These teens are headed to a local camp for a counselor training seminar. Also in attendance are Scott the creepy wiseass, Vicky the sensitive girl, Terry the tight shirt wearing girl who brought along her pomeranian, Muffin, and Mark the guy in the wheelchair who doesn't need your help- he can do it on his own. Alongside the counselors in training are Paul who runs the program, and Ginny, one of his assistants who he is mouthkissing on the side.

As Ginny arrives at the camp, she is having trouble with her car. She has turned it off and it won't start back up. In most movies, you would expect something like this to come into play later on, but it's such a cheap move that I'll give the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt and assume that Ginny's car trouble is a metaphor for her struggle in life.

As all of the counselors are gathered upon arrival, Paul gives a lecture about the skills they are going to learn and certain safety precautions that must be taken. Among these precautions he mentions the threat of bears and to "keep clean during your menstrual cycle". As Paul says this, Vicky nudges Terry. Either because Terry is notorious for not cleaning up after herself during "that time of the month" or that she has massive periods and should be extra cautious while in an environment surrounded by bears.

Later that night, the counselors sit by a fire as Paul tells the story of Jason. He explains that Jason's body was never found after the apparent drowning and that he could still be alive in the woods to this day, only he would be fully grown and more dangerous. As he tells this story, from out of the shadows leaps a giant shirtless character with a rubber mask and a spear. A mask was rubber enough to make all of the counselors scream for their lives. Fortunately, the culprit removes the mask revealing himself to be Ted. Awww Ted. You're such a whacky laughington.

"But seriously" Paul says with a straight face "Camp blood is off limits"

After the campfire the group heads into a cabin to cap off the night. Jeff and Mark are armwrestling. Ted is playing 'electronic pocket chess'. Pockets must have been the size of purses in the 80's.

Ginny and Paul split toward a cabin of their own where they poke each other in the teeth with their tongues. Outside of their cabin a man watches from behind a tree. Oh look, it's Crazy Ralph. He's probably waiting for them to finish making out before he warns Paul and Ginny about how they're doomed. How endearing. But wait, what's this? Jason sneaks up behind Ralph with a wire and strangles him.

Thanks, Jason. Thanks for killing the one good character besides yourself in the Friday the 13th universe. You could have just as well asked him to join your effort in ridding teens from the lakes of the world. You did NOT have to kill Crazy Ralph. Not cool.

R.I.P. Crazy Ralph.

KILL METER: 2

The following day, our beloved counselors go for a run through the forest. All that is, except for Wheelchair Mark who sits and watches from the sidelines. It's okay, though. Mark's not bitter at all about not being able to run. You can tell by the look on his face when everybody paces past him.

Somebody else is watching this race. We see the POV of Jason. Camp puppy, Muffin runs toward Jason and cocks his head. The movie cuts away. I think it's safe to assume muffin is done for.

It's lunchtime at the camp. Everyone splits for PB&J or whatever else it is teenagers do at noon. Ginny chops some firewood up with a chainsaw which we meticulously watch as she finishes and places the tool back in the work shed. Thanks, movie. Now if I ever want to work there, I'll know where everything goes.

Off in the woods, Jeff and his lady friend Sandra decide to sneak away to the prohibited "Camp Blood". Well, Sandra moreso than Jeff. Jeff just kind of wants to hang out and eat PB&J's while armwrestling with guys in wheelchairs. Sandra is pretty forceful about this whole Camp Blood situation. The look in her eyes makes you think if Jeff says no, she'll outright break up with him. Jeff obediently follows his orders out of fear of losing Sandra who is his primary source of vaginal recreation.

Gee, it's been a while since the Kill Meter has clicked. Now that a couple of teens have strayed from the pack, this would seem like the perfect opportunity. Please. Nope. A policer officer spots the kids and tells them to "Get the hell outta here. You know this place is off limits" Jason is foiled again.

I'd like to take a moment to ask- what the fuck was that cop doing there? Is there really so little do in that town that the police post themselves in non-descript sections of the forest just in case somebody wanders out of bounds. And if so, how exciting must it be if it actually happens. Those kids made that cop's day.

"How was your day at work, Honey?"

"Amazing."

"You had a good day. Wow. That's a nice change"

"Sure is. Today, I actually got to do my job"

"Well isn't that something"

"Yep. Somebody actually wandered into that one section of the forest."

"Well I'll be. Anything else happen?"

"Yeah. The local convenience store was robbed and a whole family got raped in plain daylight right in the town square"

"Well that's too bad. But at least you were there to keep those kids from walking in one part of the forest to the other."

"That's what it's all about"

As that police officer was driving down the road with the grin of his life on his face, he saw a figure run off the road into the woods. 'How much more exciting can one day get?' he thought as he slammed on his breaks and chased the figure into the woods.

The cop ran and ran and ran and ran some more until he didn't find anybody, but DID find a shack cobbled together with found items. He walked inside to find something so terrifying, the camera wouldn't turn to show us what it was. From behind the officer, Jason stepped inside and whacked him in the back of the head with the sharp end of a hammer.

Officer, you were right. Your day was so exciting, there had to be a catch.

KILL METER: 3

It's now night time at Crystal Lake. Translation: Party time. Paul offers to take the kids on a night on the town. Ginny and Ted take him up on the offer. The rest of the teens decide to stay behind. This includes Mark who says and I quote "Nothing spoils a party faster than a drunk in a wheelchair". Well Mark, that's not true. Actually, nothing spoils a party faster than guys who constantly try to bum people out by saying things like that.

Terry decides to take a stroll by the lake to look for her missing dog. After about 45 seconds of searching on foot, she decides to think outside the box by taking her clothes off and looking for muffin in the water. Creepy Scott admires this searching technique from afar.

Meanwhile, Vicky goes on a pity date with Mark while upstairs Sandra and Jeff are totally boning each other.

Back at the lake, Terry comes ashore to put her clothes back on. Creepy Scott, not being a fan of clad women, steals Terry's clothes and runs into the woods. Terry chases him until Scott's foot gets caught in a rope trap, yanking him into the air. Scott apologizes for taking her clothes, and Terry goes back to the camp to find a knife to free him.

Vicky and Mark are really hitting it off at this point. After a series of winks and nudges, Mark insinuates that his penis still works to which Vicky replies "Wanna stay together tonight?" Mark surprisingly agrees without finding a way to bum everybody out. He's really starting to show progress.

Dangling from the tree, Scott offer's Jason an effortless kill. We all deserve a break every now and then. I'm sure Jason appreciated this as he grabbed Scott by the neck and sliced his throat.

KILL METER: 4

Terry walks back to Scott's dangling corpse to free him from the tree only to find him dead. "Jiminy cripes!" she shouts (I wish) and runs toward the camera. As she looks up she sees Jason and - that's it. We'd all like to know the method of her demise, but unfortunately that isn't granted. Frustrating, I know. But since it's left up to our imagination, I would like to give you my take on Terry's death:

Terry, knife in hand, paces back to the spot where Scott was trapped. She notices his body dangling from the tree. He's not saying much. Perhaps he passed out from all the blood that rushed to his head. Terry spins him around to see his face. What she finds terrifies her beyond words. Scott's throat has been slit. The blood is drooling down his gashed neck in lines across his face and through his hair.

Knowing that this is a fresh homicide, Terry quickly deducts that the killer must be nearby. Her first instinct is to run for safety. As she turns, headed back toward the camp, her path is interrupted by a tall dark figure looming silently over her. Terry can't make out who it is as the figure's face is obscured by thick shadows.

"Jiminy Cripes!" she shouts as she tries to dart between the killer and a patch of brush. Her attempt is halted by the killer's powerful arm. He knocks her to the ground, then bends over and begins to drag her by the hair.

"Think twice, bozo-tits!" exclaims a voice overhead. The killer looks up. He confusedly squints, then realizes who it is. Standing in the trees is Jiminy Cripes, masked vigilante. Jiminy swoops down from a rope and removes his glove, which he uses to slap the killer in the face. The killer is unaffected by this and grabs Jiminy by the throat to lift him in the air. With one hand he pounds Jiminy against a tree trunk until his head is caved in like a pumpkin.

Amidst this distraction, Terry quietly tries to squirm away. The killer spots her and pounds his boot on her leg before she can get any further. He then lifts her by the arms like a ragdoll and with one quick force, tears both of her arms off which he then uses to continually bash the rest of her body until she squeaks out a tiny death rattle. Just for good measure, the killer continues to brutalize Terry with her own arms for an extra thirty seconds.

Anyway, that's my fantasized version of what the movie failed to show us.

KILL METER: 5

Now we're at the local cowboy hats and fog machine bar. Ginny, Paul and Ted are all seated on stools with a parade of empty bottles in front of them. Ginny, who has been studying child psychology, uses her profound knowledge to explain the movie's plot.

"Jason," she says, "Must be lonely. The only person who loved him was his mother. He must have witnessed her death. After she died, he would most likely pay tribute to her by continuing her killing spree"

Thank you, Ginny, for the movie's plot. You're probably the main character.

After laughing in Ginny's face, Paul decides to head back to the camp. Ginny agrees to tag along. Ted opts to stay at the bar and continue hurling zany one-liners at the large breasted bartender.

Vicky is preparing for her first sexual encounter with a wheelchair bound armwrestling enthusiast. She picks the perfect pair of panties, slides them on, and grabs a bottle of perfume to spray her cooch.

In the other cabin, Mark hears a rustling outside. Don't worry, Mark. It's probably just Jason. He wheels out onto the porch to investigate. To one side, nothing. Mark spins - oh there we are. See, I told you, Mark. It was just Jason. Mark's screams are interrupted by a machete which is lodged into his face. The force from the blow sends him backwards rolling him down the stairs and then crashing on the ground. No scented cooch for you tonight.

KILL METER: 6

Jason grabs the spear Ted used the night before at the fire. He travels upstairs where Jeff is on top of Sandra. They're both wiggling around and making strange noises. Jason thinks they are injured, so he puts Jeff and Sandra out of their misery by skewering them both onto the bed with his new spear. DOUBLE KILL.

KILL METER: 8

Vicky walks into the main cabin looking for Mark. She kind find him anywhere on the first floor. Confused, she decides to walk upstairs. Upstairs? Vicky, I don't think you're gonna find Mark UPSTAIRS. She opens a door to find the Sandra and Jeff corpses sprawled out on the floor. Jason is laying on the bed. I guess taking a post kill nap. He jumps out of bed, and for the first time we see his full form. Before this point they would show a hand or a foot. Mostly his POV. But now we can finally see Jason. This marks his first appearance on film. Of course, as mentioned before, he does not have a hockey mask. Instead his head is bound in a cloth bag with one eyehole opening. It may not be the hockey mask, but it's still pretty cool. Definitely disturbing.

Jason moves toward Vicky and slaps her in middle of the face with the sharp end of a butchers knife.

KILL METER: 9

Outside, Paul and Ginny arrive in her VW Bug. They notice all of the lights are on in the main cabin. Paul's inner cheap bastard doesn't take kindly to this. They walk into the cabin to bitch people out, but they can't find a soul. Upsatirs, Paul walks into the murder room, but there isn't a body in sight. He does, however, find a bed covered in bloody sheets. I'm sure he was thinking "Great. Now we're gonna have bears everywhere".

Paul and Ginny go back downstairs where Jason lunges out of a dark corner toward Paul. They get into a tussle on the floor, but only Jason stands back up. Ginny, without enough time to shout "I told you so", runs for her life.

Ginny grabs a knife from the kitchen and locks herself in the bathroom. She opens the closet to hide inside, but is startled by the dead body of Crazy Ralph which falls out and flops onto the ground. If this were any of the counselors, I wouldn't have given a fuck. I may have even giggled a bit. But seeing the dead body of Crazy Ralph hit a nerve. The man spent so much time telling other people they were doomed that he forgot to warn himself. The poor bastard didn't deserve what he got. And on top of that, he didn't even receive a proper burial.

A pitchfork smashes through the bathroom door. Ginny squeezes out of the small window in the bathroom. She runs inside her car aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd - it doesn't start. Well color me fucked. I didn't see that one coming. And if you did, well you can go fuck yourself, professor.

Jason's pitchfork blasts through the roof of Ginny's car. Jason then makes a move for the car door. Before his hand can get to it, Ginny kicks the door open herself knocking Jason to the ground.

Ginny makes a run for the closest cabin and hides under a bed. Jason walks in and looks around. Ginny tries to stay quiet while a small rat moves toward her face. From outside of bed, you can make out a piss puddle. Here's an important lesson while hiding from a killer under a bed. Don't piss all over the place because piss puddles are a surefire way of getting yourself caught.

Jason pretends to leave, but he's really standing on a chair. Ginny rolls out from under the bed. Jason moves his hands upward for pitchfork leverage, but Ginny kicks the chair out from under him sending Jason flat on his ass. It is in the same cabin that, if you're keeping up with foreshadowing, Ginny put away a chainsaw. She pulls it out of the closet and turns it on. Jason stands back up, but falls again once she comes at him with the saw. The chainsaw malfunctions and shuts down, which I found hard to believe because the movie didn't expressly point out earlier in the movie, that this chainsaw wasn't in perfect working order.

Ginny books it for the woods. As she is running away, she spots a homely old shack. She decides to take a detour from running for her life to check out this quaint little building. Inside she notices a pile of dead bodies that happen to belong to her friends and an altar to Mrs. Voorhees containing her head with a sweater placed in front of it surrounded by an assload of candles.

In walks Jason. But Ginny has a plan. If you know anything about child psychology, then you know if somebody tries to kill you in honor of his mother, to put on his dead mother's sweater and pretend to be her. It's pretty basic stuff. So Ginny grabs a machete (in a Friday movie, there's always a spare machete laying around) and proceeds to scold Jason. She tells him to kneel down and just as Ginny is about to whack Jason in the neck, Jason sees his real mother's head rotting by the altar. Jason stands back up, but before he is able to to anything, Paul arrives on the scene and tackles Jason to the floor.

Ginny takes advantage of this to swipe Jason in the shoulder with the machete. It sticks in there pretty good. Jason falls face first to the ground. Paul and Ginny brush themselves off and leave Jason along with all of their friends corpses for somebody else to clean up.

In the main cabin, Paul and Ginny rejoice and cuddle. But wait. There is a scraping noise at the door. They both grab a weapon and creep slowly toward the sound. The scraping grows louder until the door creeks open. Down below, Muffin the dog that we all thought died comes prancing in. Yaaaay, Muffin. Then JASON BURSTS IN THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW! Yaaaay, Jason.

This time he's got no sack over his face. He could easily be mistaken for Sloth from the Goonies. The machete is still lodged in his shoulder. He grabs a hold of Ginny and then -

It cuts to the next morning.

What the fuck? Why do these movies keep doing this? Whenever there's a really cool part, the movie decides to skip over it and jump to something you don't care about.

Now we're outside of the cabin. It's morning. The sun is shining through the trees. An ambulance is parked on the road. Ginny's on a stretcher. She looks up to one of the EMT's and asks "Where's Paul? Where's Paul?" The camera zooms in on her head and

- ROLL CREDITS

KILL METER: 9?

For the sake of fuck almighty, what was going on in the filmmakers' heads? Did they really think that was scary? Or are they the real monster for making a movie that is ambiguous and frustrating. As a viewer, the most exciting part is being able to see Jason without his mask on because it was being built up for the entire fucking movie. Then when it finally comes to fruition- what could have been the best scene in the entire movie - they just cut away and kind of hint at what happened which was- Jason smashes through the window, Paul is killed and then what? Jason just looks at Ginny, who desecrated his mother's altar, and calls it a day? What the fuck, people.

Just as in the first movie, I have to give this one credit for giving us Jason and establishing his slashing formula and creative killing techniques. Overall, the "plot" of each of the Friday films is nothing to admire. What's to be appreciated are the small moments like the gore and makeup effects. Yet, this movie tended to sidetrack and avoid those moments we enjoy most. Although there were some fun parts, this movie is overall sloppy. I don't think the filmmakers understood what they had. I think they felt as though they had a clever story to tell, so they tried to stick with that while giving us a mysterious ending. It just didn't work.

Fortunately, Steve Miner, the director of these first two Fridays is gone for the next six installments. Friday the 13th Part 3 and up are when the series really comes into frution. The filmmakers stick to the formula that works and clutch onto it for dear life.

Stay Tuned for "Friday the 13th Part 3-D"

Friday the 13th Part 1

And so it begins. The first installment in the Friday the 13th franchise, which I will from now on refer to as 'Friday'. Before I start, it's important to note that Jason himself is not directly involved with this movie. If you're looking to watch a movie with a big creepy machete wielding killer in a hockey mask, this is not for you. Most people who watch Friday the 13th part one don't understand the 3-movie-long evolution it took to create the icon that is Jason. They think they're opening a box of donuts only to find a pile of condoms. There are no donuts here, but in keeping with my analogy - if a pile of condoms is what you're up for, then you will be pleasantly entertained.

The movie opens at Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. A group of clean cut councilors sit by a fire place to share a late night koombayah session. This is played off in a really campy, sarcastic tone. I found it interesting that filmmakers from the 80's would have the gall to mock somebody for their fashion and music choices. It's like watching a retarded kid make fun of a retarded kid for being retarded.

Two of the koombayah councilors - one boy, one girl - sneak off to a different cabin because they could no longer restrain their religious campfire music induced horniness. As they attempt to discover what each others genitals feel like, they are interrupted by the POV of a very upset individual. The two councilors proceed to apologize. The onlooker answers with a knife to their stomachs.

KILL METER: 2

Cue the music as The Friday logo smashes through the screen. Literally. As the logo zoomed in, it pushed through a plate of glass which shattered to the ground. This must have been really cool to watch from your car window at a drive in theater, which I'm assuming was the core audience when this movie was made.

Harry Manfredini's full orchestra scores for the Friday movies are often overlooked and under-appreciated. These movies are fun to watch, but generally lacking in skill when it comes to most departments i.e. acting, writing, direction. However, if there's one genuinely artistic consistency that can be attributed to the Friday series, it is most definitely in the music. I don't care how pretentious that sounds, it's true. I think the filmmakers felt that way as well because most Friday movies open with at least a 4 minute credit sequence allowing you to indulge in the great score.



We jump to present day, which no longer applies, as present day then was 28 years ago today. A backpacker named Annie walks into a small town diner and asks how to find Camp Crystal Lake. From the utter silence this question brought to the room, she may as well have said "Large Marge sent me". Eventually one kind truck driver with the hope that Annie returns favors with her mouth, offered a ride.

As they are about to hop into the truck, my favorite character from any of the Fridays (yes, he even trumps Jason) interrupts. Ralph, the town crazy, shouts "Don't go there! It's got a death curse!" What makes Ralph so awesome, other than his encyclopedic knowledge of what is and isn't cursed, is the fact that he's well into his 60's and all he does all day is ride his bike around town in a Pinocchio hat shouting at people. And nobody does anything about it. When it comes to retirement, Ralph is in an ideal position.

Annie is headed to Camp Crystal Lake because a shirtless man named Steve employed her along with a small group of teenagers to renovate the camp and re-open it after a 22-year hiatus much to the dismay of concerned citizens such as Ralph and the local ornery waffle waitress.

Aside from Annie this group of young, hard workin' teens consists of Kevin Bacon as himself, Marcy the tom boy, Bill the everyman, Brenda the wild girl (slut), Ned the zany jokester, and Alice the loner (who we later come to learn, through allotted screen time, is the main character).

Annie unfortunately never makes it to the camp. The truck driver, listed on imdb as "Enos the truck driver", stops his truck at the beginning of the road that leads to Camp Crystal Lake. Though it wasn't on the DVD, I imagine a deleted scene where Enos pulls over not because Annie wouldn't give him head, but because Annie did a horrible job at it. Maybe there was something about her past that lead to her bad BJ skills, or maybe she was too tired from the long trek. We'll never know because this movie had awful character development.

We find Annie hitching along the final road to her destination. She is picked up by a stranger in a jeep. We never get to see this strangers face because the entire scene is shot from their POV. UH-OH. Annie goes on about how she wants to work with children someday while the jeep speeds past her destination. "What a minute, isn't that the camp!?" She shouts. The driver says nothing, and speeds up. Annie jumps out of the moving vehicle and is chased through the woods. The killer eventually catches up and slits her throat.

KILL METER: 3

It can be argued that the person who killed Annie may have not been the same person responsible for all the other deaths in the movie because it would have made perfect sense for anybody to have wanted Annie dead after listening to her drone on about children for more than 30 seconds. We may never know who actually killed her.

Back at the camp, the teens are taking a dip in the lake. You may wonder why the fuck they're not doing any work, but you're gonna have to get over it, old man. These teens play by their own rules. At one point, Ned screams for help and drifts underwater. As the viewer this is a hilarious moment because as we all know, Ned is a zany jokester. When they pull Ned out of the water after shouting "Watch his neck!" about 10 times, one of the girls attempts mouth to mouth at which point Ned Goes in for the kill. LITERALLY. He snaps the girls neck. Ned, you're so zonkers. No, Ned doesn't kill anybody. But he does take advantage of the moment to make out with his rescuer. Once everybody realizes Ned is fine, they all have a hearty American laugh.

Later, while the teens are back at work, Brenda finds a snake in one of the cabins. She shouts for help and immediately every single character runs into her cabin. Bill grabs a machete and chops the snake in two.

KILL METER: 4

What's cool about the snake death is that they used a real fucking snake. Even though the legendary Tom Savini, who was responsible for all of the film's effects, could very well have made a realistic-looking snake, they opted to kill a real one onscreen. And that is THE BALLS.

After the brutally concluded snake debacle, Alice moves to the kitchen where she opens the pantry door to find, of all people, RALPH! Now you gotta hand it to this guy. He could have been waiting in there for days before somebody found him, yet he had the courage of his convictions to sit and wait. And man did it pay off. Alice screamed at the top of her lungs. Ralph proceeded to go off on one of his classic rants. "You're doomed!" he proclaimed pointing at Alice as he backed out of the kitchen into the woods, "You're all doomed". He then hopped onto his bike and continued "Doomed, I say. Dooooooomed. Dooooooooooomed" As he rides away into the distance, the camera awkwardly lingers on Ralph until he is completely out of the shot. Making it the best shot in the entire movie. This is the end of Ralph for this Friday, but don't worry. He shows up in later installments of the franchise.



Night is starting to fall on Camp Crystal Lake, or "Camp Blood" as Ralph calls it. Also, just for atmosphere, the weather gods decided to send a storm their way. Whacky Ned spots a mysterious figure walking into one of the cabins. He follows in, asking "Can I help you" and curiously, we don't see what happens next. Christ's shit, I hope Ned doesn't get hurt. Without his antics, this place would be boresville.

Most of the other teens pile into the same cabin to y'know hang and whatever, except for Kevin Bacon and Marcy who sneak off to their own cabin for a game of 'find the vagina'. Kevin Bacon wins.

After their fuck-making session, Marcy rolls off of Kevin Bacon to go to the outhouse and repent. Kevin Bacon grins and lights a marijuana cigarette. The camera pans up from Kevin Bacon to the top bunk where Ned is laying in a pool of blood either dead, or playing a really fucked up prank that no one else can see.

KILL METER: 5

Back to Kevin Bacon. He takes another toke from his hash doobie and SPLIFF! A knife juts from under the bed through Kevin Bacon's throat. This is a great Tom Savini makeup effect, and among the fans, this is probably the most popular kill in the first Friday.

KILL METER: 6



Now we're rolling. It took a while, but the corpses are beginning to pile up. In the outhouse, Marcy is checking herself out in the mirror. I would too, if I had just had sex with Kevin Bacon. Watching her from a corner of the room, the killer decides to step out and give Marcy another reflective surface upon which to admire her own looks, RIGHT IN THE CHEST. THWACK! An axe swings into her body.

KILL METER: 7

If you've been counting, there are only 3 campers left. This, of course isn't including Steve, the shirtless employer, because he is inexplicably non-present throughout most of the movie. We later learn that he was out on the town eating pie.

Brenda, Alice and Bill have been in a cabin of their own playing Strip monopoly and smoking drugs. A perfectly teenagerly activity in the early 80's. Soon they will die.

As the monopoly game wraps up, Brenda decides to go to the outhouse to tidy up (gloss her muffin). On her way there, she finds herself standing directly in front of an archery target. I don't blame Brenda for this, and neither should you. She wasn't aware she was in a movie. If she knew, I'm sure she would have had a fighting chance to avoid an arrow to the tatty. Nonetheless, it was inevitable.

KILL METER: 8

Stuffed with local pie, shirtless Steve, sporting a raincoat to keep his permed chest hairs safe from the storm, moseys toward the camp entrance. He is stopped by the POV killer. He smiles, as though he recognizes the figure and says "What are you doing out here?" Bad move, Steve. You should have never asked such a selfish question. SHARP OBJECT TO THE BELLY!

KILL METER: 9

All that we have left are Alice and Bill. Finally hip to everybody's absence, these two teen detectives search for their fellow campers. Of course they split up. As Bill is inexplicably toying with the generator (because every good horror movie has a generator) the POV slasher sneaks up behind him. We don't see what happens, but we can assume they didn't have tea together.

Meanwhile, Alice has hit the jackpot. She's stumbled upon all of her friends bodies in their various states of impalement and decapitation. After screaming at the bodies, which I found to be rather rude, she runs toward the generator to find Bill. There she finds him posted like a note to the door with arrows.

KILL METER: 10

Now alone, Alice is especially annoying. Luckily a car pulls up, and an unsuspicious, kindly old woman steps out. She introduces herself as Mrs. Voorhees. Alice tries to explain what has happened. Curiously, Mrs. Voorhees is rather calm. Wait a minute- could she be?...nah. No way.

Mrs. Voorhees proceeds to explain to Alice that nobody should have tried to revive Camp Crystal lake. And how everybody has paid the consequences. In talking, she refers to the killer in first person. I assumed this was an error in speech. However, through deduction, Alice determined that Mrs. Voorhees was the killer.

What a twist.

Mrs. Voorhees then explains the movie to Alice. Turns out, back in the late 50's, her son Jason used to attend this camp. He was out swimming one day when the councilors on duty failed to pay attention due to a distracting mishap in which their genitals became intertwined. This of course led to Jason's unfortunate drowning. When we flash back to Jason's drowning, you can't help but notice, he's a bald misshapen mongoloid child. Was Camp Crystal Lake a camp for special kids? Or was Jason an exception? The movie fails to answer this question. The movie also fails to answer why Mrs. Voorhees chose to explain her point by point motive in rich detail to Alice, while silently killing all of the other teens.

Of course, a murderous chase ensues. Though reasonably successful at murdering 9 other people with little effort, Mrs. Voorhees seems to be having trouble with this Alice character. The chase leads to the kitchen where Alice catches Mrs. Voorhees off guard and thwomps her in the head with a frying pan rendering her unconscious. Instead of going for help, Alice decides to take a breather out by the canoes. It's reasonable. She's had a rough night. She deserves her rest.

OH FUCK HERE COMES MRS VOORHEES AGAIN! They tussle by the lakeside until Mrs Voorhees knocks Alice to the ground. Alice grabs the emergency machete placed near the shore, and charges toward Mrs. Voorhees. In glorious slow motion, we witness the decapitation of the murderous old woman responsible for the life of Kevin Bacon. The head whips around in the air in several beautiful rotations.

KILL METER: 11 (This is the final kill, contrary to the original trailer which claims 13 victims )



Alice, desperate for rest, takes a seat in a canoe, drifting into the lake without an oar. Finally, she can nap.

The next morning, Alice awakens in the middle of the lake. The sun is glistening off the water's ripples as the musical score has changed in tone to cheerful. Then, in the film's most inspired moment, a rotted version of mongoloid Jason leaps from the lake, pulling Alice under.

If the movie ended here, it would have gone down as one of the best endings in horror film history, right alongside Sleepaway Camp. But no. That's not how the movie finished. The Jason scene is followed by Alice waking up in the hospital after a nightmare. A police officer explains to her that all of her friends are dead, and she stares blankly, then says "What about little Jason? He's still alive" Roll credits.

What the fuck? Did we really have to leave on that note? What does that even mean? The movie would have been far cooler if mongoloid zombie fishfood Jason leaping out of the water was the capper. Or, a more realistic ending would have Alice leaving the camp in handcuffs after weakly explaining how a little old lady killed all of those people.



There you have it. That's the first Friday. To be honest, the movie is forgettable overall. The only reason people still talk about it and watch it to this day is because it was the spark that ignited a famous horror franchise, and because it was one of Kevin Bacon's first movie roles. If there was never a sequel to this movie, and Kevin Bacon died of a coke overdose before becoming famous, this movie would not have stood up this far. The only people who would talk about it would be elite horror buffs. "Oh you've never seen Friday the 13th? Come back to me when you actually know something about horror films. I'm a douche".

However, because this is the movie that birthed Jason, it has to be given all due respect. Kind of like Evel Knievel's mother. Nobody that I know would enjoy watching her do old lady shit, but she has to be treated with high honors for creating one of the coolest people to have lived.

Stay tuned for Friday the 13th part 2.

AWARDS

Best Surviving Character: Crazy Ralph. I would watch a movie just about him.

Best Fashion Statement: Suspenders with no T shirt - Bill

Best Line: "You're all doomed" - Crazy Ralph

Best Death: The Snake. Hand's down.

Best Victim: Mrs. Voorhees. Betsy Palmer's performance was impressive. This could have been because she was the only good actor in the whole movie.

A legacy of horror

I'm a big fan of horror movie icons. Chucky, Freddy, Leatherface, Michael Myers, JASON. They're all heroes of mine and are a big part of my childhood. As a child, I was constantly seeking out every film these monsters starred in. They were my Frankenstein, Dracula or Wolfman.

As early as 8 years old, I was fluent in slasher cinema. Many people might question my upbringing. What kind of parents would let their children watch such violent movies? We had free HBO, and my parents weren't fags about it. I don't know what else to say. One day, some scruffy looking guy came into our house, clipped a few wires in the back of our cable box and my dad gave him five bucks. After that moment, I had access to all of the classics that formed my childhood.

Let's face it. There are certain R rated movies that were meant for children. This list includes, but is not limited to - Anything by Jackie Chan, Robocop, Terminator 2, Aliens, Predator, Rambo, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Total Recall, and most of the horror films made in the late 80's into the early 90's. Pretty much if the movie was accompanied by merchandising geared toward adolescents, then it was meant for kids regardless of the rating. Most of the movies I listed were spun off into action figures and, more importantly, video games.

My gateway to the Jason franchise was via the Friday the 13th NES game. One day a friend brought it over. We didn't know what the fuck we were supposed to do to beat it, but man were we scared shitless every time we walked into a cabin and Jason popped up at us. It was the first scary video game I had ever played, and I loved it. I loved cringing as I walked into each cabin, not sure what would be around the corner. It was like when somebody stretched out a rubber band and pointed it toward you. The longer they held it, the more you anticipated the snapping pain, the scarier it got. It was exciting. So you could imagine my reaction when my friend told me this was based on a movie. "WHAT!? You mean, like the Ninja Turtles Movie?"
"Yeah, like the ninja turtles"
Except I don't remember Splinter ever beating a teenager's head in with a rock.

Friday the 13th was the first horror series I watched. Having seen any of the Jason movies was like a status symbol in elementary school. You may have had dry snot caked under your nose and crayon stains all over your sweat pants, but if you saw a "Jason Movie" you were the man. Luckily for me, our stolen HBO signal streamed Friday the 13th marathons weekly.

Jason was my annual Halloween costume for at least 3 years. My budget conscious parents were big fans of the 3 dollar mask and plastic machete. I've since come to despise the cheap plastic hockey masks they sell for a dime a dozen at every wal-mart, but as a 10 year old, I couldn't have been more excited.

Having been my first monster crush, I have quite a soft spot for Jason. It is standard tradition for me to watch a Friday the 13th whenever said date falls on the calendar. On top of that, I watch the entire series every October.

As October is fast approaching, I thought it would be a good idea to use this blog to post a series of Friday the 13th reviews. Once every other day, I will watch the Friday the 13th movies in order and write a subsequent review.

Now, as you know, Jason has spun off into other series, so I have to place a set of guidelines for which movies will be reviewed.

-First and foremost, "Freddy Vs. Jason" is out of the game, as it is not a Freddy, or a Jason movie. It's a novelty, "what if" type of movie that barely ranks into the horror or slasher genre.

-No "Jason X". The abomination it is. The big mistake they made here was getting rid of the classic Jason costume. Putting a horror icon in space is the sitcom equivalent to jumping a shark. Jason X isn't really a "Friday the 13th movie" anyway. It was made when New Line bought the rights to the character but not the title. That type of cheap legal manipulation doesn't settle around here.

-"Jason Goes to Hell" is the first movie that used cheap legal tricks to make a Jason movie by avoiding the "Friday the 13th" label. The biggest sin committed in this one was the utter lack of Jason Vorhees. He shows up at the beginning for 5 mins and the end for 5 mins. The rest of the movie is a bunch of people being "possessed" by Jason through spitting some worm thing into each victim's throat. I can't begin to express how lame it is to make a Jason movie without Jason. There's only one offender worse than this in the horror genre. (See- Halloween 3)

Other than those 3, all "Friday the 13th" movies will be reviewed. That gives us eight golden movie nuggets to be revisited. This should be fun. I'm looking forward to all of the exposed, stoned and decapitated teenagers that are to come.