Friday the 13th Part 1

And so it begins. The first installment in the Friday the 13th franchise, which I will from now on refer to as 'Friday'. Before I start, it's important to note that Jason himself is not directly involved with this movie. If you're looking to watch a movie with a big creepy machete wielding killer in a hockey mask, this is not for you. Most people who watch Friday the 13th part one don't understand the 3-movie-long evolution it took to create the icon that is Jason. They think they're opening a box of donuts only to find a pile of condoms. There are no donuts here, but in keeping with my analogy - if a pile of condoms is what you're up for, then you will be pleasantly entertained.

The movie opens at Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. A group of clean cut councilors sit by a fire place to share a late night koombayah session. This is played off in a really campy, sarcastic tone. I found it interesting that filmmakers from the 80's would have the gall to mock somebody for their fashion and music choices. It's like watching a retarded kid make fun of a retarded kid for being retarded.

Two of the koombayah councilors - one boy, one girl - sneak off to a different cabin because they could no longer restrain their religious campfire music induced horniness. As they attempt to discover what each others genitals feel like, they are interrupted by the POV of a very upset individual. The two councilors proceed to apologize. The onlooker answers with a knife to their stomachs.

KILL METER: 2

Cue the music as The Friday logo smashes through the screen. Literally. As the logo zoomed in, it pushed through a plate of glass which shattered to the ground. This must have been really cool to watch from your car window at a drive in theater, which I'm assuming was the core audience when this movie was made.

Harry Manfredini's full orchestra scores for the Friday movies are often overlooked and under-appreciated. These movies are fun to watch, but generally lacking in skill when it comes to most departments i.e. acting, writing, direction. However, if there's one genuinely artistic consistency that can be attributed to the Friday series, it is most definitely in the music. I don't care how pretentious that sounds, it's true. I think the filmmakers felt that way as well because most Friday movies open with at least a 4 minute credit sequence allowing you to indulge in the great score.



We jump to present day, which no longer applies, as present day then was 28 years ago today. A backpacker named Annie walks into a small town diner and asks how to find Camp Crystal Lake. From the utter silence this question brought to the room, she may as well have said "Large Marge sent me". Eventually one kind truck driver with the hope that Annie returns favors with her mouth, offered a ride.

As they are about to hop into the truck, my favorite character from any of the Fridays (yes, he even trumps Jason) interrupts. Ralph, the town crazy, shouts "Don't go there! It's got a death curse!" What makes Ralph so awesome, other than his encyclopedic knowledge of what is and isn't cursed, is the fact that he's well into his 60's and all he does all day is ride his bike around town in a Pinocchio hat shouting at people. And nobody does anything about it. When it comes to retirement, Ralph is in an ideal position.

Annie is headed to Camp Crystal Lake because a shirtless man named Steve employed her along with a small group of teenagers to renovate the camp and re-open it after a 22-year hiatus much to the dismay of concerned citizens such as Ralph and the local ornery waffle waitress.

Aside from Annie this group of young, hard workin' teens consists of Kevin Bacon as himself, Marcy the tom boy, Bill the everyman, Brenda the wild girl (slut), Ned the zany jokester, and Alice the loner (who we later come to learn, through allotted screen time, is the main character).

Annie unfortunately never makes it to the camp. The truck driver, listed on imdb as "Enos the truck driver", stops his truck at the beginning of the road that leads to Camp Crystal Lake. Though it wasn't on the DVD, I imagine a deleted scene where Enos pulls over not because Annie wouldn't give him head, but because Annie did a horrible job at it. Maybe there was something about her past that lead to her bad BJ skills, or maybe she was too tired from the long trek. We'll never know because this movie had awful character development.

We find Annie hitching along the final road to her destination. She is picked up by a stranger in a jeep. We never get to see this strangers face because the entire scene is shot from their POV. UH-OH. Annie goes on about how she wants to work with children someday while the jeep speeds past her destination. "What a minute, isn't that the camp!?" She shouts. The driver says nothing, and speeds up. Annie jumps out of the moving vehicle and is chased through the woods. The killer eventually catches up and slits her throat.

KILL METER: 3

It can be argued that the person who killed Annie may have not been the same person responsible for all the other deaths in the movie because it would have made perfect sense for anybody to have wanted Annie dead after listening to her drone on about children for more than 30 seconds. We may never know who actually killed her.

Back at the camp, the teens are taking a dip in the lake. You may wonder why the fuck they're not doing any work, but you're gonna have to get over it, old man. These teens play by their own rules. At one point, Ned screams for help and drifts underwater. As the viewer this is a hilarious moment because as we all know, Ned is a zany jokester. When they pull Ned out of the water after shouting "Watch his neck!" about 10 times, one of the girls attempts mouth to mouth at which point Ned Goes in for the kill. LITERALLY. He snaps the girls neck. Ned, you're so zonkers. No, Ned doesn't kill anybody. But he does take advantage of the moment to make out with his rescuer. Once everybody realizes Ned is fine, they all have a hearty American laugh.

Later, while the teens are back at work, Brenda finds a snake in one of the cabins. She shouts for help and immediately every single character runs into her cabin. Bill grabs a machete and chops the snake in two.

KILL METER: 4

What's cool about the snake death is that they used a real fucking snake. Even though the legendary Tom Savini, who was responsible for all of the film's effects, could very well have made a realistic-looking snake, they opted to kill a real one onscreen. And that is THE BALLS.

After the brutally concluded snake debacle, Alice moves to the kitchen where she opens the pantry door to find, of all people, RALPH! Now you gotta hand it to this guy. He could have been waiting in there for days before somebody found him, yet he had the courage of his convictions to sit and wait. And man did it pay off. Alice screamed at the top of her lungs. Ralph proceeded to go off on one of his classic rants. "You're doomed!" he proclaimed pointing at Alice as he backed out of the kitchen into the woods, "You're all doomed". He then hopped onto his bike and continued "Doomed, I say. Dooooooomed. Dooooooooooomed" As he rides away into the distance, the camera awkwardly lingers on Ralph until he is completely out of the shot. Making it the best shot in the entire movie. This is the end of Ralph for this Friday, but don't worry. He shows up in later installments of the franchise.



Night is starting to fall on Camp Crystal Lake, or "Camp Blood" as Ralph calls it. Also, just for atmosphere, the weather gods decided to send a storm their way. Whacky Ned spots a mysterious figure walking into one of the cabins. He follows in, asking "Can I help you" and curiously, we don't see what happens next. Christ's shit, I hope Ned doesn't get hurt. Without his antics, this place would be boresville.

Most of the other teens pile into the same cabin to y'know hang and whatever, except for Kevin Bacon and Marcy who sneak off to their own cabin for a game of 'find the vagina'. Kevin Bacon wins.

After their fuck-making session, Marcy rolls off of Kevin Bacon to go to the outhouse and repent. Kevin Bacon grins and lights a marijuana cigarette. The camera pans up from Kevin Bacon to the top bunk where Ned is laying in a pool of blood either dead, or playing a really fucked up prank that no one else can see.

KILL METER: 5

Back to Kevin Bacon. He takes another toke from his hash doobie and SPLIFF! A knife juts from under the bed through Kevin Bacon's throat. This is a great Tom Savini makeup effect, and among the fans, this is probably the most popular kill in the first Friday.

KILL METER: 6



Now we're rolling. It took a while, but the corpses are beginning to pile up. In the outhouse, Marcy is checking herself out in the mirror. I would too, if I had just had sex with Kevin Bacon. Watching her from a corner of the room, the killer decides to step out and give Marcy another reflective surface upon which to admire her own looks, RIGHT IN THE CHEST. THWACK! An axe swings into her body.

KILL METER: 7

If you've been counting, there are only 3 campers left. This, of course isn't including Steve, the shirtless employer, because he is inexplicably non-present throughout most of the movie. We later learn that he was out on the town eating pie.

Brenda, Alice and Bill have been in a cabin of their own playing Strip monopoly and smoking drugs. A perfectly teenagerly activity in the early 80's. Soon they will die.

As the monopoly game wraps up, Brenda decides to go to the outhouse to tidy up (gloss her muffin). On her way there, she finds herself standing directly in front of an archery target. I don't blame Brenda for this, and neither should you. She wasn't aware she was in a movie. If she knew, I'm sure she would have had a fighting chance to avoid an arrow to the tatty. Nonetheless, it was inevitable.

KILL METER: 8

Stuffed with local pie, shirtless Steve, sporting a raincoat to keep his permed chest hairs safe from the storm, moseys toward the camp entrance. He is stopped by the POV killer. He smiles, as though he recognizes the figure and says "What are you doing out here?" Bad move, Steve. You should have never asked such a selfish question. SHARP OBJECT TO THE BELLY!

KILL METER: 9

All that we have left are Alice and Bill. Finally hip to everybody's absence, these two teen detectives search for their fellow campers. Of course they split up. As Bill is inexplicably toying with the generator (because every good horror movie has a generator) the POV slasher sneaks up behind him. We don't see what happens, but we can assume they didn't have tea together.

Meanwhile, Alice has hit the jackpot. She's stumbled upon all of her friends bodies in their various states of impalement and decapitation. After screaming at the bodies, which I found to be rather rude, she runs toward the generator to find Bill. There she finds him posted like a note to the door with arrows.

KILL METER: 10

Now alone, Alice is especially annoying. Luckily a car pulls up, and an unsuspicious, kindly old woman steps out. She introduces herself as Mrs. Voorhees. Alice tries to explain what has happened. Curiously, Mrs. Voorhees is rather calm. Wait a minute- could she be?...nah. No way.

Mrs. Voorhees proceeds to explain to Alice that nobody should have tried to revive Camp Crystal lake. And how everybody has paid the consequences. In talking, she refers to the killer in first person. I assumed this was an error in speech. However, through deduction, Alice determined that Mrs. Voorhees was the killer.

What a twist.

Mrs. Voorhees then explains the movie to Alice. Turns out, back in the late 50's, her son Jason used to attend this camp. He was out swimming one day when the councilors on duty failed to pay attention due to a distracting mishap in which their genitals became intertwined. This of course led to Jason's unfortunate drowning. When we flash back to Jason's drowning, you can't help but notice, he's a bald misshapen mongoloid child. Was Camp Crystal Lake a camp for special kids? Or was Jason an exception? The movie fails to answer this question. The movie also fails to answer why Mrs. Voorhees chose to explain her point by point motive in rich detail to Alice, while silently killing all of the other teens.

Of course, a murderous chase ensues. Though reasonably successful at murdering 9 other people with little effort, Mrs. Voorhees seems to be having trouble with this Alice character. The chase leads to the kitchen where Alice catches Mrs. Voorhees off guard and thwomps her in the head with a frying pan rendering her unconscious. Instead of going for help, Alice decides to take a breather out by the canoes. It's reasonable. She's had a rough night. She deserves her rest.

OH FUCK HERE COMES MRS VOORHEES AGAIN! They tussle by the lakeside until Mrs Voorhees knocks Alice to the ground. Alice grabs the emergency machete placed near the shore, and charges toward Mrs. Voorhees. In glorious slow motion, we witness the decapitation of the murderous old woman responsible for the life of Kevin Bacon. The head whips around in the air in several beautiful rotations.

KILL METER: 11 (This is the final kill, contrary to the original trailer which claims 13 victims )



Alice, desperate for rest, takes a seat in a canoe, drifting into the lake without an oar. Finally, she can nap.

The next morning, Alice awakens in the middle of the lake. The sun is glistening off the water's ripples as the musical score has changed in tone to cheerful. Then, in the film's most inspired moment, a rotted version of mongoloid Jason leaps from the lake, pulling Alice under.

If the movie ended here, it would have gone down as one of the best endings in horror film history, right alongside Sleepaway Camp. But no. That's not how the movie finished. The Jason scene is followed by Alice waking up in the hospital after a nightmare. A police officer explains to her that all of her friends are dead, and she stares blankly, then says "What about little Jason? He's still alive" Roll credits.

What the fuck? Did we really have to leave on that note? What does that even mean? The movie would have been far cooler if mongoloid zombie fishfood Jason leaping out of the water was the capper. Or, a more realistic ending would have Alice leaving the camp in handcuffs after weakly explaining how a little old lady killed all of those people.



There you have it. That's the first Friday. To be honest, the movie is forgettable overall. The only reason people still talk about it and watch it to this day is because it was the spark that ignited a famous horror franchise, and because it was one of Kevin Bacon's first movie roles. If there was never a sequel to this movie, and Kevin Bacon died of a coke overdose before becoming famous, this movie would not have stood up this far. The only people who would talk about it would be elite horror buffs. "Oh you've never seen Friday the 13th? Come back to me when you actually know something about horror films. I'm a douche".

However, because this is the movie that birthed Jason, it has to be given all due respect. Kind of like Evel Knievel's mother. Nobody that I know would enjoy watching her do old lady shit, but she has to be treated with high honors for creating one of the coolest people to have lived.

Stay tuned for Friday the 13th part 2.

AWARDS

Best Surviving Character: Crazy Ralph. I would watch a movie just about him.

Best Fashion Statement: Suspenders with no T shirt - Bill

Best Line: "You're all doomed" - Crazy Ralph

Best Death: The Snake. Hand's down.

Best Victim: Mrs. Voorhees. Betsy Palmer's performance was impressive. This could have been because she was the only good actor in the whole movie.