In Defense of Pirates

Let me begin with expressing my disinterest and nigh hatred for the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Curse of the Black Pearl:

I was excited to see a big pirate movie. There hadn't been a pirate movie in a long time, it was a dead genre. And to my knowledge there had never been a pirate movie made on this large a scale. This was a big deal and Johnny Depp's character looked awesome.

Then I walked out of the theater. So Johnny Depp was okay ... but ... who the fuck is Orlando Blumpkin and Skinny Tits? Why did they take up so much screen time? I hated them. I wanted more Johnny Depp. There was hardly ANY pirate stuff in this movie. I wanted pirate stuff. I am severely disappointed.

Dead Man's Chest:

Hmmm, a sequel? Well I guess it's just gonna be Johnny Depp the whole time because Fuck Face and Skinny Tits' story has already been told and they were sent on their merry way. Well, with them out of the way the movie HAS to be better.

Then I stumbled out of the theater. WHY THE FUCK WERE SKINNY TITS AND FUCKERNUTTER STILL IN THE MOVIE!?? It was so fucking long, nothing happened, I was confused the whole time. Johnny Depp was okay, but the story didn't end, they just left you on a cliffhanger and answered the question they left you with at the end. Yes, Johnny Depp died, but don't worry we'll bring him back to life. AND THERE WASN'T ENOUGH PIRATE STUFF!

At Worlds End:

Are SKELETON NIPS AND FUCKLEBERRY HOUND in it? Yes? No need to watch it.

So that's my summarized history with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. By no way am I a cheerleader for the franchise. You'd think with the relatively unhealthy relationship I have with them, I wouldn't give two wet hemorrhoids about another sequel. However, as noted in the trailer, Titty Lips and Shit Ass are nowhere to be found. This perked my ears. Black Beard is in it. This made my tail stand up. Johnny Depp is still around. Good, good. The fountain of youth. Fun, interesting. Mermaids and Zombies. Alright, they suckered my in.

I checked it out on Friday and was thoroughly entertained. It was all Johnny Depp. His Jack Sparrow is awesome. One of the most unique and memorable characters in cinema history. There was TONS of pirate stuff. Sword Fights, Mutinies, Treasure, Poop Deck Swabbing, you name it, they had it. The action was fun. The characters were fun. The quest for the fountain of youth was very much Indiana Jones-ey and as a matter of fact, this movie was better than the last Indiana Jones.

So ... why all the hate? And why do I find the need to defend a billion dollar movie from a bunch of internet bullies? By all means, this should have been the only Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I feel like the first three were experiments until they finally got it right.

The feeling that I get is that most people are now tired of the franchise and can't be bothered with another, but the irony therein is the majority of these folks participated in the general consensus that Fast Five is the best entry yet in that diarrhea pile of a movie series. History doesn't lie, especially when it was only two weeks ago. Take a moment, if you will to go to rottentomatoes.com and check out the ratings meter for both movies. Today it stands at this: Fast Five - 79% With a nice fresh tomato next to it and Pirates - 34% With a big green splat. You can go past that site to analyze as many reviews as you want, but rotten tomatoes sums it up right there with a big, bold PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I happened to see Fast Five, and it is without argument, one of the dumbest, most poorly made, meat-headed, piece of shit installments from a series of tank top wearing, upper tooth rotting, car accident inducing movies you will EVER SEE. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained. But in the way that I enjoy watching a morbidly obese man wipe powdered sugar off his chest flaps while he guzzles down a hunk of fried dough trying to enjoy it despite a sandy windstorm, which in fact I gandered at a week or so ago from a street corner whilst holding opera glasses to my eyes. Why is this entertaining to me? Because it defies nature. By all means it shouldn't be. In fact the cogs of the universe almost seem like they're specifically trying to make sure it DOESN'T HAPPEN. Yet somehow a movie where two guys hook a giant vault up to their cars and whip it around city blocks, knocking other cars out of the way and crushing buildings with no physical repercussions to their own vehicles, gets good reviews and simultaneously a human sack of cheeseburgers galoots around in this world with a functioning heart.

Fast five is almost three hours long and I'm pretty sure an hour of that is establishing shots. I fucking get it, you're in RIO and there's a giant Jesus. They could have told the same story in a half hour or less. I don't say that sarcastically. If somebody wanted, they could cut the movie on their own to a half hour and not lose a bit of story. Yet sites such as the A.V. Club say this about it,

"Fast Five may be lizard-brain escapism—and there’s something unsettling about how it lays waste to Rio’s desperately poor favelas—but nonsense this well-orchestrated is a rare and precious thing."

Giving the movie a B+

The same site reviewed the new Pirates of the Caribbean and here's what they had to say,

"POTC was never about nuance, and now it’s even less so: It’s about watching Depp fall into peril and wriggle his way out, over and over, for hours. Tides is a smaller film than past installments, by design and necessity. Which often makes it feel lightweight, but that’s still better than bloated."

They rated Pirates a straight C.

This is just one example of many. You can make whatever argument you like regarding the new Pirates movie. Like it or hate it. But you can't do the same with Fast Five. Fast Five is simply bad. You can enjoy watching it. I did. I laughed my ass off. But it is just not a good movie and taste can't come in to play. With food, somebody can enjoy or dislike a certain chili or casserole, but nobody can make an argument for a piece of shit. A literal piece of shit. If you tried to defend it, nobody would look at you the same.

"Oh come on, man. It's good. Give it a shot. It's an acquired taste."
"No ... that's okay, Willy. You can leave now."
"If only you would give shit a chance. You fuckers needs ta read Green Eggs and Ham"

I, for one, thought they did a great job with the new Pirates of the Caribbean. However, there are a lot of critics out there who will tell you otherwise. And for the record, they all have shit stains on their teeth.