I always end up going into these things excited and leaving with a deflated balloon in my hand and a face streaked with tear-soaked mascara. It's because I build it up so much. "There's gonna be all these awesome comics and artists and toys and holy shit, SUNDAY WILL ROCK!" I drive there with an ear to ear grin, then as soon as I step into the place and look around, my grin is shattered by the environment of reeses peanut butter cup induced guts, pit-and-tit-sweat-stained superhero t shirts, old carboard and sad man-child toys that deserve to be thrown away.
And man did I find some Gems this time around.
First up is Bob. The Joker's right hand man in the 1989 Batman. I remember in kindergarten some girl brought this toy to school and gave it to me, why, I don't know, but it's a distinct memory of mine. I kept the thing for a while until life happened and it disappeared. I bought it back today for five bucks off this guy who got into a smile-faced passive aggressive argument with me about which episode of Batman the animated series was the first. Long story short - he was wrong and he charges too much for his shitty action figures.
Needless to say, I am excited to bring Bob back into my life and one day hope to relieve my stress by shooting him in the head just as Joker did.
Oddly enough, there is a photo on the back showing Bob in action and if you look closely, he is way shittier than the Bob that comes in the package.
It was smart of them to lower a kid's expectations because the Bob they get is quite a sad affair to begin with.
Moving along. If you didn't think I could top Bob, you were right because my other purchase was a set of Total Recall trading Cards.
Yes it's true. I can now carry my favorite moments from one of the Mars-iest movies ever made in my wallet like they were photos of my own children. I can picture myself being held at gunpoint and flipping open my wallet to show these cards
"Please, mistah. I have Total Recall trading cards"
"Isn't that the movie with the chick that has three tits?"
"Yeah, mistah. It is"
"I liked that movie"
BLAMM! (That was the sound of him shooting me anyways)
The best part of this set isn't even the cards. Included in the box is a shit ton of Total Recall memorabilia including:
A Receipt from Rekall
A Ticket To Mars
MARS MONEY!
And Last, also just as least:
A ROCK FROM MARS!
I know it's a real Mars rock because the sticker on it says so. If you dare question it, I will punch all of the Karate lessons right out of you!
Not a bad set - if you suck just as much as me. I do have a major complaint however. Missing from the cards are 2 important images.
Number one: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger's bloated face as he is about to explode in the vacuum of Mars' air free atmosphere. That is one of the most iconic images from the movie. They have a card of Ronny Cox's face blowing up, so there's no excuse as to why Arnold's is absent.
And Number Two: The chick with 3 tits. I know they would claim she was not included because these trading cards are directed toward kids, but don't even try me. A kid's gonna buy these cards because he saw the movie, which means he saw the titties, which means he intends to throw away everything BUT the titty card. Imagine the look of disappointment on that kid's mug. And let's just say some kid bought these blindly having not seen the film. Guess what, Janice - After he sees these cards, the first thing he's gonna do is find his Dad's copy of Total Recall from under his bed and watch it right away. In both cases, the kid is witness to the titties, so there was NO excuse to keep that card out of the set. Poorly played, boys. Real sad.
Those were my finds from Depression Con. Hope you enjoyed them. I know I will until my next house fire.
Before I go, since I've been on the topic of Total Recall, I just want to remind everybody that, YES, they are remaking that movie, and YES everybody involved can go FAG themselves.
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