The End is ...whatever

It's 2012 and December is quickly approaching. You know what that means? Our most recent projected apocalypse is close to falling flat on its ugly goth kid face before we collectively pick another arbitrary date. You can almost taste it in the air that everybody stopped caring months ago. C'est la fads.

We put up with a good two to three years of people bragging about how they knew when the world was going to end with their necks tilted back, chins in the air. "That's when the Mayan calendar ends" they would smugly announce as though they discovered this prophecy themselves after countless tiring hours, laboring through every dust covered ancient tome they could find on Amazon's e-book library.

From the time it became generally accepted that an oversight in some dead tribesman's calendar determined the official end of all things, people have been proud to know it. There was never a sense of fear. Nobody Kermit The Frogged their arms in the air and sold all their stocks. It was just a cute little fact that people liked to carry around with them everywhere they went in a Radio Flyer wagon right next to a can of Four Loko and a frog in a jar.

By chance, as the totally kickass looming shadow of the four horsemen began to darken the skies while we grinned at it through our douchebag sunglasses and skinny jeans, our culture started beating the drums of another fad. Zombies. You know zombies, right? They're those living dead things that shuffled around in the movies you got made fun of for watching all those years ago. Well now we love them and, no, we're not apologizing because we don't remember. I mean look at our hair. Do we look like the kind of people who remember stuff? 'Nuff said.

With the increasing popularity of zombies and the coming of our cutesy Armageddon, it was inevitable that the two would cross paths and turn our "whatever"calypse into a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! "Oh, drude, the zrombies are trotally croming. This calls for a high five and a date rape that all of her friends will shame her from reporting because I'm such a 'nice guy'"

Here's the difference between the internet and the radio: You can turn the volume down on the radio.

Since the media looks at the internet as the pulse of all culture, they are going to reflect what they see there because they want to appeal to as many people as possible. That means when an innocent homeless man is brutally attacked by a deranged assailant who uses his teeth to rip open his victim's face it becomes a ZOMBIE ATTACK, BRODLES! Quick, make a t-shirt!

As a skeptic, I slept tight throughout all this. That is until a couple of days ago when I had a revelation. On Friday, November 16th Over 18,000 people lost their jobs when a union strike on a failing company led to the collapse of the Hostess corporation. Hostess was big. As in Twinkie and Wonderbread big. When the general public caught wind of this they flocked to the stores and cleared the shelves of all Hostess products. Twinkies are now being peddled online for over $100 a box.

The zombie apocalypse isn't nigh. It's here. It's you. When you smell the blood of something dead, you show up, consume its corpse and shit out the bones with no regard. Where were you when twinkies were a joke? When there was shame in eating those overprocessed unhealthy snacks. 18,000 people could have used your support then. Oh, but it wasn't cool. And now that it is, you're stocking up and profiting as much as you can. The same people who didn't vote for Mitt Romney are practicing the very thing they denounced him for.

This will all be over soon. Twinkies will find their way back into stores once the company that buys the rights from Hostess reproduces them. The Walking Dead will finally get cancelled. And December 21st will pass as we open our eyes to the same world that we knew yesterday and the day before. Some other inane shit will clog the intertubes but only for a week or so until we pour some more Drano in to make room for another Gangnam Style sized dump.

You don't have to wait for something to become a fad for you to enjoy it. If you took a moment to discover things for yourself, you might develop this disorder they call a personality. Everything that will be all the rage tomorrow is sitting somewhere untouched today. Find it and embrace it. But if it becomes popular and you say that you liked it before it was cool, I will be forced to remove your head or destroy your brain because that's the only way you can be stopped.