The Death of Macho Man Randy Savage

The too soon department brings to you all of the things that have been going through my head since I heard about the death of Macho Man Randy Savage. As sad as it is, he's just one of those people you make cracks about when they die like Osama Bin Laden and Clowns.

Crash Into A Palm Tree!

Yet more proof that you shouldn't have a heart attack while driving.

He could be faking it. He used to get paid to do that.

And ...

Will The Undertaker be at his funeral?

We just kid, though. There's a certain grieving widow who wouldn't appreciate these jokes. Along with a whole crew of people who are now out of work ... scratch that, just a widow.

THOR

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Good Luck, Avengers Movie

For the past 5 years or so, Marvel and DC alike have been releasing direct to video features based on their most popular properties. Though there have been a few misses, these videos for the most part are eye socket shattering hits. I mean that in the sense that they are more entertaining than most live action comic book movies I've seen. When I first watched Marvel's animated Iron Man feature, I was SURE that it was going to be better than soon to be Robert Downey Junior Iron Man. Fortunately they did an awesome job with the live action movie, but it should be noted that these are so well done they make me doubt their blockbuster counterparts.

Recently Marvel began producing an Avengers animated series, and yet again it is so well done that I doubt the Avengers movie will be anywhere near as good. In fact I don't see this Summer's Captain America or Thor matching the quality that you'll find in the new Avengers cartoon.

You'd think live action movies would hold an upper hand to cartoons, but the problem with movies oftentimes is that there's so much money involved, they get micromanaged by the uncreative people who write the checks. Think about all the rich people you know, if any, and ask yourself if they could write, act, or direct their way out of a wet paper bag with a tear on the bottom. If they could, well then fuck you for proving me wrong.

With animation, there is still a certain amount of bullshit, but it doesn't exist anywhere near on the same level as 100 million dollar movies. Typically, the creators tasked with targeting a specific audience for their content and they are left alone. It's different if you are making a show for 5 year olds as compared to 13 year olds or (if you're lucky) a cartoon for adults. Other than that it's just a matter of getting the shit out in time and if you're fortunate enough to be managed by a group of people who care then you get to make an awesome show. We happen to live in a time where Marvel and DC animation is for the most part taken seriously enough to produce content that can go toe to toe with the big guns at the cineplex.

If you haven't already, give the Avengers: Earths Mightiest Heroes a chance. You won't be disappointed. And while you're at it, try these features and series of recent years:

The Invincible Iron Man
Dr. Strange
Next Avengers
Hulk Vs.
Wolverine and The X-Men
Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes
Justice League & Justice League Unlimited
Every Single DC Showcase Short
Justice League New Frontier
Green Lantern First Flight
Batman Under the Red Hood
Batman: The Brave and the Bold
WonderWoman
Batman Gotham Knight
Justice League Crisis On Two Earths

It's all FUCKING amazing.

'Nuff Said

You Flush it, I Flaunt it

I made a quick stop at the New England Depression-con today. If you're not familiar with "Depression-Con" that's probably because the proper title is the "Seacoast Collectible Show". It's a comic book, and sports memorabilia show that dares to depress the fuck out of you with it's one, two, three, kill yourself combination of mopey atmosphere, sluggish people and crusty things for sale.

I always end up going into these things excited and leaving with a deflated balloon in my hand and a face streaked with tear-soaked mascara. It's because I build it up so much. "There's gonna be all these awesome comics and artists and toys and holy shit, SUNDAY WILL ROCK!" I drive there with an ear to ear grin, then as soon as I step into the place and look around, my grin is shattered by the environment of reeses peanut butter cup induced guts, pit-and-tit-sweat-stained superhero t shirts, old carboard and sad man-child toys that deserve to be thrown away.

And man did I find some Gems this time around.

First up is Bob. The Joker's right hand man in the 1989 Batman. I remember in kindergarten some girl brought this toy to school and gave it to me, why, I don't know, but it's a distinct memory of mine. I kept the thing for a while until life happened and it disappeared. I bought it back today for five bucks off this guy who got into a smile-faced passive aggressive argument with me about which episode of Batman the animated series was the first. Long story short - he was wrong and he charges too much for his shitty action figures.



Needless to say, I am excited to bring Bob back into my life and one day hope to relieve my stress by shooting him in the head just as Joker did.

Oddly enough, there is a photo on the back showing Bob in action and if you look closely, he is way shittier than the Bob that comes in the package.









It was smart of them to lower a kid's expectations because the Bob they get is quite a sad affair to begin with.

Moving along. If you didn't think I could top Bob, you were right because my other purchase was a set of Total Recall trading Cards.



Yes it's true. I can now carry my favorite moments from one of the Mars-iest movies ever made in my wallet like they were photos of my own children. I can picture myself being held at gunpoint and flipping open my wallet to show these cards

"Please, mistah. I have Total Recall trading cards"

"Isn't that the movie with the chick that has three tits?"

"Yeah, mistah. It is"

"I liked that movie"

BLAMM! (That was the sound of him shooting me anyways)

The best part of this set isn't even the cards. Included in the box is a shit ton of Total Recall memorabilia including:

A Receipt from Rekall

A Ticket To Mars

MARS MONEY!

And Last, also just as least:

A ROCK FROM MARS!

I know it's a real Mars rock because the sticker on it says so. If you dare question it, I will punch all of the Karate lessons right out of you!

Not a bad set - if you suck just as much as me. I do have a major complaint however. Missing from the cards are 2 important images.

Number one: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger's bloated face as he is about to explode in the vacuum of Mars' air free atmosphere. That is one of the most iconic images from the movie. They have a card of Ronny Cox's face blowing up, so there's no excuse as to why Arnold's is absent.

And Number Two: The chick with 3 tits. I know they would claim she was not included because these trading cards are directed toward kids, but don't even try me. A kid's gonna buy these cards because he saw the movie, which means he saw the titties, which means he intends to throw away everything BUT the titty card. Imagine the look of disappointment on that kid's mug. And let's just say some kid bought these blindly having not seen the film. Guess what, Janice - After he sees these cards, the first thing he's gonna do is find his Dad's copy of Total Recall from under his bed and watch it right away. In both cases, the kid is witness to the titties, so there was NO excuse to keep that card out of the set. Poorly played, boys. Real sad.

Those were my finds from Depression Con. Hope you enjoyed them. I know I will until my next house fire.

Before I go, since I've been on the topic of Total Recall, I just want to remind everybody that, YES, they are remaking that movie, and YES everybody involved can go FAG themselves.

Cap'n Merrrica

They released the new trailer for Captain America which I am pretty fine with, though I have to admit it sure does lack in the haymaker department. One uppercut is all we need to quench our thirst for fist. That's all we ask.

The one real problem I have is at the end of the trailer, they reveal the release date for Captain AMERICA. And that day is July (Drumroll) 22nd (fart). Really, guys? July 22nd? Now I'm a simple man and I don't know much. I know how to roll a cigarette with my toes. I know how to tell my wife what I want for dinner. And I know that Captain AMERICA comes out on THE FOURTH OF JULY!

I don't give a shit about the marketing tactics.

"Well you see here if we release the film on July Fourth we'll be competing with the Smurfs Vs. The Carebears III: Revenge of He-Man. I believe that releasing the film on the 22nd will increase the profit potential"

Whoah, whoah, whoah. I didn't catch any of that. All I heard you say was "I'm a fag and I like pink" Well guess what, FAG - I like RED WHITE AND BLUE. Do you know what that spells? It spells F-U-C-K-Y-O-U and you know what date FUCK YOU falls on the calendar? JULY 4th, Francis.

You put this movie out on the 22nd, you might as well have Santa come to town in August while you're at it. Why don't we just throw everything we know down the toilet? Except for my dude magazines. Keep your faggot fingers off my dude mags.

New Pooperman

They hired some British guy for the new Superman. I'm not sure how I feel about the new Superman to begin with given that it is likely to have a bunch of slow motion shots and CGI backdrops as is the nature of Zak Snyder.

But a Brit for Superman? I don't know. I hate to sound like a dick, but I'd be just as bummed out if they hired an American to play James Bond. Some roles are cultural.

Although, Robert Downey Jr. did do a good job as Sherlock Holmes. I guess I don't have any clout in this opinion.

Forget I said anything.

Brandon Routh was fine, bring him back.

Okay, I'm going now.

This movie will probably be lame, but I'm gonna check it out anyway.

Sorry, you can go back to what you were doing.

Boobies.

Ha! I got your attention again! Okay, now I'm done.