The Search is Over

A few weeks back, I went on a trip to New Hampshire where among many other things, I made a stop at a small sub shop where I had one of the best burgers I've eaten in a long time. Along with the burger, I purchased a bag of chips if for no other reason than to have an excuse to sing the old 1978 Rusty Tiggins song "Chips and a Burger" while I enjoyed my meal. If you haven't heard that song, here's one of the verses.

Chips and a burger. Chips and a burger.
Chips chips chips oh chips and a burger.
My wife makes my life misery
When I get home, I think I'm gonna murder.

What's special here is that the chips I bought were a flavor I never tried before called "All Dressed". When I tasted the first chip, my tongue walked out of my mouth, past my nose, slapped me in the eye and said "Fuck you for having been around all these years and never eating these before." My eyes crossed and I replied, "Well I'm glad you like them"
He got ever closer to me and said "Like em? It's like I've been jerking off my toe all my life, then one day I discovered my penis"

As you can tell from what my tongue told me, these chips were very satisfying. Based on the packaging artwork, "All dressed" is supposed to be a medley of different chip seasonings such as barbeque, salt and vinegar, sour cream and ketchup. Who would come up with such a concept? Answer: The Canadians, Jim. The Canadians.

There is a potato chip subculture in Canada that rivals their love of hockey and the word "eh". The seemingly endless chip flavor variety ranges from Indian Masala chips, to roast chicken with a lot of stops in between. Why so many interesting choices? Coming from the heads of the guys who think health care is a right, there's no telling.

Occasionally, the Candians' zany chip flavors make their way into the US. You may recognize some such as "Dill Pickle" and "Ketchup". Though most of their flavors stay up north as they cannot muster the courage the tolerate the berating customs officers shouting things such as "Immigrant faggot" and "Pinko faggot!" So we shouldn't take for granted the few flavors that have defied the border.

Having discovered the border defying All Dressed chips, one bag was simply not enough. On my way home, I stopped by that same sub shop to buy a few more bags, but alas, they were closed. I carefully squeezed out a spite shit onto their entryway.

As I drove away, everything looked like a bag of all dressed chips to me. The cars passing by. The painted lines in the road. All of the strippers in the 6 clubs that I stopped in on the way home from my 100 mile trip, normally a 2 hour drive that spanned several days. Everything.

My veins were growing lonely and they desparately needed a visitor. (In this metaphor, the chips are heroin). I couldn't find all dressed chips in any of the local stores. I was about to give up. But then the Mexican that I hire to change the lightbulbs in my head showed up - late as usual. He unscrewed the smashed bulb floating above me and replaced it with a shiny new one. He flicked my nipple to turn the light on, smoked a funny smelling cigarette, put his clothes back on, and walked away. Then BOOM! It hit me! What if I were to contact the company that produces these chips?

In this case, it was Humpty Dumpty. I called them up and spoke with a representative. I explained my admiration for their product and how I was having trouble finding them in my area. I told them I would have no issue buying a small case and paying shipping charges. After a silent moment, they flat out told me no and hung up. I immediately shot myself in the head.

Weeks later, I woke up to a man in a white coat shining a flashlight in my eyes. I asked him "Where am I?" "You're in the hospital," he said "You tried to kill yourself and fucked up once again" Already ignoring him, I was surfing the TV channels with the bedside remote. "Does this get skinemax?" I asked him. His shoulders lowered and he sighed as he said "Fuck this job," while exiting the room.

A few minutes after the doctor left, I ripped the IV's out of my arms and brain and filled a trash bag with medical supplies which I slung over my shoulder as I leapt out of the hospital room window. Not realizing which floor I was on, I fell 4 stories onto the sidewalk knocking down the doctor who had recently checked me.

The next day I laid in a full body cast shouting at a nurse who wouldn't flip to the next page of "Raunchy Whores Vol. 9 Issue 8" for me. As she stormed out I exclaimed "You don't flip the page for me and I will leave a gift in the bedpan that will make you want to quit!" It didn't work. She slammed the door and I was forced to turn the pages with the straw in my mouth.

There was a knock on my door. It was my boss coming in to tell me that he had to let me go after he saw that my absence brought productivity up. I knew this was coming and I was surprised I got away with it for as many years as I did. When he turned to leave, I was readying a loogie in my straw, aiming for the back of his head, but he turned back and asked "How did you get into this whole mess anyway?" I explained to him the All Dressed Chips story and he nodded saying "Yeah, I love those chips"
"Oh, you've tried them before?"
"Yeah. They sell them at the gas station on 110 across from the movie theater"

You're fucking kidding me.

I bought three bags yesterday and will from now on frequent that place as the "Potato chips guy who always uses our bathroom".

In Defense of Pirates

Let me begin with expressing my disinterest and nigh hatred for the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Curse of the Black Pearl:

I was excited to see a big pirate movie. There hadn't been a pirate movie in a long time, it was a dead genre. And to my knowledge there had never been a pirate movie made on this large a scale. This was a big deal and Johnny Depp's character looked awesome.

Then I walked out of the theater. So Johnny Depp was okay ... but ... who the fuck is Orlando Blumpkin and Skinny Tits? Why did they take up so much screen time? I hated them. I wanted more Johnny Depp. There was hardly ANY pirate stuff in this movie. I wanted pirate stuff. I am severely disappointed.

Dead Man's Chest:

Hmmm, a sequel? Well I guess it's just gonna be Johnny Depp the whole time because Fuck Face and Skinny Tits' story has already been told and they were sent on their merry way. Well, with them out of the way the movie HAS to be better.

Then I stumbled out of the theater. WHY THE FUCK WERE SKINNY TITS AND FUCKERNUTTER STILL IN THE MOVIE!?? It was so fucking long, nothing happened, I was confused the whole time. Johnny Depp was okay, but the story didn't end, they just left you on a cliffhanger and answered the question they left you with at the end. Yes, Johnny Depp died, but don't worry we'll bring him back to life. AND THERE WASN'T ENOUGH PIRATE STUFF!

At Worlds End:

Are SKELETON NIPS AND FUCKLEBERRY HOUND in it? Yes? No need to watch it.

So that's my summarized history with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. By no way am I a cheerleader for the franchise. You'd think with the relatively unhealthy relationship I have with them, I wouldn't give two wet hemorrhoids about another sequel. However, as noted in the trailer, Titty Lips and Shit Ass are nowhere to be found. This perked my ears. Black Beard is in it. This made my tail stand up. Johnny Depp is still around. Good, good. The fountain of youth. Fun, interesting. Mermaids and Zombies. Alright, they suckered my in.

I checked it out on Friday and was thoroughly entertained. It was all Johnny Depp. His Jack Sparrow is awesome. One of the most unique and memorable characters in cinema history. There was TONS of pirate stuff. Sword Fights, Mutinies, Treasure, Poop Deck Swabbing, you name it, they had it. The action was fun. The characters were fun. The quest for the fountain of youth was very much Indiana Jones-ey and as a matter of fact, this movie was better than the last Indiana Jones.

So ... why all the hate? And why do I find the need to defend a billion dollar movie from a bunch of internet bullies? By all means, this should have been the only Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I feel like the first three were experiments until they finally got it right.

The feeling that I get is that most people are now tired of the franchise and can't be bothered with another, but the irony therein is the majority of these folks participated in the general consensus that Fast Five is the best entry yet in that diarrhea pile of a movie series. History doesn't lie, especially when it was only two weeks ago. Take a moment, if you will to go to rottentomatoes.com and check out the ratings meter for both movies. Today it stands at this: Fast Five - 79% With a nice fresh tomato next to it and Pirates - 34% With a big green splat. You can go past that site to analyze as many reviews as you want, but rotten tomatoes sums it up right there with a big, bold PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I happened to see Fast Five, and it is without argument, one of the dumbest, most poorly made, meat-headed, piece of shit installments from a series of tank top wearing, upper tooth rotting, car accident inducing movies you will EVER SEE. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained. But in the way that I enjoy watching a morbidly obese man wipe powdered sugar off his chest flaps while he guzzles down a hunk of fried dough trying to enjoy it despite a sandy windstorm, which in fact I gandered at a week or so ago from a street corner whilst holding opera glasses to my eyes. Why is this entertaining to me? Because it defies nature. By all means it shouldn't be. In fact the cogs of the universe almost seem like they're specifically trying to make sure it DOESN'T HAPPEN. Yet somehow a movie where two guys hook a giant vault up to their cars and whip it around city blocks, knocking other cars out of the way and crushing buildings with no physical repercussions to their own vehicles, gets good reviews and simultaneously a human sack of cheeseburgers galoots around in this world with a functioning heart.

Fast five is almost three hours long and I'm pretty sure an hour of that is establishing shots. I fucking get it, you're in RIO and there's a giant Jesus. They could have told the same story in a half hour or less. I don't say that sarcastically. If somebody wanted, they could cut the movie on their own to a half hour and not lose a bit of story. Yet sites such as the A.V. Club say this about it,

"Fast Five may be lizard-brain escapism—and there’s something unsettling about how it lays waste to Rio’s desperately poor favelas—but nonsense this well-orchestrated is a rare and precious thing."

Giving the movie a B+

The same site reviewed the new Pirates of the Caribbean and here's what they had to say,

"POTC was never about nuance, and now it’s even less so: It’s about watching Depp fall into peril and wriggle his way out, over and over, for hours. Tides is a smaller film than past installments, by design and necessity. Which often makes it feel lightweight, but that’s still better than bloated."

They rated Pirates a straight C.

This is just one example of many. You can make whatever argument you like regarding the new Pirates movie. Like it or hate it. But you can't do the same with Fast Five. Fast Five is simply bad. You can enjoy watching it. I did. I laughed my ass off. But it is just not a good movie and taste can't come in to play. With food, somebody can enjoy or dislike a certain chili or casserole, but nobody can make an argument for a piece of shit. A literal piece of shit. If you tried to defend it, nobody would look at you the same.

"Oh come on, man. It's good. Give it a shot. It's an acquired taste."
"No ... that's okay, Willy. You can leave now."
"If only you would give shit a chance. You fuckers needs ta read Green Eggs and Ham"

I, for one, thought they did a great job with the new Pirates of the Caribbean. However, there are a lot of critics out there who will tell you otherwise. And for the record, they all have shit stains on their teeth.

The Death of Macho Man Randy Savage

The too soon department brings to you all of the things that have been going through my head since I heard about the death of Macho Man Randy Savage. As sad as it is, he's just one of those people you make cracks about when they die like Osama Bin Laden and Clowns.

Crash Into A Palm Tree!

Yet more proof that you shouldn't have a heart attack while driving.

He could be faking it. He used to get paid to do that.

And ...

Will The Undertaker be at his funeral?

We just kid, though. There's a certain grieving widow who wouldn't appreciate these jokes. Along with a whole crew of people who are now out of work ... scratch that, just a widow.

THOR

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Good Luck, Avengers Movie

For the past 5 years or so, Marvel and DC alike have been releasing direct to video features based on their most popular properties. Though there have been a few misses, these videos for the most part are eye socket shattering hits. I mean that in the sense that they are more entertaining than most live action comic book movies I've seen. When I first watched Marvel's animated Iron Man feature, I was SURE that it was going to be better than soon to be Robert Downey Junior Iron Man. Fortunately they did an awesome job with the live action movie, but it should be noted that these are so well done they make me doubt their blockbuster counterparts.

Recently Marvel began producing an Avengers animated series, and yet again it is so well done that I doubt the Avengers movie will be anywhere near as good. In fact I don't see this Summer's Captain America or Thor matching the quality that you'll find in the new Avengers cartoon.

You'd think live action movies would hold an upper hand to cartoons, but the problem with movies oftentimes is that there's so much money involved, they get micromanaged by the uncreative people who write the checks. Think about all the rich people you know, if any, and ask yourself if they could write, act, or direct their way out of a wet paper bag with a tear on the bottom. If they could, well then fuck you for proving me wrong.

With animation, there is still a certain amount of bullshit, but it doesn't exist anywhere near on the same level as 100 million dollar movies. Typically, the creators tasked with targeting a specific audience for their content and they are left alone. It's different if you are making a show for 5 year olds as compared to 13 year olds or (if you're lucky) a cartoon for adults. Other than that it's just a matter of getting the shit out in time and if you're fortunate enough to be managed by a group of people who care then you get to make an awesome show. We happen to live in a time where Marvel and DC animation is for the most part taken seriously enough to produce content that can go toe to toe with the big guns at the cineplex.

If you haven't already, give the Avengers: Earths Mightiest Heroes a chance. You won't be disappointed. And while you're at it, try these features and series of recent years:

The Invincible Iron Man
Dr. Strange
Next Avengers
Hulk Vs.
Wolverine and The X-Men
Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes
Justice League & Justice League Unlimited
Every Single DC Showcase Short
Justice League New Frontier
Green Lantern First Flight
Batman Under the Red Hood
Batman: The Brave and the Bold
WonderWoman
Batman Gotham Knight
Justice League Crisis On Two Earths

It's all FUCKING amazing.

'Nuff Said

Cap'n Merrrica

They released the new trailer for Captain America which I am pretty fine with, though I have to admit it sure does lack in the haymaker department. One uppercut is all we need to quench our thirst for fist. That's all we ask.

The one real problem I have is at the end of the trailer, they reveal the release date for Captain AMERICA. And that day is July (Drumroll) 22nd (fart). Really, guys? July 22nd? Now I'm a simple man and I don't know much. I know how to roll a cigarette with my toes. I know how to tell my wife what I want for dinner. And I know that Captain AMERICA comes out on THE FOURTH OF JULY!

I don't give a shit about the marketing tactics.

"Well you see here if we release the film on July Fourth we'll be competing with the Smurfs Vs. The Carebears III: Revenge of He-Man. I believe that releasing the film on the 22nd will increase the profit potential"

Whoah, whoah, whoah. I didn't catch any of that. All I heard you say was "I'm a fag and I like pink" Well guess what, FAG - I like RED WHITE AND BLUE. Do you know what that spells? It spells F-U-C-K-Y-O-U and you know what date FUCK YOU falls on the calendar? JULY 4th, Francis.

You put this movie out on the 22nd, you might as well have Santa come to town in August while you're at it. Why don't we just throw everything we know down the toilet? Except for my dude magazines. Keep your faggot fingers off my dude mags.

New Pooperman

They hired some British guy for the new Superman. I'm not sure how I feel about the new Superman to begin with given that it is likely to have a bunch of slow motion shots and CGI backdrops as is the nature of Zak Snyder.

But a Brit for Superman? I don't know. I hate to sound like a dick, but I'd be just as bummed out if they hired an American to play James Bond. Some roles are cultural.

Although, Robert Downey Jr. did do a good job as Sherlock Holmes. I guess I don't have any clout in this opinion.

Forget I said anything.

Brandon Routh was fine, bring him back.

Okay, I'm going now.

This movie will probably be lame, but I'm gonna check it out anyway.

Sorry, you can go back to what you were doing.

Boobies.

Ha! I got your attention again! Okay, now I'm done.

Twins

Free time on my hands ...