They did it again...

During Stan Lee's reign as editor of Marvel comics, his books consistently outsold the competition. DC, trying to tap into Marvel's success, would mimic what they thought made Marvel's books sell so well. Was it the powers the characters had? The age of the heroes? The colors used in the book? They tried it all, but simply couldn't succeed. Stan Lee was aware of this, so he would make aesthetic changes just to mess with DC. One month, all of his covers would be red. Next thing you know, so would DC's. These attempts at mimicry were always superficial and failed to emulate what Marvel was actually doing right which were two core practices. 1) Ground your characters in an emotional reality, therefore making superhuman beings relatable and 2) Listen to the fans.

Here we are, many years past the silver age, and DC is continuing their blind approach of aping Marvel's success. This time around, the playing field is in the film industry. Marvel keeps knocking one hit after another out of the park and in doing so have become responsible for one of the highest grossing films of all time in the Avengers. Warner Brother's DC catalog is filled with just as many interesting stories and characters as the Marvel universe, but they have only done well with Batman and sort of with Superman. The rumor was released today that, instead of slowly and carefully crafting a vast interweaving cinematic universe, dem jusss gonna put bAFTMAN And SNUPERMEn in da SAMEE movIE togever.

?

You got it, guys. That's why the Avengers did so well. 'Cause everyone was in one movie. Good luck. I'm glad Stan Lee is still alive; I heard rolling in your grave can be a bitch.

PULL THE MEDIA'S WOOL FROM YOUR EYES

The George Zimmerman trial has consumed media outlets for the past few weeks. Don't let this distract you. It's just another gross attempt by the advertising companies to push their products on us.

WE NEED TO WAKE UP

While America argues over whether or not they feel Zimmerman is guilty, no matter what side of the argument you're on, you are being fed subliminal messages.

The story goes that Trayvon Martin purchased an Arizona Iced tea and a bag of Skittles prior to his death. These two products have since been mentioned over 200 million times. The advertising value from this exposure is predicted to be north of 17 trillion dollars.

With a price tag that high, do you think this is merely happenstance? It's OBVIOUS that the Arizona Iced Tea and Skittles companies (WHO HAVE BEEN IN BED TOGETHER FOR YEARS) staged the death of Trayvon Martin.

Unused testimony from key witnesses reveals that over 2,000 people at a nearby party saw a Skittles van pull up to the 7-11. They claim, as the van door opened, a group of masked men forced Trayvon into the store where he purchased the notorious products.

NOBODY WOULD CONSCIOUSLY 

DRINK ARIZONA ICED TEA

AND EAT SKITTLES AT THE SAME TIME

IT MAKES YOUR TONGUE FEEL WEIRD 

They then forced Trayvon to walk through the neighborhood of known paranoid gun owner, George Zimmerman and the rest was history.

BILLIONS OF CHILDREN ACROSS THE WORLD

ARE GETTING THE SKITTLES LOGO

TATTOOED ON THEIR FACES AND NECKS

This isn't the first time this has happened and it certainly won't be the last. 

During the OJ Simpson trial, leather gloves became the fashion hit of the season. And, OH YEAH, the stock in orange juice manufacturers skyrocketed!

The Elian Gonzalez controversy put Elio's Pizza on the map.

Before the Rodney King beatings, Burger King was just a small mom and pop operation. Look at where they are today.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO FIGHT THIS?

The only way we can stand against these corporate interests is by supporting local businesses and buying all natural, fair trade products from companies such as Whole Foods. 

At Whole Foods, not only can you be certain you are supporting your local economy, but you can also go fuck yourself. 

A Good Day to Die Hard and How We Were Conned

There was once a man named Professor Harold Hill. He was a salesman. His product? Instruments. He would travel from town to town selling marching band instruments to musically deprived communities. We're not talking one or two clarinets. We're talking the whole shebang. Uniforms, drums, trumpets, you name it. Why was he so successful with each and every venture? Because he wasn't just selling instruments. He was selling hope.

Harold Hill would convince these communities that their kids needed discipline and he was the man to do it. He promised that he would train all of their children and give these towns the big band that they always needed. And when the instruments and uniforms were paid for, just before they arrived, he would skip town and move on to the next community. Leaving them stuck with empty pockets and nobody to train their band.

A Good Day to Die Hard was recently released in movie theaters. This marks the fifth installment in the beloved Die Hard franchise. Many consider the first Die Hard to be the greatest action movie ever made. It is heralded for its interesting, well developed characters, clever plot and large scale, wonderfully executed action sequences. The following three sequels, though not as well received, maintained a level of quality set by the expectations established in the first film.

The critical response to the latest Die Hard film is the worst yet. Audiences feel deceived. All of the trademark qualities of the original Die Hard films have been abandoned. Some are looking at this as a simple misstep. That the studio failed to hit the right notes. I submit that what happened is much more than that. If you'll indulge me, I can make the case that we have all been conned.

The facts:

This is the shortest film in the franchise. 

Die Hard    - 131 mins
Die Hard 2 - 124 mins
Die Hard 3 - 131 mins
Die Hard 4 - 128 Mins
Die Hard 5 -  97 mins 

The average running time of the first 4 Die Hard movies is 129 mins. A little over 2 hours. The most recent outing is about 25% shorter than the rest. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Especially if the thing that ain't broke has raked in over a billion dollars worldwide.

So why make a shorter Die Hard? A shorter film means a shorter script which means a shorter production period which boils down to less money spent. Now less money spent doesn't necessarily equate to a better or worse movie, but when you're dealing with a franchise that is action based, the more you spend, the bigger the bang.

Why spend less money on the production? If the studio grants you 90 million bucks to make the film and you want to keep as much of that 90 million as you can in your pocket, the less you spend, the more you get to take home. That's the kind of decision a producer can make. Bruce Willis is credited as one of the producers of A Good Day to Die Hard.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got trouble. Right here in Movie City.

Bruce Willis Has Money Problems 

There's no question that our boy Bruce remains an A level celebrity. He's shown throughout his career that he's got the chops and he's nabbed roles in the some of the best movies made over the past few decades.

Although, his credits of late list some questionable movie choices. In recent years, his name has been popping up in a number of straight to video titles such as:

The Cold Light of Day
Lay the Favorite
Assassination of a High School President    
Catch .44                  
Setup
                   
Nobody has heard of or seen any of these movies. That's because they either had a minimal theatrical release or went straight to video outright.

Why would an A level star who is obviously financially well off want to perform in straight to video garbage? Even though he's loaded, something may have come up in his life that could potentially compromise his lifestyle. A lawsuit, bad investment, blackmail, who knows? In order to keep up, he would need to take any role thrown in his direction, no matter how small the part or bad the script. It's exactly what happened to Cuba Gooding Jr. who went so far as to glue a gun to his hand for his decades worth of straight to DVD outings.

Even recent decisions in wide theatrical releases such as Copout or the new GI Joe begs the question of why a big star like Willis would attach his name to something that was such an obvious cash grab.

Die Hard starts with D which rhymes with T and that stands for TROUBLE.

Bruce Willis is the only name in A Good Day to Die Hard

One of the best things about the Die Hard movies were the cast of characters portrayed by quality actors. Aside from Bruce, each movie had at least one big name to rest on. 

Die Hard Gave us the great Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber. We were also graced with the presence of well known character actors Reginald Veljohnson and William Atherton.

Die Hard 2 was loaded with a welcome return from Atherton and Veljohnson as well as the great William Sadler as our villain. Even Dennis Franz, and Fred Thompson had their moment in the spotlight. Dig even deeper and there were minor roles played by John Leguizamo and Robert Patrick.

Die Hard with a Vengeance brought back the Gruber family with Jeremy Irons playing Hans' brother. Bruce Willis had excellent chemistry with his sidekick played by Samuel L. Jackson. 

Live Free or Die Hard costarred Justin Long, Timothy Olyphant, Kevin Smith, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Even smaller names such as Maggie Q and Cliff Curtis played important parts.

Then you have A Good Day to Die Hard. Whoever the fuck Jai Courtney is plays his son. 

And that's it. 

Unless you want to count Mary Elizabeth Winstead's 30 - 45 seconds of screentime, there are no other names of note. I'm not hiding anything to further my point. That is it. Don't believe me? Tell me if you recognize any of these names - 

Sebastian Koch

Cole Hauser

Yuliya Snigur

Radivoje Bukvic

Pasha D Lychnikoff

Those are the only other actors with speaking roles. I know Bruce Willis is expensive to hire, but so expensive that nobody else is allowed to be in the movie?

Actors of Movie City, heed the warning before it's too late. Watch for the telltale signs of corruption.

A Good Day to Die Hard was Filmed in the Middle of Nowhere

"Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Russia!" Exclaims the tagline on the movie poster. But it wasn't shot in Russia. A Good Day to Die Hard was filmed in Hungary. All of the Moscow scenes were shot in Budapest. You'd be stretching it to say a third of this movie featured exterior city locations. The rest was shot in various closed off soundstages, or in far away nothingness.

Why give the film an international setting? Firstly, in setting the story in Eastern Europe, you are creating an appeal to non-domestic territories. Die Hard already has a strong fanbase in the US. People here are going to watch it no matter where it takes place. Might as well set it outside of the US to get other countries interested. 

More importantly, however, Hungary is a cheap place to shoot a movie. That's where you go when you don't have any money. Or in this case, that's where you go when you have 90 million dollars and you're trying to spend as little of it as possible. Sure they could have actually shot this in Russia, but what would the take home have been then?

Oh, we got trouble. We're in terrible terrible trouble. That machine that takes 24 pictures every second is the devil's tool!

***

Those are the facts, folks. I laid them out. The movie was a quick, cheap shoot that cut corners at every turn. Bruce Willis was desperately in need of the money. So what did he do? He sold us hope. We love the Die Hard series. Mr Willis came into town and promised us another one. We got excited. We ran to the box office and paid for a ticket. Then the projector started and we were distracted with a lot of explosions. Before we realized what happened, Mr Willis had already escaped in a helicopter filled with our cash. He accomplished what Hans Gruber failed to do. This wasn't a movie. This was a con job.




We invested in a movie and now all we have left are empty, worthless ticket stubs. Where is our hero cop to throw a wrench in Bruce Willis' scheme? Nowhere to be found. This is the real world and in the real world, most of the time, the bad guy wins.

The End is ...whatever

It's 2012 and December is quickly approaching. You know what that means? Our most recent projected apocalypse is close to falling flat on its ugly goth kid face before we collectively pick another arbitrary date. You can almost taste it in the air that everybody stopped caring months ago. C'est la fads.

We put up with a good two to three years of people bragging about how they knew when the world was going to end with their necks tilted back, chins in the air. "That's when the Mayan calendar ends" they would smugly announce as though they discovered this prophecy themselves after countless tiring hours, laboring through every dust covered ancient tome they could find on Amazon's e-book library.

From the time it became generally accepted that an oversight in some dead tribesman's calendar determined the official end of all things, people have been proud to know it. There was never a sense of fear. Nobody Kermit The Frogged their arms in the air and sold all their stocks. It was just a cute little fact that people liked to carry around with them everywhere they went in a Radio Flyer wagon right next to a can of Four Loko and a frog in a jar.

By chance, as the totally kickass looming shadow of the four horsemen began to darken the skies while we grinned at it through our douchebag sunglasses and skinny jeans, our culture started beating the drums of another fad. Zombies. You know zombies, right? They're those living dead things that shuffled around in the movies you got made fun of for watching all those years ago. Well now we love them and, no, we're not apologizing because we don't remember. I mean look at our hair. Do we look like the kind of people who remember stuff? 'Nuff said.

With the increasing popularity of zombies and the coming of our cutesy Armageddon, it was inevitable that the two would cross paths and turn our "whatever"calypse into a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! "Oh, drude, the zrombies are trotally croming. This calls for a high five and a date rape that all of her friends will shame her from reporting because I'm such a 'nice guy'"

Here's the difference between the internet and the radio: You can turn the volume down on the radio.

Since the media looks at the internet as the pulse of all culture, they are going to reflect what they see there because they want to appeal to as many people as possible. That means when an innocent homeless man is brutally attacked by a deranged assailant who uses his teeth to rip open his victim's face it becomes a ZOMBIE ATTACK, BRODLES! Quick, make a t-shirt!

As a skeptic, I slept tight throughout all this. That is until a couple of days ago when I had a revelation. On Friday, November 16th Over 18,000 people lost their jobs when a union strike on a failing company led to the collapse of the Hostess corporation. Hostess was big. As in Twinkie and Wonderbread big. When the general public caught wind of this they flocked to the stores and cleared the shelves of all Hostess products. Twinkies are now being peddled online for over $100 a box.

The zombie apocalypse isn't nigh. It's here. It's you. When you smell the blood of something dead, you show up, consume its corpse and shit out the bones with no regard. Where were you when twinkies were a joke? When there was shame in eating those overprocessed unhealthy snacks. 18,000 people could have used your support then. Oh, but it wasn't cool. And now that it is, you're stocking up and profiting as much as you can. The same people who didn't vote for Mitt Romney are practicing the very thing they denounced him for.

This will all be over soon. Twinkies will find their way back into stores once the company that buys the rights from Hostess reproduces them. The Walking Dead will finally get cancelled. And December 21st will pass as we open our eyes to the same world that we knew yesterday and the day before. Some other inane shit will clog the intertubes but only for a week or so until we pour some more Drano in to make room for another Gangnam Style sized dump.

You don't have to wait for something to become a fad for you to enjoy it. If you took a moment to discover things for yourself, you might develop this disorder they call a personality. Everything that will be all the rage tomorrow is sitting somewhere untouched today. Find it and embrace it. But if it becomes popular and you say that you liked it before it was cool, I will be forced to remove your head or destroy your brain because that's the only way you can be stopped.

The Search is Over

A few weeks back, I went on a trip to New Hampshire where among many other things, I made a stop at a small sub shop where I had one of the best burgers I've eaten in a long time. Along with the burger, I purchased a bag of chips if for no other reason than to have an excuse to sing the old 1978 Rusty Tiggins song "Chips and a Burger" while I enjoyed my meal. If you haven't heard that song, here's one of the verses.

Chips and a burger. Chips and a burger.
Chips chips chips oh chips and a burger.
My wife makes my life misery
When I get home, I think I'm gonna murder.

What's special here is that the chips I bought were a flavor I never tried before called "All Dressed". When I tasted the first chip, my tongue walked out of my mouth, past my nose, slapped me in the eye and said "Fuck you for having been around all these years and never eating these before." My eyes crossed and I replied, "Well I'm glad you like them"
He got ever closer to me and said "Like em? It's like I've been jerking off my toe all my life, then one day I discovered my penis"

As you can tell from what my tongue told me, these chips were very satisfying. Based on the packaging artwork, "All dressed" is supposed to be a medley of different chip seasonings such as barbeque, salt and vinegar, sour cream and ketchup. Who would come up with such a concept? Answer: The Canadians, Jim. The Canadians.

There is a potato chip subculture in Canada that rivals their love of hockey and the word "eh". The seemingly endless chip flavor variety ranges from Indian Masala chips, to roast chicken with a lot of stops in between. Why so many interesting choices? Coming from the heads of the guys who think health care is a right, there's no telling.

Occasionally, the Candians' zany chip flavors make their way into the US. You may recognize some such as "Dill Pickle" and "Ketchup". Though most of their flavors stay up north as they cannot muster the courage the tolerate the berating customs officers shouting things such as "Immigrant faggot" and "Pinko faggot!" So we shouldn't take for granted the few flavors that have defied the border.

Having discovered the border defying All Dressed chips, one bag was simply not enough. On my way home, I stopped by that same sub shop to buy a few more bags, but alas, they were closed. I carefully squeezed out a spite shit onto their entryway.

As I drove away, everything looked like a bag of all dressed chips to me. The cars passing by. The painted lines in the road. All of the strippers in the 6 clubs that I stopped in on the way home from my 100 mile trip, normally a 2 hour drive that spanned several days. Everything.

My veins were growing lonely and they desparately needed a visitor. (In this metaphor, the chips are heroin). I couldn't find all dressed chips in any of the local stores. I was about to give up. But then the Mexican that I hire to change the lightbulbs in my head showed up - late as usual. He unscrewed the smashed bulb floating above me and replaced it with a shiny new one. He flicked my nipple to turn the light on, smoked a funny smelling cigarette, put his clothes back on, and walked away. Then BOOM! It hit me! What if I were to contact the company that produces these chips?

In this case, it was Humpty Dumpty. I called them up and spoke with a representative. I explained my admiration for their product and how I was having trouble finding them in my area. I told them I would have no issue buying a small case and paying shipping charges. After a silent moment, they flat out told me no and hung up. I immediately shot myself in the head.

Weeks later, I woke up to a man in a white coat shining a flashlight in my eyes. I asked him "Where am I?" "You're in the hospital," he said "You tried to kill yourself and fucked up once again" Already ignoring him, I was surfing the TV channels with the bedside remote. "Does this get skinemax?" I asked him. His shoulders lowered and he sighed as he said "Fuck this job," while exiting the room.

A few minutes after the doctor left, I ripped the IV's out of my arms and brain and filled a trash bag with medical supplies which I slung over my shoulder as I leapt out of the hospital room window. Not realizing which floor I was on, I fell 4 stories onto the sidewalk knocking down the doctor who had recently checked me.

The next day I laid in a full body cast shouting at a nurse who wouldn't flip to the next page of "Raunchy Whores Vol. 9 Issue 8" for me. As she stormed out I exclaimed "You don't flip the page for me and I will leave a gift in the bedpan that will make you want to quit!" It didn't work. She slammed the door and I was forced to turn the pages with the straw in my mouth.

There was a knock on my door. It was my boss coming in to tell me that he had to let me go after he saw that my absence brought productivity up. I knew this was coming and I was surprised I got away with it for as many years as I did. When he turned to leave, I was readying a loogie in my straw, aiming for the back of his head, but he turned back and asked "How did you get into this whole mess anyway?" I explained to him the All Dressed Chips story and he nodded saying "Yeah, I love those chips"
"Oh, you've tried them before?"
"Yeah. They sell them at the gas station on 110 across from the movie theater"

You're fucking kidding me.

I bought three bags yesterday and will from now on frequent that place as the "Potato chips guy who always uses our bathroom".

In Defense of Pirates

Let me begin with expressing my disinterest and nigh hatred for the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Curse of the Black Pearl:

I was excited to see a big pirate movie. There hadn't been a pirate movie in a long time, it was a dead genre. And to my knowledge there had never been a pirate movie made on this large a scale. This was a big deal and Johnny Depp's character looked awesome.

Then I walked out of the theater. So Johnny Depp was okay ... but ... who the fuck is Orlando Blumpkin and Skinny Tits? Why did they take up so much screen time? I hated them. I wanted more Johnny Depp. There was hardly ANY pirate stuff in this movie. I wanted pirate stuff. I am severely disappointed.

Dead Man's Chest:

Hmmm, a sequel? Well I guess it's just gonna be Johnny Depp the whole time because Fuck Face and Skinny Tits' story has already been told and they were sent on their merry way. Well, with them out of the way the movie HAS to be better.

Then I stumbled out of the theater. WHY THE FUCK WERE SKINNY TITS AND FUCKERNUTTER STILL IN THE MOVIE!?? It was so fucking long, nothing happened, I was confused the whole time. Johnny Depp was okay, but the story didn't end, they just left you on a cliffhanger and answered the question they left you with at the end. Yes, Johnny Depp died, but don't worry we'll bring him back to life. AND THERE WASN'T ENOUGH PIRATE STUFF!

At Worlds End:

Are SKELETON NIPS AND FUCKLEBERRY HOUND in it? Yes? No need to watch it.

So that's my summarized history with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. By no way am I a cheerleader for the franchise. You'd think with the relatively unhealthy relationship I have with them, I wouldn't give two wet hemorrhoids about another sequel. However, as noted in the trailer, Titty Lips and Shit Ass are nowhere to be found. This perked my ears. Black Beard is in it. This made my tail stand up. Johnny Depp is still around. Good, good. The fountain of youth. Fun, interesting. Mermaids and Zombies. Alright, they suckered my in.

I checked it out on Friday and was thoroughly entertained. It was all Johnny Depp. His Jack Sparrow is awesome. One of the most unique and memorable characters in cinema history. There was TONS of pirate stuff. Sword Fights, Mutinies, Treasure, Poop Deck Swabbing, you name it, they had it. The action was fun. The characters were fun. The quest for the fountain of youth was very much Indiana Jones-ey and as a matter of fact, this movie was better than the last Indiana Jones.

So ... why all the hate? And why do I find the need to defend a billion dollar movie from a bunch of internet bullies? By all means, this should have been the only Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I feel like the first three were experiments until they finally got it right.

The feeling that I get is that most people are now tired of the franchise and can't be bothered with another, but the irony therein is the majority of these folks participated in the general consensus that Fast Five is the best entry yet in that diarrhea pile of a movie series. History doesn't lie, especially when it was only two weeks ago. Take a moment, if you will to go to rottentomatoes.com and check out the ratings meter for both movies. Today it stands at this: Fast Five - 79% With a nice fresh tomato next to it and Pirates - 34% With a big green splat. You can go past that site to analyze as many reviews as you want, but rotten tomatoes sums it up right there with a big, bold PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I happened to see Fast Five, and it is without argument, one of the dumbest, most poorly made, meat-headed, piece of shit installments from a series of tank top wearing, upper tooth rotting, car accident inducing movies you will EVER SEE. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained. But in the way that I enjoy watching a morbidly obese man wipe powdered sugar off his chest flaps while he guzzles down a hunk of fried dough trying to enjoy it despite a sandy windstorm, which in fact I gandered at a week or so ago from a street corner whilst holding opera glasses to my eyes. Why is this entertaining to me? Because it defies nature. By all means it shouldn't be. In fact the cogs of the universe almost seem like they're specifically trying to make sure it DOESN'T HAPPEN. Yet somehow a movie where two guys hook a giant vault up to their cars and whip it around city blocks, knocking other cars out of the way and crushing buildings with no physical repercussions to their own vehicles, gets good reviews and simultaneously a human sack of cheeseburgers galoots around in this world with a functioning heart.

Fast five is almost three hours long and I'm pretty sure an hour of that is establishing shots. I fucking get it, you're in RIO and there's a giant Jesus. They could have told the same story in a half hour or less. I don't say that sarcastically. If somebody wanted, they could cut the movie on their own to a half hour and not lose a bit of story. Yet sites such as the A.V. Club say this about it,

"Fast Five may be lizard-brain escapism—and there’s something unsettling about how it lays waste to Rio’s desperately poor favelas—but nonsense this well-orchestrated is a rare and precious thing."

Giving the movie a B+

The same site reviewed the new Pirates of the Caribbean and here's what they had to say,

"POTC was never about nuance, and now it’s even less so: It’s about watching Depp fall into peril and wriggle his way out, over and over, for hours. Tides is a smaller film than past installments, by design and necessity. Which often makes it feel lightweight, but that’s still better than bloated."

They rated Pirates a straight C.

This is just one example of many. You can make whatever argument you like regarding the new Pirates movie. Like it or hate it. But you can't do the same with Fast Five. Fast Five is simply bad. You can enjoy watching it. I did. I laughed my ass off. But it is just not a good movie and taste can't come in to play. With food, somebody can enjoy or dislike a certain chili or casserole, but nobody can make an argument for a piece of shit. A literal piece of shit. If you tried to defend it, nobody would look at you the same.

"Oh come on, man. It's good. Give it a shot. It's an acquired taste."
"No ... that's okay, Willy. You can leave now."
"If only you would give shit a chance. You fuckers needs ta read Green Eggs and Ham"

I, for one, thought they did a great job with the new Pirates of the Caribbean. However, there are a lot of critics out there who will tell you otherwise. And for the record, they all have shit stains on their teeth.

The Death of Macho Man Randy Savage

The too soon department brings to you all of the things that have been going through my head since I heard about the death of Macho Man Randy Savage. As sad as it is, he's just one of those people you make cracks about when they die like Osama Bin Laden and Clowns.

Crash Into A Palm Tree!

Yet more proof that you shouldn't have a heart attack while driving.

He could be faking it. He used to get paid to do that.

And ...

Will The Undertaker be at his funeral?

We just kid, though. There's a certain grieving widow who wouldn't appreciate these jokes. Along with a whole crew of people who are now out of work ... scratch that, just a widow.