The Black Swan and Obama

I saw Black Swan last night, not necessarily with expectations too high to meet, but pretty much knowing I was going to see a good movie. With all the award nominations and amazing reviews, and being a fan of the director, it was a sure shot that I would be entertained.

That said, am I the only asshole who can see through this movie? Within the first few minutes you can tell that this movie is for Fancy people. And when I use the word fancy, I mean it in the most derogatory way possible. To quote David Letterman in Cabin Boy - "Man oh man, do I hate me a fancy lad". It just had that certain air of arrogance to it that goes hand in hand with the performers and spectators of ballet, opera and any other art form that dictates you to wear a scarf when you talk about it.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and admire what these dancers do which is why as much of a turn-off the arrogance of it all can be, I was still optimistic to see what was going to happen in the movie.

Without ruining much, it's a story about a girl in a highly competitive dance company who gets a leading role and tortures herself to give the best performance she can which requires her to step outside of herself to "explore her darkside" or some such nonsense.

The movie rides on multiple themes, or story lines, but it fails to really focus on one, which was my major problem with the story. You have her relationship with her obsessed mother, the relationship with her pushy director, the competition with a fellow dancer, and the personal struggle which is dipping into insanity. All of these are fine conflicts to line together in a story, but it never seems to focus on one, so when the story comes to a climax you find yourself asking what the story is trying to tell you. Is this whole thing just a stew of metaphors that is intended to make us understand the struggle of a ballet dancer? Is there anything tangible going on? As nice as a metaphor can be, you still need an actual story for the viewer to follow. I hate to break it down so simplistically, but time and time again, we've learned the basics to tell a good story and when you stray too far, you lose your audience.

To compliment the movie, it was shot well and has some disturbing visuals that are more impressive than anything you'll see in a horror movie these days. I think that's about all the positive stuff I can say. I'm sitting here trying to conjure something positive to say about the acting, but it's pretty much 2 hours of Natalie Portman furrowing her brows. It wasn't her fault, there really was no dialogue to work with. Aside from her, none of the other actors have any significant moments in the story. So here I am trying to dig for compliments and I'm back to complaining about the thing.

Now to my main point which is the reception of this film. As I mentioned before, I was sure I was going to see a good movie. Basically, people are saying this is, if not the best movie of the year, most definitely a movie that will be nominated for best picture. I don't have much faith in the academy awards anymore, but it remains to be THE major ceremony honoring the best movies of the year, so it will always have my attention.

Why does everybody love this movie so damn much? Am I missing something here? I'm gonna go ahead and say it's not me this time. As you recall, I dubbed this is a fancy film. Oftentimes critics are afraid to stand out from the herd. And when one or two major critics steps up and raves or boos something, you'll notice that the rest will follow suit. If people are calling this the movie of the year and you're the guy who says "I beg to differ" then next thing you know it wins best picture, then you're the guy who didn't like best picture of the year. Maybe your colleagues don't look up to you as much, maybe your readers don't trust your reviews anymore. I can sense a lot of insecurity in that industry.

Do you recall the story of the Emperor's New Clothes? It's about somebody who claims to create an outfit for an emperor that is made of the finest fabric in the land. When he shows the king, he sees nothing, but is told that it is because the fabric is so fine that the mere human eye cannot see it. So he puts on nothing. Then walks around with his balls stuck to the side of his leg and everybody's afraid to tell him because he's the Emperor and he rules the land and he knows better than you and who are you to bring up his fallacies?

I'm pretty sure the Black Swan is walking around with it's balls stuck to the side of its leg, but everybody's afraid to say something because it's a fancy movie. Much like the liberals who are afraid to say anything negative about Obama. Well he's not as bad a Bush and he seems to have good intentions and I'm sure he just wants to help us even though he passed a bill that is going to make tons of money for private insurance companies while weighing down the country with another forced payment to worry about instead of a public option, and he's yet to pass any substantial legislation regulating the financial industry because maaayyybee, just maaayyybee corporate interests have more power than him. Oops.

Yeah I know Black Swan is fancy, and yes I know our black president isn't as mean to us as our last husband, but folks ... a spades a spade.

A message from American, Ennio Williams

I keep whipping them out (is that the right term to use?)

New video thing

Check her out, why don't ya.

Another memo I didn't get. Well they probably gave it to me, but what fag reads memos?

Whether you caught it on the news, or became suspicious due to the lack of overabundant shouting on your television set, we're all well aware that one of the greatest TV personalities, Billy Mays has passed on. Be it from a small piece of overhead luggage tapping him on the head or a heavy duty cocaine overdose, either way, he's no longer here to sell us shit we didn't realize we needed.

This is all in the past. We're bummed out, but it's been long enough that we're pretty much over it by now. No more Billy May's shoutfest pitches and no more "Pitchmen" TV series.

- Uh Actually, Mark. Pitchmen's still on the air.

WHAT THE FUCK?!? Great, I swallowed my gum! What did I just hear?

- They're still airing new episodes of pitchmen.

Is it starring the ghost hunters? How the hell do you make a Billy Mays show without Billy Mays. That's like yanking the balls out of a ballsack.

- Well, Mark. There was another guy in the show as well.

Yeah, but nobody gave a shit about that guy. It was the Billy Mays show. When Billy Mays dies, you cancel it. Just like when they canceled "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter" after John Ritter died.

- Actually Mark ...

FUCK ME.

I hope you all enjoy the new season of "Nut-Free Skinflap".

Office Chat 15 - The band

I have been working on this series called "Office Chat" I make it using an application on this site called "extranormal.com" You can insert text and manipulate animated characters to say and do (mostly) whatever you like. It's primitive, but that's what I like about it. If the characters didnt sound so sterile, I don't think it would be as funny. And with no further ado, here is Episode 15

Piranha 3-D

I saw Piranha 3-D tonight. Though it is the 3rd installment in this franchise after a 30 some-odd year gap, it is not to be considered the 3rd in sequence regardless of the "3-D" placed in the title. This is one of those rare occasions where "3-D" is just an advertisement of the gimmick and not a clever play on words unlike "Friday the 13th 3-D" or "Jaws 3-D" or "Spy Kids" 3-D" or "World Trade Center 3-D" (was that in 3-D? I don't remember. Either way, it should have been.) This movie was a remake, or re-imagining. A re-re if you will.

Did I like it? Ehh, err, uh. Hmm. Nah. Probably not.

I wasn't disappointed because of huge expectations. It's not like this movie had much to live up to. Needless to say, the originals were retarded in their own right. They were cheap and fast Roger Corman produced movies. Roger Corman was the cream of the crop when it came to this type of film. I say cream of the crop because Diarrhea is also creamy and that's the best way to describe his movies. The only thing he gave a shit about is that they spent as little money as possible and got the films in and out of the theaters before anybody realized that they got duped. He would aim for the genres of popular films at the time and make his own $2 dollar version, print up an awesome poster, and run them at the drive in theaters. People who just saw Jaws would think "Oh, Jaws was great. This one's got the same vibe. I'll check it out" and man was the Original Piranha nothing like Jaws. But it didn't matter. Corman got people into the theater and by the time they warned their friends and family not to waste their time, the run was already over.

There is something interesting to note, however about the original Piranha's. By an odd coincidence, both movies were handled by master craftsmen. This was by no means the intention of Roger Corman. He just happened to be the first stop in a lot of young filmmakers careers and wound up with talents by the likes of Joe Dante (Piranha) and James Cameron (Piranha 2: The Spawning).

There's not much else to say about the originals. They were Jaws ripoff/ parodies. Forgettable, but cheesy fun. So what is there to say about the new one? Some big titted spring break fuckfaces get drunk in water and piranhas eat them. The plot? A twenty-something kid gets trapped on a boat with his younger siblings and a girl he likes. Their mom shows up to get them on a working boat, the girl he likes is stuck in a hard to reach part, but they all end up getting off the boat. Meanwhile the titty-beer people get eaten. I am not trying to be sarcastic by boiling it down to the shortest, most basic description - There really is nothing else to say about the movie. I thought when they got off that boat, the movie was going to kick into gear and actually start, but as soon as they got off the boat, the credits rolled and that was that.

What is most frustrating about the movie was that, unlike the originals, you can tell that some money was dumped into this production, but by no means was it spent wisely. Don't get me wrong, there is a high body count. The film is a bloodbath. But NOTHING HAPPENED. I usually hate when a movie like this plays by the numbers and rolls out some hashed up story that you've seen a thousand times, but I could have used something - anything - to make the sequence of events move along. They could have had some lame plan to kill the fish and save the lake, but no. The fish DO die, and you never saw it coming. Turns out as the kid escaped from the boat when he blew up those propane tanks, that was him killing the fish. When this is revealed you're like "Fucking seriously?" The least they could have done was have him say "I'm gonna blow up these tanks because it will kill all the fish" I still would have thought it was lame, but at least I would have known what the movie's intentions were. It's like you have a birthday party, then suddenly without warning, everybody just up and leaves. You go "Wait, no cake and ice cream?" and they say "Us showing up was the cake and ice cream".

Overall, a disappointing movie. Can't recommend it.