The Stinkywomb Times

The Search is Over

2011-07-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back, I went on a trip to New Hampshire where among many other things, I made a stop at a small sub shop where I had one of the best burgers I've eaten in a long time. Along with the burger, I purchased a bag of chips if for no other reason than to have an excuse to sing the old 1978 Rusty Tiggins song "Chips and a Burger" while I enjoyed my meal. If you haven't heard that song, here's one of the verses.

Chips and a burger. Chips and a burger.
Chips chips chips oh chips and a burger.
My wife makes my life misery
When I get home, I think I'm gonna murder.

What's special here is that the chips I bought were a flavor I never tried before called "All Dressed". When I tasted the first chip, my tongue walked out of my mouth, past my nose, slapped me in the eye and said "Fuck you for having been around all these years and never eating these before." My eyes crossed and I replied, "Well I'm glad you like them"
He got ever closer to me and said "Like em? It's like I've been jerking off my toe all my life, then one day I discovered my penis"

As you can tell from what my tongue told me, these chips were very satisfying. Based on the packaging artwork, "All dressed" is supposed to be a medley of different chip seasonings such as barbeque, salt and vinegar, sour cream and ketchup. Who would come up with such a concept? Answer: The Canadians, Jim. The Canadians.

There is a potato chip subculture in Canada that rivals their love of hockey and the word "eh". The seemingly endless chip flavor variety ranges from Indian Masala chips, to roast chicken with a lot of stops in between. Why so many interesting choices? Coming from the heads of the guys who think health care is a right, there's no telling.

Occasionally, the Candians' zany chip flavors make their way into the US. You may recognize some such as "Dill Pickle" and "Ketchup". Though most of their flavors stay up north as they cannot muster the courage the tolerate the berating customs officers shouting things such as "Immigrant faggot" and "Pinko faggot!" So we shouldn't take for granted the few flavors that have defied the border.

Having discovered the border defying All Dressed chips, one bag was simply not enough. On my way home, I stopped by that same sub shop to buy a few more bags, but alas, they were closed. I carefully squeezed out a spite shit onto their entryway.

As I drove away, everything looked like a bag of all dressed chips to me. The cars passing by. The painted lines in the road. All of the strippers in the 6 clubs that I stopped in on the way home from my 100 mile trip, normally a 2 hour drive that spanned several days. Everything.

My veins were growing lonely and they desparately needed a visitor. (In this metaphor, the chips are heroin). I couldn't find all dressed chips in any of the local stores. I was about to give up. But then the Mexican that I hire to change the lightbulbs in my head showed up - late as usual. He unscrewed the smashed bulb floating above me and replaced it with a shiny new one. He flicked my nipple to turn the light on, smoked a funny smelling cigarette, put his clothes back on, and walked away. Then BOOM! It hit me! What if I were to contact the company that produces these chips?

In this case, it was Humpty Dumpty. I called them up and spoke with a representative. I explained my admiration for their product and how I was having trouble finding them in my area. I told them I would have no issue buying a small case and paying shipping charges. After a silent moment, they flat out told me no and hung up. I immediately shot myself in the head.

Weeks later, I woke up to a man in a white coat shining a flashlight in my eyes. I asked him "Where am I?" "You're in the hospital," he said "You tried to kill yourself and fucked up once again" Already ignoring him, I was surfing the TV channels with the bedside remote. "Does this get skinemax?" I asked him. His shoulders lowered and he sighed as he said "Fuck this job," while exiting the room.

A few minutes after the doctor left, I ripped the IV's out of my arms and brain and filled a trash bag with medical supplies which I slung over my shoulder as I leapt out of the hospital room window. Not realizing which floor I was on, I fell 4 stories onto the sidewalk knocking down the doctor who had recently checked me.

The next day I laid in a full body cast shouting at a nurse who wouldn't flip to the next page of "Raunchy Whores Vol. 9 Issue 8" for me. As she stormed out I exclaimed "You don't flip the page for me and I will leave a gift in the bedpan that will make you want to quit!" It didn't work. She slammed the door and I was forced to turn the pages with the straw in my mouth.

There was a knock on my door. It was my boss coming in to tell me that he had to let me go after he saw that my absence brought productivity up. I knew this was coming and I was surprised I got away with it for as many years as I did. When he turned to leave, I was readying a loogie in my straw, aiming for the back of his head, but he turned back and asked "How did you get into this whole mess anyway?" I explained to him the All Dressed Chips story and he nodded saying "Yeah, I love those chips"
"Oh, you've tried them before?"
"Yeah. They sell them at the gas station on 110 across from the movie theater"

You're fucking kidding me.

I bought three bags yesterday and will from now on frequent that place as the "Potato chips guy who always uses our bathroom".

In Defense of Pirates

2011-05-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

Let me begin with expressing my disinterest and nigh hatred for the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Curse of the Black Pearl:

I was excited to see a big pirate movie. There hadn't been a pirate movie in a long time, it was a dead genre. And to my knowledge there had never been a pirate movie made on this large a scale. This was a big deal and Johnny Depp's character looked awesome.

Then I walked out of the theater. So Johnny Depp was okay ... but ... who the fuck is Orlando Blumpkin and Skinny Tits? Why did they take up so much screen time? I hated them. I wanted more Johnny Depp. There was hardly ANY pirate stuff in this movie. I wanted pirate stuff. I am severely disappointed.

Dead Man's Chest:

Hmmm, a sequel? Well I guess it's just gonna be Johnny Depp the whole time because Fuck Face and Skinny Tits' story has already been told and they were sent on their merry way. Well, with them out of the way the movie HAS to be better.

Then I stumbled out of the theater. WHY THE FUCK WERE SKINNY TITS AND FUCKERNUTTER STILL IN THE MOVIE!?? It was so fucking long, nothing happened, I was confused the whole time. Johnny Depp was okay, but the story didn't end, they just left you on a cliffhanger and answered the question they left you with at the end. Yes, Johnny Depp died, but don't worry we'll bring him back to life. AND THERE WASN'T ENOUGH PIRATE STUFF!

At Worlds End:

Are SKELETON NIPS AND FUCKLEBERRY HOUND in it? Yes? No need to watch it.

So that's my summarized history with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. By no way am I a cheerleader for the franchise. You'd think with the relatively unhealthy relationship I have with them, I wouldn't give two wet hemorrhoids about another sequel. However, as noted in the trailer, Titty Lips and Shit Ass are nowhere to be found. This perked my ears. Black Beard is in it. This made my tail stand up. Johnny Depp is still around. Good, good. The fountain of youth. Fun, interesting. Mermaids and Zombies. Alright, they suckered my in.

I checked it out on Friday and was thoroughly entertained. It was all Johnny Depp. His Jack Sparrow is awesome. One of the most unique and memorable characters in cinema history. There was TONS of pirate stuff. Sword Fights, Mutinies, Treasure, Poop Deck Swabbing, you name it, they had it. The action was fun. The characters were fun. The quest for the fountain of youth was very much Indiana Jones-ey and as a matter of fact, this movie was better than the last Indiana Jones.

So ... why all the hate? And why do I find the need to defend a billion dollar movie from a bunch of internet bullies? By all means, this should have been the only Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I feel like the first three were experiments until they finally got it right.

The feeling that I get is that most people are now tired of the franchise and can't be bothered with another, but the irony therein is the majority of these folks participated in the general consensus that Fast Five is the best entry yet in that diarrhea pile of a movie series. History doesn't lie, especially when it was only two weeks ago. Take a moment, if you will to go to rottentomatoes.com and check out the ratings meter for both movies. Today it stands at this: Fast Five - 79% With a nice fresh tomato next to it and Pirates - 34% With a big green splat. You can go past that site to analyze as many reviews as you want, but rotten tomatoes sums it up right there with a big, bold PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I happened to see Fast Five, and it is without argument, one of the dumbest, most poorly made, meat-headed, piece of shit installments from a series of tank top wearing, upper tooth rotting, car accident inducing movies you will EVER SEE. Don't get me wrong. I was entertained. But in the way that I enjoy watching a morbidly obese man wipe powdered sugar off his chest flaps while he guzzles down a hunk of fried dough trying to enjoy it despite a sandy windstorm, which in fact I gandered at a week or so ago from a street corner whilst holding opera glasses to my eyes. Why is this entertaining to me? Because it defies nature. By all means it shouldn't be. In fact the cogs of the universe almost seem like they're specifically trying to make sure it DOESN'T HAPPEN. Yet somehow a movie where two guys hook a giant vault up to their cars and whip it around city blocks, knocking other cars out of the way and crushing buildings with no physical repercussions to their own vehicles, gets good reviews and simultaneously a human sack of cheeseburgers galoots around in this world with a functioning heart.

Fast five is almost three hours long and I'm pretty sure an hour of that is establishing shots. I fucking get it, you're in RIO and there's a giant Jesus. They could have told the same story in a half hour or less. I don't say that sarcastically. If somebody wanted, they could cut the movie on their own to a half hour and not lose a bit of story. Yet sites such as the A.V. Club say this about it,

"Fast Five may be lizard-brain escapism—and there’s something unsettling about how it lays waste to Rio’s desperately poor favelas—but nonsense this well-orchestrated is a rare and precious thing."

Giving the movie a B+

The same site reviewed the new Pirates of the Caribbean and here's what they had to say,

"POTC was never about nuance, and now it’s even less so: It’s about watching Depp fall into peril and wriggle his way out, over and over, for hours. Tides is a smaller film than past installments, by design and necessity. Which often makes it feel lightweight, but that’s still better than bloated."

They rated Pirates a straight C.

This is just one example of many. You can make whatever argument you like regarding the new Pirates movie. Like it or hate it. But you can't do the same with Fast Five. Fast Five is simply bad. You can enjoy watching it. I did. I laughed my ass off. But it is just not a good movie and taste can't come in to play. With food, somebody can enjoy or dislike a certain chili or casserole, but nobody can make an argument for a piece of shit. A literal piece of shit. If you tried to defend it, nobody would look at you the same.

"Oh come on, man. It's good. Give it a shot. It's an acquired taste."
"No ... that's okay, Willy. You can leave now."
"If only you would give shit a chance. You fuckers needs ta read Green Eggs and Ham"

I, for one, thought they did a great job with the new Pirates of the Caribbean. However, there are a lot of critics out there who will tell you otherwise. And for the record, they all have shit stains on their teeth.

The Death of Macho Man Randy Savage

2011-05-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

The too soon department brings to you all of the things that have been going through my head since I heard about the death of Macho Man Randy Savage. As sad as it is, he's just one of those people you make cracks about when they die like Osama Bin Laden and Clowns.

Crash Into A Palm Tree!

Yet more proof that you shouldn't have a heart attack while driving.

He could be faking it. He used to get paid to do that.

And ...

Will The Undertaker be at his funeral?

We just kid, though. There's a certain grieving widow who wouldn't appreciate these jokes. Along with a whole crew of people who are now out of work ... scratch that, just a widow.

THOR

2011-05-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

How perfect to have walked out of "THOR" to a lightning storm. The kind where the clouds are almost black and the lightning bolts are visible. Just poetic. It was like walking out of a porn theater to a blowjob.

The movie was good. I had no issues with it. It's not a movie that I would want to watch over and over, but the action, visuals and performances were very satisfying. And let me say, that is something for everyone involved to be proud of because by all means this movie should have sucked. It's based on a relatively uninteresting comic book character with a stereotypical backstory. The only reason most comic readers know about Thor is because he happens to pop up in stories about characters they actually care about. I've never met somebody who had this guy in their list of favorite comic book characters beside the girl from Adventures in Babysitting. So to take a character and story with which there isn't a significant amount of support from the fanbase and make a movie that is genuinely entertaining in all aspects - they deserve a reward.

Marvel studios does a good job at wedging in little things for the fans without causing head scratchers for the average movie goer and they dropped a few shiny nuggets in this one that made me smile. Like all of their movies so far, you can wait through the credits for a post script scene. They chose to further THOR's story with this moment rather than just show the ear hair of some character that might show up in a new movie down the road. I found that to be bittersweet, but it was worth holding my pee for a few extra minutes.

SPOILER:

I found the rape scene between Thor and the frost Giant to be in poor taste. It was extremely graphic and I have no idea how they got away with a PG-13. I almost left the theater when he pulled a gun on the frost giant afterward and said "Thor forgot to wear a condom. Thor doesn't want any kids" then proceeded to shoot the giant in the stomach. Messed up. What was he even doing with a gun on Asgard?

END SPOILER.

No matter who you are, comic fan or not, as long as you're up for a big fun action adventure film, you will enjoy this one. Definitely give it a shot.

Next up we have X-Men and Captain America to look forward to. I have hopes for Captain America and I would be shocked if X-Men didn't pick me up and punch me in the chest right in front of my mom. (That means I think it's gonna be awesome)

Good Luck, Avengers Movie

2011-04-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

For the past 5 years or so, Marvel and DC alike have been releasing direct to video features based on their most popular properties. Though there have been a few misses, these videos for the most part are eye socket shattering hits. I mean that in the sense that they are more entertaining than most live action comic book movies I've seen. When I first watched Marvel's animated Iron Man feature, I was SURE that it was going to be better than soon to be Robert Downey Junior Iron Man. Fortunately they did an awesome job with the live action movie, but it should be noted that these are so well done they make me doubt their blockbuster counterparts.

Recently Marvel began producing an Avengers animated series, and yet again it is so well done that I doubt the Avengers movie will be anywhere near as good. In fact I don't see this Summer's Captain America or Thor matching the quality that you'll find in the new Avengers cartoon.

You'd think live action movies would hold an upper hand to cartoons, but the problem with movies oftentimes is that there's so much money involved, they get micromanaged by the uncreative people who write the checks. Think about all the rich people you know, if any, and ask yourself if they could write, act, or direct their way out of a wet paper bag with a tear on the bottom. If they could, well then fuck you for proving me wrong.

With animation, there is still a certain amount of bullshit, but it doesn't exist anywhere near on the same level as 100 million dollar movies. Typically, the creators tasked with targeting a specific audience for their content and they are left alone. It's different if you are making a show for 5 year olds as compared to 13 year olds or (if you're lucky) a cartoon for adults. Other than that it's just a matter of getting the shit out in time and if you're fortunate enough to be managed by a group of people who care then you get to make an awesome show. We happen to live in a time where Marvel and DC animation is for the most part taken seriously enough to produce content that can go toe to toe with the big guns at the cineplex.

If you haven't already, give the Avengers: Earths Mightiest Heroes a chance. You won't be disappointed. And while you're at it, try these features and series of recent years:

The Invincible Iron Man
Dr. Strange
Next Avengers
Hulk Vs.
Wolverine and The X-Men
Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes
Justice League & Justice League Unlimited
Every Single DC Showcase Short
Justice League New Frontier
Green Lantern First Flight
Batman Under the Red Hood
Batman: The Brave and the Bold
WonderWoman
Batman Gotham Knight
Justice League Crisis On Two Earths

It's all FUCKING amazing.

'Nuff Said

2011-04-24T09:01:00.001-07:00

You Flush it, I Flaunt it

2011-04-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

I made a quick stop at the New England Depression-con today. If you're not familiar with "Depression-Con" that's probably because the proper title is the "Seacoast Collectible Show". It's a comic book, and sports memorabilia show that dares to depress the fuck out of you with it's one, two, three, kill yourself combination of mopey atmosphere, sluggish people and crusty things for sale.

I always end up going into these things excited and leaving with a deflated balloon in my hand and a face streaked with tear-soaked mascara. It's because I build it up so much. "There's gonna be all these awesome comics and artists and toys and holy shit, SUNDAY WILL ROCK!" I drive there with an ear to ear grin, then as soon as I step into the place and look around, my grin is shattered by the environment of reeses peanut butter cup induced guts, pit-and-tit-sweat-stained superhero t shirts, old carboard and sad man-child toys that deserve to be thrown away.

And man did I find some Gems this time around.

First up is Bob. The Joker's right hand man in the 1989 Batman. I remember in kindergarten some girl brought this toy to school and gave it to me, why, I don't know, but it's a distinct memory of mine. I kept the thing for a while until life happened and it disappeared. I bought it back today for five bucks off this guy who got into a smile-faced passive aggressive argument with me about which episode of Batman the animated series was the first. Long story short - he was wrong and he charges too much for his shitty action figures.

Needless to say, I am excited to bring Bob back into my life and one day hope to relieve my stress by shooting him in the head just as Joker did.

Oddly enough, there is a photo on the back showing Bob in action and if you look closely, he is way shittier than the Bob that comes in the package.

It was smart of them to lower a kid's expectations because the Bob they get is quite a sad affair to begin with.

Moving along. If you didn't think I could top Bob, you were right because my other purchase was a set of Total Recall trading Cards.

Yes it's true. I can now carry my favorite moments from one of the Mars-iest movies ever made in my wallet like they were photos of my own children. I can picture myself being held at gunpoint and flipping open my wallet to show these cards

"Please, mistah. I have Total Recall trading cards"

"Isn't that the movie with the chick that has three tits?"

"Yeah, mistah. It is"

"I liked that movie"

BLAMM! (That was the sound of him shooting me anyways)

The best part of this set isn't even the cards. Included in the box is a shit ton of Total Recall memorabilia including:

A Receipt from Rekall

A Ticket To Mars

MARS MONEY!

And Last, also just as least:

A ROCK FROM MARS!

I know it's a real Mars rock because the sticker on it says so. If you dare question it, I will punch all of the Karate lessons right out of you!

Not a bad set - if you suck just as much as me. I do have a major complaint however. Missing from the cards are 2 important images.

Number one: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger's bloated face as he is about to explode in the vacuum of Mars' air free atmosphere. That is one of the most iconic images from the movie. They have a card of Ronny Cox's face blowing up, so there's no excuse as to why Arnold's is absent.

And Number Two: The chick with 3 tits. I know they would claim she was not included because these trading cards are directed toward kids, but don't even try me. A kid's gonna buy these cards because he saw the movie, which means he saw the titties, which means he intends to throw away everything BUT the titty card. Imagine the look of disappointment on that kid's mug. And let's just say some kid bought these blindly having not seen the film. Guess what, Janice - After he sees these cards, the first thing he's gonna do is find his Dad's copy of Total Recall from under his bed and watch it right away. In both cases, the kid is witness to the titties, so there was NO excuse to keep that card out of the set. Poorly played, boys. Real sad.

Those were my finds from Depression Con. Hope you enjoyed them. I know I will until my next house fire.

Before I go, since I've been on the topic of Total Recall, I just want to remind everybody that, YES, they are remaking that movie, and YES everybody involved can go FAG themselves.

Cap'n Merrrica

2011-03-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

They released the new trailer for Captain America which I am pretty fine with, though I have to admit it sure does lack in the haymaker department. One uppercut is all we need to quench our thirst for fist. That's all we ask.

The one real problem I have is at the end of the trailer, they reveal the release date for Captain AMERICA. And that day is July (Drumroll) 22nd (fart). Really, guys? July 22nd? Now I'm a simple man and I don't know much. I know how to roll a cigarette with my toes. I know how to tell my wife what I want for dinner. And I know that Captain AMERICA comes out on THE FOURTH OF JULY!

I don't give a shit about the marketing tactics.

"Well you see here if we release the film on July Fourth we'll be competing with the Smurfs Vs. The Carebears III: Revenge of He-Man. I believe that releasing the film on the 22nd will increase the profit potential"

Whoah, whoah, whoah. I didn't catch any of that. All I heard you say was "I'm a fag and I like pink" Well guess what, FAG - I like RED WHITE AND BLUE. Do you know what that spells? It spells F-U-C-K-Y-O-U and you know what date FUCK YOU falls on the calendar? JULY 4th, Francis.

You put this movie out on the 22nd, you might as well have Santa come to town in August while you're at it. Why don't we just throw everything we know down the toilet? Except for my dude magazines. Keep your faggot fingers off my dude mags.

New Pooperman

2011-01-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

They hired some British guy for the new Superman. I'm not sure how I feel about the new Superman to begin with given that it is likely to have a bunch of slow motion shots and CGI backdrops as is the nature of Zak Snyder.

But a Brit for Superman? I don't know. I hate to sound like a dick, but I'd be just as bummed out if they hired an American to play James Bond. Some roles are cultural.

Although, Robert Downey Jr. did do a good job as Sherlock Holmes. I guess I don't have any clout in this opinion.

Forget I said anything.

Brandon Routh was fine, bring him back.

Okay, I'm going now.

This movie will probably be lame, but I'm gonna check it out anyway.

Sorry, you can go back to what you were doing.

Boobies.

Ha! I got your attention again! Okay, now I'm done.

They stole it from us

2011-01-22T11:13:00.001-08:00

I'm not a fan of the elitism that derives from special clubs, groups, orginizations, subcultures, classes, schools, cliques and the such. Which is why I don't like to call myself a geek due to the stigma associated with that term. However, based on the content and volume of media that I consume, one could rightfully call me a geek and I wouldn't have much headway to defend myself.

There are a handful of movies that I watch over and over again for which I have a genuine admiration. I understand that pretty much any movie that is even slightly mainstream has been viewed by thousands if not millions of people. Movie making is a business and the point is to attain as much exposure as possible to sell tickets, videos and related merchandise. That said, there are some movies that have come and gone, and are dead in the eye of the general public. Some of these movies turn to dust and blow away never to be seen again. Yet, a smaller few are held together on life support by a small community of people who care for and nurture these movies. It is that group of films, what used to be called the "Cult" film, that lacks mainstream exposure, but is adored and tended to by people who appreciate the movie a thousand times more than your average eat-it-up-shit-it-out moviegoer.

When I say underground, underexposed movies with an adoring audience used to be called "Cult Films" what I mean is that there is an ever expanding relationship with the community of insecure 17 - 38 year old's who are on a constant, desperate scavenge to be hip cool knowitalls about the latest pop culture fad and the corporate entities who own these "Cult" films wherein T Shirts, Posters, Special Edition DVD's, albums and more are shared in an "I won't tell if you won't tell" agreement which posits the idea that overnight hundreds of thousands of people suddenly discovered and are the ipso experts on, say "Evil Dead" or "Escape From New York" thereby negating such a movie's "Cult" status because, Charlie, no longer is a small group of adoring watchers keeping this movie alive. It's moved up to the next tier of film status which, for sake of conversation, we can call "Above Cult".

What causes this phenomenon more often than not comes in the form of an announcement of a remake or sequel to a property typically 15 years or older. A more recent example I can conjure would be "Tron". We heard about the Tron sequel close to 2 years before it's release date. This gave our Above Cult boys and girls to come out of the woodwork and profess their endless Tron fanhood. You would think they were there when it first came out. Sadly, most of these folks wouldn't have been born yet. The thing about Tron is, it's not a very good movie. The only people after, say 1996, who would even give it the time of day would be extreme nostalgists or Uber Geeks. After the dazzle of the, now extremely dated, special effects wore off, there really isn't much there for your standard movie goer. He goes into the computer, everything looks computer-y. He awkwardly stumbles around and stops the bad guy from stealing his program. The end.

Why would so many people claim they were the world's biggest Tron Fan? Their insecurity doesn't allow for them to humbly admit that maybe they know nothing about the original, but are somewhat intrigued by the look of the new movie. No. They "used to have Tron birthday parties" and "Dressed up as a Tron character for halloween" and some other bullshit that you can neither prove nor disprove and to do anything other than take their word for it isn't worth your energy.

Here's a good test for this specific "Tron" example. Tron was released on DVD once many years before the idea of a sequel was mentioned and can only be found on ebay at the going rate just shy of $100. If they claim to be such a huge Tron fan, ask to borrow their copy of the DVD because it is out of print and you can't find it anywhere. A hardcore Tron fan might say "No, I don't want you to scratch it, but I'll try to burn you one". A pseudo Tron fan will stutter and possibly pee in the Tron pants they bought at the mall last week.

I'm not writing this to prove my Tron fandom, I'm not much of a fan at all. Just a casual viewer who has seen it once or twice and saw the new one and pretty much enjoyed them. I only use that movie as an example because it harbors all of the traits of the larger point I am trying to make which is how hard it is to watch something you love get swallowed up and spit out by the general public who put your shoes on for a few months and return them with weird white stains that are impossible to remove.

It's like living in a quaint New England town that becomes victim to the trend of rich couples moving in. Their friends and friends' friends hear about the same town and next thing you know the property values have gone up so high that you can no longer afford to live in the town that generations of your family were raised in.

Another example I can use is the "Doug Effect". There is an episode of the cartoon, Doug (A show which has also been raped by trendsters) where a character in a TV show, by coincidence, starts dressing like Doug. Everybody at school assumes that Doug is dressing that way because he was inspired by the TV character. He is adamant that he has always dressed the way he does, but nobody believes him. Suddenly everybody in school is dressing like him. It drives him nuts so he tries to come up with a new look. By the time he does, the fad is over and he goes back to dressing like himself.

That's what happens to the movies we love sometimes. I am watching it happen right now to "Monster Squad" a movie I watched on TV countless times as a kid. I remember one day I was sorting through a bargain VHS bin where I found a copy of it and freaked out. I watched it over and over, tried to get other people to watch it and most were simply uninterested. I was fine with that. Maybe it sucked, but I didn't care. I enjoyed it and that's all that mattered. Cut to years later, suddenly it's "cool" to like the Universal monsters and Monster Squad is being dug out of obscurity for a DVD release. I was just as enthusiastic as finding the VHS copy because now I could see it in widescreen and listen to the director's commentary. But I noticed something odd. I started bumping into Monster Squad "Experts". "Where the fuck have you been?" I would think until it hit me. "Oh no, Monster Squad is going to be chewed up and spit out soon". Then, wouldn't ya know it - There is a Monster Squad remake on the way.

Now I'm ready to hear people tell me about their Monster Squad birthday themed parties they had as a kid as I nod silently while veins expand in my forehead. The matter of the fact was, Monster Squad was a box office failure. It was the last movie with any notoriety that was written and directed by Fred Dekker because of how much of a failure it was. It hardly scraped by in video tape sales. The only real fans were the little kids who found it on HBO when nobody was home. It was a small audience, but an adoring audience.

Why does this upset me? Shouldn't I be happy that the culture is now beginning to discover this much deserved movie? I should, but I'm not because I know for a fact that it's not being appreciated in the true sense of the word. The people who are now starting to take this movie on are only doing it for fad's sake. It will be forgotten about again once the next so called nostalgic fad hits the streets. I will only be witness to something being torn apart, eaten up and shit out by a group of people pretending to be something they aren't and care about something they don't.

Aside from remakes, there are other causes for once "Cult" movies to be placed on an Above cult pedestal such as an actor or director's death. This instance is even worse because it requires somebody do die in order to get noticed. I can see when Michael Keaton passes away, the same people who spit and shit on the Tim Burton Batman in the wake of the newfangled Christopher Nolan series will suddenly say "You know what ... maybe Michael Keaton was a better Batman than Christian Bale" to which I will respond with a chainsaw.

The sad thing about the Above Cult movie trend is that there is no stopping it. It is, however, important to observe it and point it out. It would be a crime if we were ignorant to this because there would be no way to distinguish between the people who truly care about something and the proverbial cult movie locusts who come and go in a blink having swallowed and shit out what you love most.

If you watch a movie under superficial pretenses, you may as well announce your hatred for it because you're only hurting the movie and the people who truly appreciate it. The movies I watch over and over again - the ones I give more attention to (If I ever had a kid, I would totally play favorites) I watch because I love them and that alone is my motivation to play them on loop when I'm working on a project or fall asleep to them every night. The only reason any of us should appreciate something is because of the meaning it holds to us as an individual and not how it affects the way you are perceived by the people around you. In other words, go find your own treehouse, douchebag.

Twins

2011-01-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

Free time on my hands ...

Oh...

2011-01-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

The trailer to Big Momma's House 3: Bigger and Mamma'er has finally been released on the internet. Myself, I couldn't wait for it to launch online, so I went to the theater to see Country Strong because I knew the Big Momma's house trailer was set to play there. Watching Country Strong felt like smoking a cigarette with your asshole which is subjective depending if you enjoy that or not.

But man was the Big Momma's house 3 trailer mind blowing and a half. I've been waiting for this one since they left us on the cliffhanger that was Big Momma's house 2. Since I walked out of the theater, the only question on my mind was "Well? Does the homeless man fuck her or not?" I just can't wait. I already have my tickets to Sundance so I can catch the premiere of the final installment in the BMH Trilogy.

I have the trailer linked below. I only had one problem, I couldn't tell which one was which, so I posted 2 videos. One of them is the Big Momma's House 3 trailer ... I think.

Enjoy.

If it bleeds, we can kill it...

2011-01-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

Justin Bieber was hospitalized. It really happened - check it out.

What this means is clear. All of the rumors that he was invincible have been proven false. According to the news, he was filming an episode of CSI when he had breathing troubles due to an allergic reaction. What caused that reaction, we're still not sure, but what we know is that he's allergic to something, which is promising. Some have supposed it could be a food allergy, others believe the reaction was caused by his trying to express human emotion on camera. More details as they arrive.

Excuse my excitement, but right now I feel like Lex Luthor when he discovered kryptonite.

Suck on Nostalgia

2011-01-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

As I was perusing the ever expanding internet tonight, I stumbled across this nice little throwback.

It reminded me of the days when a movie was about to start on TV, it was a BIG FUCKING DEAL. Like, get ready kids, here comes a MOOOOOOOOOVIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! And your eyes would widen and wind would come out of the TV that left your hair blown back. So I guess that meant hairspray would come out of the TV as well. Wind and hairspray.

I always swore I knew which movie it was going to be, too. My guesses were either "Superman, Rocky, Scrooged, or Hot to Trot" And most of the time, I was right.

Now when a movie starts on TV, the TV's like "Whatever, here's a movie. It's like a show but longer" followed by a fart sound. Not even a significant one either. Just a little half-rip squeek. "Watch a movie - faaaarrrrt" And the fart isn't pungent either, it's just a faint whiff of a basement or a potato chip.

"Is somebody eating chips?"

"No a movie just started on TV. We'll watch a quarter of it and get bored, then move onto doing something gay on our cell phone while the movie still plays in the background"

I think that's what the problem is, now. There are so many distractions that people just don't give a shit anymore, so they stopped hiring a hairspray man to reload their tv set once a week. That also explains why TV's are so thin these days. You don't need to fill them with awesomeness anymore, so there's no need for all that extra space.

It's a shame, really.

Ghostbastards

2011-01-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

I've come to terms with the sad fact that some talents lose their juice when they age - Speilberg and Lucas are prime examples.

I wish somebody could do a study because there has to be some science to this. Like a gland that just dries up after 45. Or instead of producing chemicals that inspire good ideas, it starts to spill out poison after a certain number of years.

"Ow, my brain hurts"

"That's just the bad ideas, Georgie, you'll grow numb to that feeling over time"

As cool as Harold Ramis, and Dan Aykroyd are ... they've contributed some of the most mediocre comedies ever made in the last 2 decades. Not to mention Ivan Reitman who , let's face it, has really only made 3 or 4 good movies in a sea of dozens of titles that only make people laugh when you use them as a punchline. How easy is it to make fun of "Twins"? Very.

At this point, do we trust a new Ghostbuters script approved of by these guys?

Bill Murray's the only one I have faith in, but I bet he can be bullied into making a stinker with the right paycheck.

Worst of all, word on the street is this new movie will be about new Ghostbuster recruits being passed the torch. Fuck that. I don't want to see Michael Cera (because we all know, that dipshit will be picked) wearing a proton pack. Nor do we want it to be a slick updated white shiny proton pack that looks like something Apple made. And all the other new Ghostbusters will have douchebag haircuts, no doubt. (Is it just me getting old, or do haircuts piss other people off was well?)

There is a way this movie could work, but I doubt they would do it. I apologize ... there's no need to bother you with the fanfiction writer in me.

Let's pray Indiana Jones 4 - 2: Ghostbusters 3, never comes to be. Because no matter how much I bitch about it, you know I'm gonna go to the theater to see the damn thing and I don't think you'll be able to bear the whine heard around the world emitted from my nasal passages.

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2011-01-12/does-the-world-really-want-ghostbusters-3/

http://www.timesdaily.com/article/20110113/ARTICLES/301139997/1004?Title%3DSave-us-Bill-from-a-third-Ghostbusters-

The Black Swan and Obama

2011-01-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

I saw Black Swan last night, not necessarily with expectations too high to meet, but pretty much knowing I was going to see a good movie. With all the award nominations and amazing reviews, and being a fan of the director, it was a sure shot that I would be entertained.

That said, am I the only asshole who can see through this movie? Within the first few minutes you can tell that this movie is for Fancy people. And when I use the word fancy, I mean it in the most derogatory way possible. To quote David Letterman in Cabin Boy - "Man oh man, do I hate me a fancy lad". It just had that certain air of arrogance to it that goes hand in hand with the performers and spectators of ballet, opera and any other art form that dictates you to wear a scarf when you talk about it.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and admire what these dancers do which is why as much of a turn-off the arrogance of it all can be, I was still optimistic to see what was going to happen in the movie.

Without ruining much, it's a story about a girl in a highly competitive dance company who gets a leading role and tortures herself to give the best performance she can which requires her to step outside of herself to "explore her darkside" or some such nonsense.

The movie rides on multiple themes, or story lines, but it fails to really focus on one, which was my major problem with the story. You have her relationship with her obsessed mother, the relationship with her pushy director, the competition with a fellow dancer, and the personal struggle which is dipping into insanity. All of these are fine conflicts to line together in a story, but it never seems to focus on one, so when the story comes to a climax you find yourself asking what the story is trying to tell you. Is this whole thing just a stew of metaphors that is intended to make us understand the struggle of a ballet dancer? Is there anything tangible going on? As nice as a metaphor can be, you still need an actual story for the viewer to follow. I hate to break it down so simplistically, but time and time again, we've learned the basics to tell a good story and when you stray too far, you lose your audience.

To compliment the movie, it was shot well and has some disturbing visuals that are more impressive than anything you'll see in a horror movie these days. I think that's about all the positive stuff I can say. I'm sitting here trying to conjure something positive to say about the acting, but it's pretty much 2 hours of Natalie Portman furrowing her brows. It wasn't her fault, there really was no dialogue to work with. Aside from her, none of the other actors have any significant moments in the story. So here I am trying to dig for compliments and I'm back to complaining about the thing.

Now to my main point which is the reception of this film. As I mentioned before, I was sure I was going to see a good movie. Basically, people are saying this is, if not the best movie of the year, most definitely a movie that will be nominated for best picture. I don't have much faith in the academy awards anymore, but it remains to be THE major ceremony honoring the best movies of the year, so it will always have my attention.

Why does everybody love this movie so damn much? Am I missing something here? I'm gonna go ahead and say it's not me this time. As you recall, I dubbed this is a fancy film. Oftentimes critics are afraid to stand out from the herd. And when one or two major critics steps up and raves or boos something, you'll notice that the rest will follow suit. If people are calling this the movie of the year and you're the guy who says "I beg to differ" then next thing you know it wins best picture, then you're the guy who didn't like best picture of the year. Maybe your colleagues don't look up to you as much, maybe your readers don't trust your reviews anymore. I can sense a lot of insecurity in that industry.

Do you recall the story of the Emperor's New Clothes? It's about somebody who claims to create an outfit for an emperor that is made of the finest fabric in the land. When he shows the king, he sees nothing, but is told that it is because the fabric is so fine that the mere human eye cannot see it. So he puts on nothing. Then walks around with his balls stuck to the side of his leg and everybody's afraid to tell him because he's the Emperor and he rules the land and he knows better than you and who are you to bring up his fallacies?

I'm pretty sure the Black Swan is walking around with it's balls stuck to the side of its leg, but everybody's afraid to say something because it's a fancy movie. Much like the liberals who are afraid to say anything negative about Obama. Well he's not as bad a Bush and he seems to have good intentions and I'm sure he just wants to help us even though he passed a bill that is going to make tons of money for private insurance companies while weighing down the country with another forced payment to worry about instead of a public option, and he's yet to pass any substantial legislation regulating the financial industry because maaayyybee, just maaayyybee corporate interests have more power than him. Oops.

Yeah I know Black Swan is fancy, and yes I know our black president isn't as mean to us as our last husband, but folks ... a spades a spade.

A message from American, Ennio Williams

2010-09-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

I keep whipping them out (is that the right term to use?)

2010-08-29T05:10:00.000-07:00

New video thing

2010-08-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

Check her out, why don't ya.

Another memo I didn't get. Well they probably gave it to me, but what fag reads memos?

2010-08-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

Whether you caught it on the news, or became suspicious due to the lack of overabundant shouting on your television set, we're all well aware that one of the greatest TV personalities, Billy Mays has passed on. Be it from a small piece of overhead luggage tapping him on the head or a heavy duty cocaine overdose, either way, he's no longer here to sell us shit we didn't realize we needed.

This is all in the past. We're bummed out, but it's been long enough that we're pretty much over it by now. No more Billy May's shoutfest pitches and no more "Pitchmen" TV series.

- Uh Actually, Mark. Pitchmen's still on the air.

WHAT THE FUCK?!? Great, I swallowed my gum! What did I just hear?

- They're still airing new episodes of pitchmen.

Is it starring the ghost hunters? How the hell do you make a Billy Mays show without Billy Mays. That's like yanking the balls out of a ballsack.

- Well, Mark. There was another guy in the show as well.

Yeah, but nobody gave a shit about that guy. It was the Billy Mays show. When Billy Mays dies, you cancel it. Just like when they canceled "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter" after John Ritter died.

- Actually Mark ...

FUCK ME.

I hope you all enjoy the new season of "Nut-Free Skinflap".

Office Chat 15 - The band

2010-08-22T18:45:00.000-07:00

I have been working on this series called "Office Chat" I make it using an application on this site called "extranormal.com" You can insert text and manipulate animated characters to say and do (mostly) whatever you like. It's primitive, but that's what I like about it. If the characters didnt sound so sterile, I don't think it would be as funny. And with no further ado, here is Episode 15

Piranha 3-D

2010-08-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

I saw Piranha 3-D tonight. Though it is the 3rd installment in this franchise after a 30 some-odd year gap, it is not to be considered the 3rd in sequence regardless of the "3-D" placed in the title. This is one of those rare occasions where "3-D" is just an advertisement of the gimmick and not a clever play on words unlike "Friday the 13th 3-D" or "Jaws 3-D" or "Spy Kids" 3-D" or "World Trade Center 3-D" (was that in 3-D? I don't remember. Either way, it should have been.) This movie was a remake, or re-imagining. A re-re if you will.

Did I like it? Ehh, err, uh. Hmm. Nah. Probably not.

I wasn't disappointed because of huge expectations. It's not like this movie had much to live up to. Needless to say, the originals were retarded in their own right. They were cheap and fast Roger Corman produced movies. Roger Corman was the cream of the crop when it came to this type of film. I say cream of the crop because Diarrhea is also creamy and that's the best way to describe his movies. The only thing he gave a shit about is that they spent as little money as possible and got the films in and out of the theaters before anybody realized that they got duped. He would aim for the genres of popular films at the time and make his own $2 dollar version, print up an awesome poster, and run them at the drive in theaters. People who just saw Jaws would think "Oh, Jaws was great. This one's got the same vibe. I'll check it out" and man was the Original Piranha nothing like Jaws. But it didn't matter. Corman got people into the theater and by the time they warned their friends and family not to waste their time, the run was already over.

There is something interesting to note, however about the original Piranha's. By an odd coincidence, both movies were handled by master craftsmen. This was by no means the intention of Roger Corman. He just happened to be the first stop in a lot of young filmmakers careers and wound up with talents by the likes of Joe Dante (Piranha) and James Cameron (Piranha 2: The Spawning).

There's not much else to say about the originals. They were Jaws ripoff/ parodies. Forgettable, but cheesy fun. So what is there to say about the new one? Some big titted spring break fuckfaces get drunk in water and piranhas eat them. The plot? A twenty-something kid gets trapped on a boat with his younger siblings and a girl he likes. Their mom shows up to get them on a working boat, the girl he likes is stuck in a hard to reach part, but they all end up getting off the boat. Meanwhile the titty-beer people get eaten. I am not trying to be sarcastic by boiling it down to the shortest, most basic description - There really is nothing else to say about the movie. I thought when they got off that boat, the movie was going to kick into gear and actually start, but as soon as they got off the boat, the credits rolled and that was that.

What is most frustrating about the movie was that, unlike the originals, you can tell that some money was dumped into this production, but by no means was it spent wisely. Don't get me wrong, there is a high body count. The film is a bloodbath. But NOTHING HAPPENED. I usually hate when a movie like this plays by the numbers and rolls out some hashed up story that you've seen a thousand times, but I could have used something - anything - to make the sequence of events move along. They could have had some lame plan to kill the fish and save the lake, but no. The fish DO die, and you never saw it coming. Turns out as the kid escaped from the boat when he blew up those propane tanks, that was him killing the fish. When this is revealed you're like "Fucking seriously?" The least they could have done was have him say "I'm gonna blow up these tanks because it will kill all the fish" I still would have thought it was lame, but at least I would have known what the movie's intentions were. It's like you have a birthday party, then suddenly without warning, everybody just up and leaves. You go "Wait, no cake and ice cream?" and they say "Us showing up was the cake and ice cream".

Overall, a disappointing movie. Can't recommend it.

For those of you reading-

2008-10-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have written up the 2nd F13 review. It will be up soon. Things get in the way, sometimes.

The news here is, they posted the teaser trailer to the new Friday remake/reamignaing/ re-re whatever you want to call it. I almost hate to admit this - because I'm not a fan of the director - but from what the trailer offers, the movie looks promising. There are a few faithful references. Mrs Voorhees head on an altar, and the score. The score seems to pay great homage to the originals.

Check it out for yourself.

Friday the 13th: Exclusive First Look

Color me cautiously optimistic.

Friday the 13th Part 2

2008-09-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome the the 2nd installment in the Friday the 13th franchise. In this movie, we are formally introduced to America's favorite teen stabber, Jason Voorhees. Though Jason is definitely up to his games that we know and love, it has to be noted that he is not in full form. Instead of the iconic hockey mask, Jason stalks his prey sporting a cloth sack tied around his face with only one eyehole. It's never established that Jason suffers from vision problems in his other eye, so the lack of 2 eyeholes in his mask was probably due to budgetary constraints.

Friday the 13th Part 2 was released exactly one year after its predecessor in May of 1981. You may be wondering why it wasn't released sometime in or around October, but the Friday the 13th franchise happened to be a summer series. This makes sense given that these were drive-in movies geared toward teens and twenty-somethings. What better time to release a horror film than during the summer when it's nice outside and all of those listless layabouts had nothing better to do than go to the drive in and feel up their girlfriend in the backseat while getting drunk off of the booze they stole out of my refrigerator because they don't have any of their own money since they won't get a goddamn job even though I circle a new one every day in the classified page. I'm sick of this bullshit. I wish somebody would teach my kid a lesson.

"Well sir, I have a solution for you"

"What would that be, voice?"

"Send your son to that new camp counselor training program by Crystal Lake"

"So he can get wasted with his buddies and swim around all day? That won't teach him anything"

"Trust me, sir. We have somebody here who will teach your son right where it counts"

"In the face?"

"Bam. Right in the face"

"Sign him up"

Friday 2 opens on a wet suburban street in the middle of the night. We watch Alice, the survivor of the last Friday tossing and turning in bed as she suffers from a nightmare which, conveniently for the viewer, gives us a summary of what happened in the first movie.

When Alice awakens from her nightmare, she sits up to show us how much weight she gained. Adrienne King should be applauded for her devotion to the Alice role. Not many actors dedicate themselves so strongly that they will gain an easy 20-30 pounds for a part in a movie that only lasts 5 minutes.

I guess I took away that surprise. Yeah, Alice get's killed. But let's backtrack. First she hears the phone ring. She picks it up. Nobody is on the other line. Could it be...? She hears a rustling outside. Quickly, Alice grabs a screwdriver to defend herself. The noise grows louder. It's coming from an open window. Alice walks toward the window. SOMETHING JUMPS INTO HER HOUSE! "Ahhh" says the audience collectively. Oh, wait. Never mind, folks. It's just the cat. We all laugh at the misunderstanding.

Alice opens the fridge to devour a cake in celebration of her not getting killed. But resting on the top shelf is a severed head. She steps back, bumping into a tall figure. We only see his hands. The figure jams Alice's screwdriver into her temple. Cue the credits.

KILL METER: 1. ( I debated whether to count the severed head Alice finds in the fridge, but ultimately decided no because we don't witness the physical decapitation, and we have no idea who the head belongs to. For all we know, it can be a prank head, or something Jason found on the side of the road in his travels)

Now, most of us might dismiss Jason as a strong retard with a knife. In fact, that's how the movie portrays him. But you can't help but admire how crafty he is here. Jason may not know how to swim, or speak, even, but he sure knows his way around a good private investigation. This guy was somehow able to track Alice down to her exact street address. He left the security of Camp Crystal Lake to venture into the suburbs to seek revenge upon the woman who offed his mother. Not only does he find her house, but he has her phone number, which he calls from a location that is within slicing distance of her kitchen. Keep in mind, this was a time before cell phones. Amidst all this, he swiftly tucks a severed head into Alice's fridge without making a peep.

Masterful.

As the credits roll, the Friday logo shoots toward us like before, but this time instead of shattering through a plate of glass, the logo EXPLODES into millions of pieces. This is followed by another brilliant Manfredini score. Oftentimes, movies like this will recycle clips from the original score. The Friday movies are too classy for that. Harry Manfredini whipped up a new number that rivals the original. This one is much more intense. Not in that EXTREME kind of way things tend to be today, but rather a faster paced, more piercing score that borrows some of the original themes, while introducing new ones that blend seamlessly.

We're back at crystal lake. A pair of wild teens called Sandra and Jeff pull into town in a pickup truck. From a distance, local nutbar and personal hero of mine, Ralph takes notice of the two kids. They hop out of the truck toward a payphone to call their buddy Ted. Not ten seconds into their phone call does Ralph pop up behind them. "I told the others," he says. "They didn't believe me. You're doomed. You're all doomed". Not knowing that they were in a sequel to a horror film, Jeff and Sandra dismissed the rantings of Ralph.

Meanwhile, Jeff's truck is being towed in the background. When they notice, both Jeff and Sandra run toward the tow truck screaming a bunch of teenager words until the truck stops beside a giggling goofy goober by the name of Ted.

Ted is the jokester of this installment. Turns out he called a friend of his to play the ol' truck towin' gag. After Ted explains this rib tickler to Sandra and Jeff, they all laugh and rub their privates.

These teens are headed to a local camp for a counselor training seminar. Also in attendance are Scott the creepy wiseass, Vicky the sensitive girl, Terry the tight shirt wearing girl who brought along her pomeranian, Muffin, and Mark the guy in the wheelchair who doesn't need your help- he can do it on his own. Alongside the counselors in training are Paul who runs the program, and Ginny, one of his assistants who he is mouthkissing on the side.

As Ginny arrives at the camp, she is having trouble with her car. She has turned it off and it won't start back up. In most movies, you would expect something like this to come into play later on, but it's such a cheap move that I'll give the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt and assume that Ginny's car trouble is a metaphor for her struggle in life.

As all of the counselors are gathered upon arrival, Paul gives a lecture about the skills they are going to learn and certain safety precautions that must be taken. Among these precautions he mentions the threat of bears and to "keep clean during your menstrual cycle". As Paul says this, Vicky nudges Terry. Either because Terry is notorious for not cleaning up after herself during "that time of the month" or that she has massive periods and should be extra cautious while in an environment surrounded by bears.

Later that night, the counselors sit by a fire as Paul tells the story of Jason. He explains that Jason's body was never found after the apparent drowning and that he could still be alive in the woods to this day, only he would be fully grown and more dangerous. As he tells this story, from out of the shadows leaps a giant shirtless character with a rubber mask and a spear. A mask was rubber enough to make all of the counselors scream for their lives. Fortunately, the culprit removes the mask revealing himself to be Ted. Awww Ted. You're such a whacky laughington.

"But seriously" Paul says with a straight face "Camp blood is off limits"

After the campfire the group heads into a cabin to cap off the night. Jeff and Mark are armwrestling. Ted is playing 'electronic pocket chess'. Pockets must have been the size of purses in the 80's.

Ginny and Paul split toward a cabin of their own where they poke each other in the teeth with their tongues. Outside of their cabin a man watches from behind a tree. Oh look, it's Crazy Ralph. He's probably waiting for them to finish making out before he warns Paul and Ginny about how they're doomed. How endearing. But wait, what's this? Jason sneaks up behind Ralph with a wire and strangles him.

Thanks, Jason. Thanks for killing the one good character besides yourself in the Friday the 13th universe. You could have just as well asked him to join your effort in ridding teens from the lakes of the world. You did NOT have to kill Crazy Ralph. Not cool.

R.I.P. Crazy Ralph.

KILL METER: 2

The following day, our beloved counselors go for a run through the forest. All that is, except for Wheelchair Mark who sits and watches from the sidelines. It's okay, though. Mark's not bitter at all about not being able to run. You can tell by the look on his face when everybody paces past him.

Somebody else is watching this race. We see the POV of Jason. Camp puppy, Muffin runs toward Jason and cocks his head. The movie cuts away. I think it's safe to assume muffin is done for.

It's lunchtime at the camp. Everyone splits for PB&J or whatever else it is teenagers do at noon. Ginny chops some firewood up with a chainsaw which we meticulously watch as she finishes and places the tool back in the work shed. Thanks, movie. Now if I ever want to work there, I'll know where everything goes.

Off in the woods, Jeff and his lady friend Sandra decide to sneak away to the prohibited "Camp Blood". Well, Sandra moreso than Jeff. Jeff just kind of wants to hang out and eat PB&J's while armwrestling with guys in wheelchairs. Sandra is pretty forceful about this whole Camp Blood situation. The look in her eyes makes you think if Jeff says no, she'll outright break up with him. Jeff obediently follows his orders out of fear of losing Sandra who is his primary source of vaginal recreation.

Gee, it's been a while since the Kill Meter has clicked. Now that a couple of teens have strayed from the pack, this would seem like the perfect opportunity. Please. Nope. A policer officer spots the kids and tells them to "Get the hell outta here. You know this place is off limits" Jason is foiled again.

I'd like to take a moment to ask- what the fuck was that cop doing there? Is there really so little do in that town that the police post themselves in non-descript sections of the forest just in case somebody wanders out of bounds. And if so, how exciting must it be if it actually happens. Those kids made that cop's day.

"How was your day at work, Honey?"

"Amazing."

"You had a good day. Wow. That's a nice change"

"Sure is. Today, I actually got to do my job"

"Well isn't that something"

"Yep. Somebody actually wandered into that one section of the forest."

"Well I'll be. Anything else happen?"

"Yeah. The local convenience store was robbed and a whole family got raped in plain daylight right in the town square"

"Well that's too bad. But at least you were there to keep those kids from walking in one part of the forest to the other."

"That's what it's all about"

As that police officer was driving down the road with the grin of his life on his face, he saw a figure run off the road into the woods. 'How much more exciting can one day get?' he thought as he slammed on his breaks and chased the figure into the woods.

The cop ran and ran and ran and ran some more until he didn't find anybody, but DID find a shack cobbled together with found items. He walked inside to find something so terrifying, the camera wouldn't turn to show us what it was. From behind the officer, Jason stepped inside and whacked him in the back of the head with the sharp end of a hammer.

Officer, you were right. Your day was so exciting, there had to be a catch.

KILL METER: 3

It's now night time at Crystal Lake. Translation: Party time. Paul offers to take the kids on a night on the town. Ginny and Ted take him up on the offer. The rest of the teens decide to stay behind. This includes Mark who says and I quote "Nothing spoils a party faster than a drunk in a wheelchair". Well Mark, that's not true. Actually, nothing spoils a party faster than guys who constantly try to bum people out by saying things like that.

Terry decides to take a stroll by the lake to look for her missing dog. After about 45 seconds of searching on foot, she decides to think outside the box by taking her clothes off and looking for muffin in the water. Creepy Scott admires this searching technique from afar.

Meanwhile, Vicky goes on a pity date with Mark while upstairs Sandra and Jeff are totally boning each other.

Back at the lake, Terry comes ashore to put her clothes back on. Creepy Scott, not being a fan of clad women, steals Terry's clothes and runs into the woods. Terry chases him until Scott's foot gets caught in a rope trap, yanking him into the air. Scott apologizes for taking her clothes, and Terry goes back to the camp to find a knife to free him.

Vicky and Mark are really hitting it off at this point. After a series of winks and nudges, Mark insinuates that his penis still works to which Vicky replies "Wanna stay together tonight?" Mark surprisingly agrees without finding a way to bum everybody out. He's really starting to show progress.

Dangling from the tree, Scott offer's Jason an effortless kill. We all deserve a break every now and then. I'm sure Jason appreciated this as he grabbed Scott by the neck and sliced his throat.

KILL METER: 4

Terry walks back to Scott's dangling corpse to free him from the tree only to find him dead. "Jiminy cripes!" she shouts (I wish) and runs toward the camera. As she looks up she sees Jason and - that's it. We'd all like to know the method of her demise, but unfortunately that isn't granted. Frustrating, I know. But since it's left up to our imagination, I would like to give you my take on Terry's death:

Terry, knife in hand, paces back to the spot where Scott was trapped. She notices his body dangling from the tree. He's not saying much. Perhaps he passed out from all the blood that rushed to his head. Terry spins him around to see his face. What she finds terrifies her beyond words. Scott's throat has been slit. The blood is drooling down his gashed neck in lines across his face and through his hair.

Knowing that this is a fresh homicide, Terry quickly deducts that the killer must be nearby. Her first instinct is to run for safety. As she turns, headed back toward the camp, her path is interrupted by a tall dark figure looming silently over her. Terry can't make out who it is as the figure's face is obscured by thick shadows.

"Jiminy Cripes!" she shouts as she tries to dart between the killer and a patch of brush. Her attempt is halted by the killer's powerful arm. He knocks her to the ground, then bends over and begins to drag her by the hair.

"Think twice, bozo-tits!" exclaims a voice overhead. The killer looks up. He confusedly squints, then realizes who it is. Standing in the trees is Jiminy Cripes, masked vigilante. Jiminy swoops down from a rope and removes his glove, which he uses to slap the killer in the face. The killer is unaffected by this and grabs Jiminy by the throat to lift him in the air. With one hand he pounds Jiminy against a tree trunk until his head is caved in like a pumpkin.

Amidst this distraction, Terry quietly tries to squirm away. The killer spots her and pounds his boot on her leg before she can get any further. He then lifts her by the arms like a ragdoll and with one quick force, tears both of her arms off which he then uses to continually bash the rest of her body until she squeaks out a tiny death rattle. Just for good measure, the killer continues to brutalize Terry with her own arms for an extra thirty seconds.

Anyway, that's my fantasized version of what the movie failed to show us.

KILL METER: 5

Now we're at the local cowboy hats and fog machine bar. Ginny, Paul and Ted are all seated on stools with a parade of empty bottles in front of them. Ginny, who has been studying child psychology, uses her profound knowledge to explain the movie's plot.

"Jason," she says, "Must be lonely. The only person who loved him was his mother. He must have witnessed her death. After she died, he would most likely pay tribute to her by continuing her killing spree"

Thank you, Ginny, for the movie's plot. You're probably the main character.

After laughing in Ginny's face, Paul decides to head back to the camp. Ginny agrees to tag along. Ted opts to stay at the bar and continue hurling zany one-liners at the large breasted bartender.

Vicky is preparing for her first sexual encounter with a wheelchair bound armwrestling enthusiast. She picks the perfect pair of panties, slides them on, and grabs a bottle of perfume to spray her cooch.

In the other cabin, Mark hears a rustling outside. Don't worry, Mark. It's probably just Jason. He wheels out onto the porch to investigate. To one side, nothing. Mark spins - oh there we are. See, I told you, Mark. It was just Jason. Mark's screams are interrupted by a machete which is lodged into his face. The force from the blow sends him backwards rolling him down the stairs and then crashing on the ground. No scented cooch for you tonight.

KILL METER: 6

Jason grabs the spear Ted used the night before at the fire. He travels upstairs where Jeff is on top of Sandra. They're both wiggling around and making strange noises. Jason thinks they are injured, so he puts Jeff and Sandra out of their misery by skewering them both onto the bed with his new spear. DOUBLE KILL.

KILL METER: 8

Vicky walks into the main cabin looking for Mark. She kind find him anywhere on the first floor. Confused, she decides to walk upstairs. Upstairs? Vicky, I don't think you're gonna find Mark UPSTAIRS. She opens a door to find the Sandra and Jeff corpses sprawled out on the floor. Jason is laying on the bed. I guess taking a post kill nap. He jumps out of bed, and for the first time we see his full form. Before this point they would show a hand or a foot. Mostly his POV. But now we can finally see Jason. This marks his first appearance on film. Of course, as mentioned before, he does not have a hockey mask. Instead his head is bound in a cloth bag with one eyehole opening. It may not be the hockey mask, but it's still pretty cool. Definitely disturbing.

Jason moves toward Vicky and slaps her in middle of the face with the sharp end of a butchers knife.

KILL METER: 9

Outside, Paul and Ginny arrive in her VW Bug. They notice all of the lights are on in the main cabin. Paul's inner cheap bastard doesn't take kindly to this. They walk into the cabin to bitch people out, but they can't find a soul. Upsatirs, Paul walks into the murder room, but there isn't a body in sight. He does, however, find a bed covered in bloody sheets. I'm sure he was thinking "Great. Now we're gonna have bears everywhere".

Paul and Ginny go back downstairs where Jason lunges out of a dark corner toward Paul. They get into a tussle on the floor, but only Jason stands back up. Ginny, without enough time to shout "I told you so", runs for her life.

Ginny grabs a knife from the kitchen and locks herself in the bathroom. She opens the closet to hide inside, but is startled by the dead body of Crazy Ralph which falls out and flops onto the ground. If this were any of the counselors, I wouldn't have given a fuck. I may have even giggled a bit. But seeing the dead body of Crazy Ralph hit a nerve. The man spent so much time telling other people they were doomed that he forgot to warn himself. The poor bastard didn't deserve what he got. And on top of that, he didn't even receive a proper burial.

A pitchfork smashes through the bathroom door. Ginny squeezes out of the small window in the bathroom. She runs inside her car aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd - it doesn't start. Well color me fucked. I didn't see that one coming. And if you did, well you can go fuck yourself, professor.

Jason's pitchfork blasts through the roof of Ginny's car. Jason then makes a move for the car door. Before his hand can get to it, Ginny kicks the door open herself knocking Jason to the ground.

Ginny makes a run for the closest cabin and hides under a bed. Jason walks in and looks around. Ginny tries to stay quiet while a small rat moves toward her face. From outside of bed, you can make out a piss puddle. Here's an important lesson while hiding from a killer under a bed. Don't piss all over the place because piss puddles are a surefire way of getting yourself caught.

Jason pretends to leave, but he's really standing on a chair. Ginny rolls out from under the bed. Jason moves his hands upward for pitchfork leverage, but Ginny kicks the chair out from under him sending Jason flat on his ass. It is in the same cabin that, if you're keeping up with foreshadowing, Ginny put away a chainsaw. She pulls it out of the closet and turns it on. Jason stands back up, but falls again once she comes at him with the saw. The chainsaw malfunctions and shuts down, which I found hard to believe because the movie didn't expressly point out earlier in the movie, that this chainsaw wasn't in perfect working order.

Ginny books it for the woods. As she is running away, she spots a homely old shack. She decides to take a detour from running for her life to check out this quaint little building. Inside she notices a pile of dead bodies that happen to belong to her friends and an altar to Mrs. Voorhees containing her head with a sweater placed in front of it surrounded by an assload of candles.

In walks Jason. But Ginny has a plan. If you know anything about child psychology, then you know if somebody tries to kill you in honor of his mother, to put on his dead mother's sweater and pretend to be her. It's pretty basic stuff. So Ginny grabs a machete (in a Friday movie, there's always a spare machete laying around) and proceeds to scold Jason. She tells him to kneel down and just as Ginny is about to whack Jason in the neck, Jason sees his real mother's head rotting by the altar. Jason stands back up, but before he is able to to anything, Paul arrives on the scene and tackles Jason to the floor.

Ginny takes advantage of this to swipe Jason in the shoulder with the machete. It sticks in there pretty good. Jason falls face first to the ground. Paul and Ginny brush themselves off and leave Jason along with all of their friends corpses for somebody else to clean up.

In the main cabin, Paul and Ginny rejoice and cuddle. But wait. There is a scraping noise at the door. They both grab a weapon and creep slowly toward the sound. The scraping grows louder until the door creeks open. Down below, Muffin the dog that we all thought died comes prancing in. Yaaaay, Muffin. Then JASON BURSTS IN THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW! Yaaaay, Jason.

This time he's got no sack over his face. He could easily be mistaken for Sloth from the Goonies. The machete is still lodged in his shoulder. He grabs a hold of Ginny and then -

It cuts to the next morning.

What the fuck? Why do these movies keep doing this? Whenever there's a really cool part, the movie decides to skip over it and jump to something you don't care about.

Now we're outside of the cabin. It's morning. The sun is shining through the trees. An ambulance is parked on the road. Ginny's on a stretcher. She looks up to one of the EMT's and asks "Where's Paul? Where's Paul?" The camera zooms in on her head and

- ROLL CREDITS

KILL METER: 9?

For the sake of fuck almighty, what was going on in the filmmakers' heads? Did they really think that was scary? Or are they the real monster for making a movie that is ambiguous and frustrating. As a viewer, the most exciting part is being able to see Jason without his mask on because it was being built up for the entire fucking movie. Then when it finally comes to fruition- what could have been the best scene in the entire movie - they just cut away and kind of hint at what happened which was- Jason smashes through the window, Paul is killed and then what? Jason just looks at Ginny, who desecrated his mother's altar, and calls it a day? What the fuck, people.

Just as in the first movie, I have to give this one credit for giving us Jason and establishing his slashing formula and creative killing techniques. Overall, the "plot" of each of the Friday films is nothing to admire. What's to be appreciated are the small moments like the gore and makeup effects. Yet, this movie tended to sidetrack and avoid those moments we enjoy most. Although there were some fun parts, this movie is overall sloppy. I don't think the filmmakers understood what they had. I think they felt as though they had a clever story to tell, so they tried to stick with that while giving us a mysterious ending. It just didn't work.

Fortunately, Steve Miner, the director of these first two Fridays is gone for the next six installments. Friday the 13th Part 3 and up are when the series really comes into frution. The filmmakers stick to the formula that works and clutch onto it for dear life.

Stay Tuned for "Friday the 13th Part 3-D"

Friday the 13th Part 1

2008-09-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

And so it begins. The first installment in the Friday the 13th franchise, which I will from now on refer to as 'Friday'. Before I start, it's important to note that Jason himself is not directly involved with this movie. If you're looking to watch a movie with a big creepy machete wielding killer in a hockey mask, this is not for you. Most people who watch Friday the 13th part one don't understand the 3-movie-long evolution it took to create the icon that is Jason. They think they're opening a box of donuts only to find a pile of condoms. There are no donuts here, but in keeping with my analogy - if a pile of condoms is what you're up for, then you will be pleasantly entertained.

The movie opens at Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. A group of clean cut councilors sit by a fire place to share a late night koombayah session. This is played off in a really campy, sarcastic tone. I found it interesting that filmmakers from the 80's would have the gall to mock somebody for their fashion and music choices. It's like watching a retarded kid make fun of a retarded kid for being retarded.

Two of the koombayah councilors - one boy, one girl - sneak off to a different cabin because they could no longer restrain their religious campfire music induced horniness. As they attempt to discover what each others genitals feel like, they are interrupted by the POV of a very upset individual. The two councilors proceed to apologize. The onlooker answers with a knife to their stomachs.

KILL METER: 2

Cue the music as The Friday logo smashes through the screen. Literally. As the logo zoomed in, it pushed through a plate of glass which shattered to the ground. This must have been really cool to watch from your car window at a drive in theater, which I'm assuming was the core audience when this movie was made.

Harry Manfredini's full orchestra scores for the Friday movies are often overlooked and under-appreciated. These movies are fun to watch, but generally lacking in skill when it comes to most departments i.e. acting, writing, direction. However, if there's one genuinely artistic consistency that can be attributed to the Friday series, it is most definitely in the music. I don't care how pretentious that sounds, it's true. I think the filmmakers felt that way as well because most Friday movies open with at least a 4 minute credit sequence allowing you to indulge in the great score.

We jump to present day, which no longer applies, as present day then was 28 years ago today. A backpacker named Annie walks into a small town diner and asks how to find Camp Crystal Lake. From the utter silence this question brought to the room, she may as well have said "Large Marge sent me". Eventually one kind truck driver with the hope that Annie returns favors with her mouth, offered a ride.

As they are about to hop into the truck, my favorite character from any of the Fridays (yes, he even trumps Jason) interrupts. Ralph, the town crazy, shouts "Don't go there! It's got a death curse!" What makes Ralph so awesome, other than his encyclopedic knowledge of what is and isn't cursed, is the fact that he's well into his 60's and all he does all day is ride his bike around town in a Pinocchio hat shouting at people. And nobody does anything about it. When it comes to retirement, Ralph is in an ideal position.

Annie is headed to Camp Crystal Lake because a shirtless man named Steve employed her along with a small group of teenagers to renovate the camp and re-open it after a 22-year hiatus much to the dismay of concerned citizens such as Ralph and the local ornery waffle waitress.

Aside from Annie this group of young, hard workin' teens consists of Kevin Bacon as himself, Marcy the tom boy, Bill the everyman, Brenda the wild girl (slut), Ned the zany jokester, and Alice the loner (who we later come to learn, through allotted screen time, is the main character).

Annie unfortunately never makes it to the camp. The truck driver, listed on imdb as "Enos the truck driver", stops his truck at the beginning of the road that leads to Camp Crystal Lake. Though it wasn't on the DVD, I imagine a deleted scene where Enos pulls over not because Annie wouldn't give him head, but because Annie did a horrible job at it. Maybe there was something about her past that lead to her bad BJ skills, or maybe she was too tired from the long trek. We'll never know because this movie had awful character development.

We find Annie hitching along the final road to her destination. She is picked up by a stranger in a jeep. We never get to see this strangers face because the entire scene is shot from their POV. UH-OH. Annie goes on about how she wants to work with children someday while the jeep speeds past her destination. "What a minute, isn't that the camp!?" She shouts. The driver says nothing, and speeds up. Annie jumps out of the moving vehicle and is chased through the woods. The killer eventually catches up and slits her throat.

KILL METER: 3

It can be argued that the person who killed Annie may have not been the same person responsible for all the other deaths in the movie because it would have made perfect sense for anybody to have wanted Annie dead after listening to her drone on about children for more than 30 seconds. We may never know who actually killed her.

Back at the camp, the teens are taking a dip in the lake. You may wonder why the fuck they're not doing any work, but you're gonna have to get over it, old man. These teens play by their own rules. At one point, Ned screams for help and drifts underwater. As the viewer this is a hilarious moment because as we all know, Ned is a zany jokester. When they pull Ned out of the water after shouting "Watch his neck!" about 10 times, one of the girls attempts mouth to mouth at which point Ned Goes in for the kill. LITERALLY. He snaps the girls neck. Ned, you're so zonkers. No, Ned doesn't kill anybody. But he does take advantage of the moment to make out with his rescuer. Once everybody realizes Ned is fine, they all have a hearty American laugh.

Later, while the teens are back at work, Brenda finds a snake in one of the cabins. She shouts for help and immediately every single character runs into her cabin. Bill grabs a machete and chops the snake in two.

KILL METER: 4

What's cool about the snake death is that they used a real fucking snake. Even though the legendary Tom Savini, who was responsible for all of the film's effects, could very well have made a realistic-looking snake, they opted to kill a real one onscreen. And that is THE BALLS.

After the brutally concluded snake debacle, Alice moves to the kitchen where she opens the pantry door to find, of all people, RALPH! Now you gotta hand it to this guy. He could have been waiting in there for days before somebody found him, yet he had the courage of his convictions to sit and wait. And man did it pay off. Alice screamed at the top of her lungs. Ralph proceeded to go off on one of his classic rants. "You're doomed!" he proclaimed pointing at Alice as he backed out of the kitchen into the woods, "You're all doomed". He then hopped onto his bike and continued "Doomed, I say. Dooooooomed. Dooooooooooomed" As he rides away into the distance, the camera awkwardly lingers on Ralph until he is completely out of the shot. Making it the best shot in the entire movie. This is the end of Ralph for this Friday, but don't worry. He shows up in later installments of the franchise.

Night is starting to fall on Camp Crystal Lake, or "Camp Blood" as Ralph calls it. Also, just for atmosphere, the weather gods decided to send a storm their way. Whacky Ned spots a mysterious figure walking into one of the cabins. He follows in, asking "Can I help you" and curiously, we don't see what happens next. Christ's shit, I hope Ned doesn't get hurt. Without his antics, this place would be boresville.

Most of the other teens pile into the same cabin to y'know hang and whatever, except for Kevin Bacon and Marcy who sneak off to their own cabin for a game of 'find the vagina'. Kevin Bacon wins.

After their fuck-making session, Marcy rolls off of Kevin Bacon to go to the outhouse and repent. Kevin Bacon grins and lights a marijuana cigarette. The camera pans up from Kevin Bacon to the top bunk where Ned is laying in a pool of blood either dead, or playing a really fucked up prank that no one else can see.

KILL METER: 5

Back to Kevin Bacon. He takes another toke from his hash doobie and SPLIFF! A knife juts from under the bed through Kevin Bacon's throat. This is a great Tom Savini makeup effect, and among the fans, this is probably the most popular kill in the first Friday.

KILL METER: 6

Now we're rolling. It took a while, but the corpses are beginning to pile up. In the outhouse, Marcy is checking herself out in the mirror. I would too, if I had just had sex with Kevin Bacon. Watching her from a corner of the room, the killer decides to step out and give Marcy another reflective surface upon which to admire her own looks, RIGHT IN THE CHEST. THWACK! An axe swings into her body.

KILL METER: 7

If you've been counting, there are only 3 campers left. This, of course isn't including Steve, the shirtless employer, because he is inexplicably non-present throughout most of the movie. We later learn that he was out on the town eating pie.

Brenda, Alice and Bill have been in a cabin of their own playing Strip monopoly and smoking drugs. A perfectly teenagerly activity in the early 80's. Soon they will die.

As the monopoly game wraps up, Brenda decides to go to the outhouse to tidy up (gloss her muffin). On her way there, she finds herself standing directly in front of an archery target. I don't blame Brenda for this, and neither should you. She wasn't aware she was in a movie. If she knew, I'm sure she would have had a fighting chance to avoid an arrow to the tatty. Nonetheless, it was inevitable.

KILL METER: 8

Stuffed with local pie, shirtless Steve, sporting a raincoat to keep his permed chest hairs safe from the storm, moseys toward the camp entrance. He is stopped by the POV killer. He smiles, as though he recognizes the figure and says "What are you doing out here?" Bad move, Steve. You should have never asked such a selfish question. SHARP OBJECT TO THE BELLY!

KILL METER: 9

All that we have left are Alice and Bill. Finally hip to everybody's absence, these two teen detectives search for their fellow campers. Of course they split up. As Bill is inexplicably toying with the generator (because every good horror movie has a generator) the POV slasher sneaks up behind him. We don't see what happens, but we can assume they didn't have tea together.

Meanwhile, Alice has hit the jackpot. She's stumbled upon all of her friends bodies in their various states of impalement and decapitation. After screaming at the bodies, which I found to be rather rude, she runs toward the generator to find Bill. There she finds him posted like a note to the door with arrows.

KILL METER: 10

Now alone, Alice is especially annoying. Luckily a car pulls up, and an unsuspicious, kindly old woman steps out. She introduces herself as Mrs. Voorhees. Alice tries to explain what has happened. Curiously, Mrs. Voorhees is rather calm. Wait a minute- could she be?...nah. No way.

Mrs. Voorhees proceeds to explain to Alice that nobody should have tried to revive Camp Crystal lake. And how everybody has paid the consequences. In talking, she refers to the killer in first person. I assumed this was an error in speech. However, through deduction, Alice determined that Mrs. Voorhees was the killer.

What a twist.

Mrs. Voorhees then explains the movie to Alice. Turns out, back in the late 50's, her son Jason used to attend this camp. He was out swimming one day when the councilors on duty failed to pay attention due to a distracting mishap in which their genitals became intertwined. This of course led to Jason's unfortunate drowning. When we flash back to Jason's drowning, you can't help but notice, he's a bald misshapen mongoloid child. Was Camp Crystal Lake a camp for special kids? Or was Jason an exception? The movie fails to answer this question. The movie also fails to answer why Mrs. Voorhees chose to explain her point by point motive in rich detail to Alice, while silently killing all of the other teens.

Of course, a murderous chase ensues. Though reasonably successful at murdering 9 other people with little effort, Mrs. Voorhees seems to be having trouble with this Alice character. The chase leads to the kitchen where Alice catches Mrs. Voorhees off guard and thwomps her in the head with a frying pan rendering her unconscious. Instead of going for help, Alice decides to take a breather out by the canoes. It's reasonable. She's had a rough night. She deserves her rest.

OH FUCK HERE COMES MRS VOORHEES AGAIN! They tussle by the lakeside until Mrs Voorhees knocks Alice to the ground. Alice grabs the emergency machete placed near the shore, and charges toward Mrs. Voorhees. In glorious slow motion, we witness the decapitation of the murderous old woman responsible for the life of Kevin Bacon. The head whips around in the air in several beautiful rotations.

KILL METER: 11 (This is the final kill, contrary to the original trailer which claims 13 victims )

Alice, desperate for rest, takes a seat in a canoe, drifting into the lake without an oar. Finally, she can nap.

The next morning, Alice awakens in the middle of the lake. The sun is glistening off the water's ripples as the musical score has changed in tone to cheerful. Then, in the film's most inspired moment, a rotted version of mongoloid Jason leaps from the lake, pulling Alice under.

If the movie ended here, it would have gone down as one of the best endings in horror film history, right alongside Sleepaway Camp. But no. That's not how the movie finished. The Jason scene is followed by Alice waking up in the hospital after a nightmare. A police officer explains to her that all of her friends are dead, and she stares blankly, then says "What about little Jason? He's still alive" Roll credits.

What the fuck? Did we really have to leave on that note? What does that even mean? The movie would have been far cooler if mongoloid zombie fishfood Jason leaping out of the water was the capper. Or, a more realistic ending would have Alice leaving the camp in handcuffs after weakly explaining how a little old lady killed all of those people.

There you have it. That's the first Friday. To be honest, the movie is forgettable overall. The only reason people still talk about it and watch it to this day is because it was the spark that ignited a famous horror franchise, and because it was one of Kevin Bacon's first movie roles. If there was never a sequel to this movie, and Kevin Bacon died of a coke overdose before becoming famous, this movie would not have stood up this far. The only people who would talk about it would be elite horror buffs. "Oh you've never seen Friday the 13th? Come back to me when you actually know something about horror films. I'm a douche".

However, because this is the movie that birthed Jason, it has to be given all due respect. Kind of like Evel Knievel's mother. Nobody that I know would enjoy watching her do old lady shit, but she has to be treated with high honors for creating one of the coolest people to have lived.

Stay tuned for Friday the 13th part 2.

AWARDS

Best Surviving Character: Crazy Ralph. I would watch a movie just about him.

Best Fashion Statement: Suspenders with no T shirt - Bill

Best Line: "You're all doomed" - Crazy Ralph

Best Death: The Snake. Hand's down.

Best Victim: Mrs. Voorhees. Betsy Palmer's performance was impressive. This could have been because she was the only good actor in the whole movie.

A legacy of horror

2008-09-09T16:32:00.001-07:00

I'm a big fan of horror movie icons. Chucky, Freddy, Leatherface, Michael Myers, JASON. They're all heroes of mine and are a big part of my childhood. As a child, I was constantly seeking out every film these monsters starred in. They were my Frankenstein, Dracula or Wolfman.

As early as 8 years old, I was fluent in slasher cinema. Many people might question my upbringing. What kind of parents would let their children watch such violent movies? We had free HBO, and my parents weren't fags about it. I don't know what else to say. One day, some scruffy looking guy came into our house, clipped a few wires in the back of our cable box and my dad gave him five bucks. After that moment, I had access to all of the classics that formed my childhood.

Let's face it. There are certain R rated movies that were meant for children. This list includes, but is not limited to - Anything by Jackie Chan, Robocop, Terminator 2, Aliens, Predator, Rambo, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Total Recall, and most of the horror films made in the late 80's into the early 90's. Pretty much if the movie was accompanied by merchandising geared toward adolescents, then it was meant for kids regardless of the rating. Most of the movies I listed were spun off into action figures and, more importantly, video games.

My gateway to the Jason franchise was via the Friday the 13th NES game. One day a friend brought it over. We didn't know what the fuck we were supposed to do to beat it, but man were we scared shitless every time we walked into a cabin and Jason popped up at us. It was the first scary video game I had ever played, and I loved it. I loved cringing as I walked into each cabin, not sure what would be around the corner. It was like when somebody stretched out a rubber band and pointed it toward you. The longer they held it, the more you anticipated the snapping pain, the scarier it got. It was exciting. So you could imagine my reaction when my friend told me this was based on a movie. "WHAT!? You mean, like the Ninja Turtles Movie?"
"Yeah, like the ninja turtles"
Except I don't remember Splinter ever beating a teenager's head in with a rock.

Friday the 13th was the first horror series I watched. Having seen any of the Jason movies was like a status symbol in elementary school. You may have had dry snot caked under your nose and crayon stains all over your sweat pants, but if you saw a "Jason Movie" you were the man. Luckily for me, our stolen HBO signal streamed Friday the 13th marathons weekly.

Jason was my annual Halloween costume for at least 3 years. My budget conscious parents were big fans of the 3 dollar mask and plastic machete. I've since come to despise the cheap plastic hockey masks they sell for a dime a dozen at every wal-mart, but as a 10 year old, I couldn't have been more excited.

Having been my first monster crush, I have quite a soft spot for Jason. It is standard tradition for me to watch a Friday the 13th whenever said date falls on the calendar. On top of that, I watch the entire series every October.

As October is fast approaching, I thought it would be a good idea to use this blog to post a series of Friday the 13th reviews. Once every other day, I will watch the Friday the 13th movies in order and write a subsequent review.

Now, as you know, Jason has spun off into other series, so I have to place a set of guidelines for which movies will be reviewed.

-First and foremost, "Freddy Vs. Jason" is out of the game, as it is not a Freddy, or a Jason movie. It's a novelty, "what if" type of movie that barely ranks into the horror or slasher genre.

-No "Jason X". The abomination it is. The big mistake they made here was getting rid of the classic Jason costume. Putting a horror icon in space is the sitcom equivalent to jumping a shark. Jason X isn't really a "Friday the 13th movie" anyway. It was made when New Line bought the rights to the character but not the title. That type of cheap legal manipulation doesn't settle around here.

-"Jason Goes to Hell" is the first movie that used cheap legal tricks to make a Jason movie by avoiding the "Friday the 13th" label. The biggest sin committed in this one was the utter lack of Jason Vorhees. He shows up at the beginning for 5 mins and the end for 5 mins. The rest of the movie is a bunch of people being "possessed" by Jason through spitting some worm thing into each victim's throat. I can't begin to express how lame it is to make a Jason movie without Jason. There's only one offender worse than this in the horror genre. (See- Halloween 3)

Other than those 3, all "Friday the 13th" movies will be reviewed. That gives us eight golden movie nuggets to be revisited. This should be fun. I'm looking forward to all of the exposed, stoned and decapitated teenagers that are to come.

Hey, Star Wars. WHA happen?!

2008-08-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

The new Star Wars movie, by all means, BLOWS! I was excited for this one, as George Lucas did not write or direct it. I've had a long running theory that when George Lucas writes and directs a Star Wars, it sucks. Case in Point- the new trilogy. Proof that the new trilogy could have kicked ass - Watch "The Clone" wars vols 1 & 2 produced for the Cartoon Network a few years back. These stories took place in the Anakin Skywalker segment on the Star Wars timeline, and they were great. And guess what- Lucas had little to nothing to do with them.

Out of spite and frustration, I created this- "The Lucas Theory" My watertight theory on why George Lucas' creative resources have dried up over the last 30 years.

Enjoy

Not one fucking alien

2008-07-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

This one will be quick. I went to see the X-Files movie, and though it did have Mulder and Scully in it, that was about all the movie had to do with anything this side of X-Files. No Aliens. No conspiracies. No black trenchcoats, or flashing of FBI badges.

Here's the supernatural this movie had to offer. A priest who used to bugger little boys has some visions of where a few body parts are. He has like 2-3 visions. We don't see the visions. He just says he sees something and we believe him. ( "I want to believe" ) And that's it. The end. The rest of the movie is people looking for some kidnapped chicks.

This movie had the production quality of a lifetime made for TV movie. The kind you see on a rainy sunday afternoon and watch only because there was nothing else on and you want to find out who the killer is at the end, but once the movie's over, an itch on your back will make you forget everything you just saw. If this movie didn't have X-Files in the title, it would be a little less embarrassing, but still not that great of a story.

No creatures. No cigarette smoking man. Nothing.

They give us Mulder and Scully post FBI careers, and man do those fuckers look weird now. I may have been able to stomach David Duchovny's Kennedy-style oversized (and still growing) head with an ever-disappearing chin and floppity cheeks if it were crammed inside of an FBI suit with a gun and badge, but that wasn't the case here. Same goes for Scully with her long flat "I'm a 40-something progressive yuppie" hairdo.

The X-files TV show is so awesome. Practically every week we were blessed with a great supernatural scary story grounded in enough reality to make you check your own room twice when the lights were out. This movie offered not the slightest pubic hair of an inkling of what the X-files show was all about. Why did they want me to see this? These fuckers knew fans like me were going to mosey into the theater. Is this a joke? If so, I want in. I want to be the one laughing at the sad and confused mugs leaving the movie theater in droves. Well, at least I can say this for myself - I will be the one laughing when the x-files theaters are empty because everybody told their friends about how much of a tampon scab this movie really is.

NOT ONE FUCKING ALIEN

Revenge of 'Jaws' Revenge'

2008-07-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

Take off your swimming suit and put your pants back on. Get out of the water, Jack- Jaws is back. I fuck you not.

Of course there are the occasional, but rare, Shark sightings across the U.S. every year. Even more rare are sharks spotted in cooler waters than normal, but it's not out of the realm of possibility. However, what I'm going to speak with you, nay, WARN YOU about, will blow the sock off your dick.

Over the past week, there have been multiple sightings of GREAT WHITE sharks in, of all places, MARTHA'S VINEYARD. Those of you keen on JAWS trivia will know that Martha's Vineyard was the backdrop for the fictional "Amity Island" at which many innocent vacationers fell prey to the greatest creature ever to grace the ocean.

The movie JAWS depicted the struggle of a New England police chief as he fought to keep tourists and locals out of the water after a vicious shark attack, much to the dismay of the Mayor, who's seat in office thrived upon the popular tourist season on their small island.

According to Department of Conservation and Recreation spokeswoman Wendy Fox, "“We can’t tell people they can’t swim there,” she said. “But we can recommend against it.” Sound familiar?
Often the question has been asked whether art interpets life or life interpets art. Looks like that question has been answered because CLEARLY a few great whites have gotten their hands on a copy of JAWS.

Aside from the multiple JAWS sighting off the coast of Martha's Vineyard, the corpse of a great white washed ashore on sister island, Nantucket. The dead shark was verified to be a 7ft great white by some Richard Dreyfus-type marine biologist. The sharks spotted off of the Vineyard were estimated at around 15ft, rivaling the 20ft shark in JAWS. This Nantucket 7 footer was just a runt that failed to withstand the chilly New England Atlantic waters. Those 15 footers are still out there. Roaming. Taunted by the splashes and shouting of summer beach-goers.

You want my 2 cents on this whole shibaggle? Swallow these pennies- During the production of JAWS, the Martha's Vineyard locals constantly voiced their frustrations of the interruption of their, from what I can gather, BORING LIVES. To this day, the landmark of the greatest American film made does not, in any location acknowledge that the movie JAWS even exists. Not one gift shop, or sign post. JAWS was a warning sign from the beasts of the deep. They wanted us to leave them alone. My theory is that the ignorance of the people of Martha's Vineyard has pushed the sharks too far over the edge to the point at which they feel the need to express the veracity of their multi rows of teeth by force rather than diplomacy. They tried diplomacy through an educational film. And it worked for a while. JAWS was a hit. But the people are starting to forget. And so it seems, the people of the vineyard never acknowledged the threat in the first place.

If you ask me, I don't blame the sharks. I say steer the fuck clear of the ocean for a few years until things calm down. Be aware. Be afraid. And GET A BIGGER BOAT.